This will be a guest post – because my dear friend Tanya P. could not control her anger any longer at the pathetic bunch of dweebs she’s been encountering online. Please, if you have a shitty personality in real life – don’t take it into the virtual realm.

“I read Nika’s rants about the lack of common sense in young and especially single people and I have a rant of my own to contribute: ONLINE DATING.

True to my new nature of accepting change over the past year, I decided to be less stubborn and give online dating a shot because who knows maybe I’ll be one of those success stories. MAYBE being the keyword. Well just like frat boys at a dive bar celebrating “Thirsty Thursday” you men have managed to take stupidity to a whole different dimension: ONLINE INTERACTIONS. It shouldn’t be that hard to fake having one or two redeeming qualities considering the person at the other end doesn’t see the stupid smirk on your face. But apparently it is.

Let’s start with your approach or lack there of.  My favorite one that I personally encountered was “Hey ma your madd beautiful. You look madd intelligent.” What? Seriously dude did you just use the word “madd” and how did you manage to connect my physical attractiveness to my level of intelligence in one thought. The other issue is NEVER address a woman as “ma” “mammi” or the white boy version “sweety.” If it doesn’t work for the 4’9 stereotypical drunk Mexican on the street – you seem to have forgotten it’s sure as hell easier to ignore you online. There are certain one-liners every guy seems to use, the most horrible and seemingly popular approach is “Hey beautiful whats upp? ” Just because you gave me a compliment doesn’t mean I suddenly feel obligated to carry out any type of conversation with you.

Speaking of compliments there is no reason to give a girl more than one compliment on her looks. Most girls use online dating to find a boyfriend or husband, NOT to be reassured by men about their “above average” looks. Just because you ran out of things to say doesn’t mean it’s okay to fill the gap with a compliment. Try telling her something unique about yourself or ask her about her favorite part of the city. That is a much better conversation because there is a 95% chance she’s not vain enough to only want to discuss her physical attributes. Than again I don’t know what the other chicks on these sites are like.

Now that we covered approach and over complimenting let’s discuss the two most redeeming qualities the guys online have: creepy and desperate. Do you know how many of my friends yell at me for not smiling in photographs? Why because it’s easy to come off as creepy if you are staring straight at the camera without conveying some type of emotion. If I can manage to find four photos where I am smiling so should everyone else on the website. If your eyes look vacant in your photos you look creepy. Also what you write in your profile should be a reflection on who you are. If sex, women and big boobies are mentioned anywhere in your profile description than I don’t want anything to do with your sleezy ass.

Now lets talk about desperate some guys are. Umm buddy it says at the side of the messages what time you wrote the message so don’t write me three messages 20 minutes apart at 12 am when I am probably sleeping and not replying because I’m sleeping. Additionally don’t leave me your number if I never asked for it because unless your drop-dead gorgeous I will not text you ever at this rate. Also don’t visit my profile every single day after I ignored your last five messages. Yes I am online, NO I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Oh and why in the world is every single of your photos with a different “hot” chick. Seriously you say your looking for a girlfriend but all your photos are of you and the attractive chicks you’ve known since high school but were never able to get with. It looks like a visual list of references of all the girls who can vouch for why you should be “friends zoned.”

Anyways this rant doesn’t even begin to surface the inbox full of bullshit I’ve experienced online. I assumed people doing online dating are just people who have no luck with the opposite sex. I was wrong for every one good guy there is a pool of dense males. This  the same collection you find at a bar or club. There are plenty of fish in the sea but the sea has been polluted.”

I would also like to add to this – since I needed new blog material and have recently joined okcupid.com (Please judge me because I’m already judging myself – and everyone else on the site) – If you don’t have a normal screen name and you’re like 28.. please shot yourself in the mouth Kurt Cobain style. Your screen name should NOT be anything along the lines of xxCUTEJOCKxx or even better VagLover29. That’s a definite no-no and you’ll be sitting home with your right hand for a very VERY long time.