Settling is for Wussies

December 1, 2015 1 Comment

I used to think that there is always something in life that we have to settle for. How many people do you know that stay at a job they hate? Stay in a relationship with someone who is “fine”? Stay in crappy apartments because it’s a process to look for something new?

We all know someone, maybe even ourselves, who is settling for something in their lives. I will be very open and tell you that I used to be that person in almost every aspect.

I went to graduate school primarily to appease my family who thinks a regular college degree is not enough. I had a really stable, safe, boring job where I wanted to blow my brains out every morning going to it, but I also knew I’d never be fired and it was really easy. I had some pretty mediocre friends, the ones who would be awesome at parties but don’t actually care about your wellbeing.. a whole large circle of them. And lastly, I had a relationship with that guy that was really good on paper, except he excited me about as much as watching baseball does (read: not at all.. what a stupid boring sport…but hey.. hot dogs!). And mostly, I was settling on me, I had accepted that I would never achieve exceptional things, that I would never have the dream life for myself, and that I was done growing.

Boy, how silly that was!

I started with making small changes – a diet change, a life style change, exploring and doing new things, meeting new people through a new business pursuit, dropping one “friend” at a time (or sometimes three in a day.. because why not?), ending the relationship, moving out on my own, meeting someone new, falling in love with someone incredible, and then changing my job. The entire journey (which is still not even close to being over) has taught me that I absolutely love growing and changing. I’ve fallen in love with the unknown and fallen in love with being unsettled.

Of course, I’m still finishing graduate school, and honestly, a part of me wishes I hadn’t spent the time doing it. But I also realized that no one ever regrets getting an MBA degree.. so whatever! I’m now extra over-qualified!

But the point of this post wasn’t to tell you to get a graduate degree to make your parents happy. It was to tell you that you can create whatever kind of life you want. No, it won’t happen over night. It took me well over a year to about 40% of the way to what I envision.. and that’s where I am now. But that’s okay, I’ve fallen in love with the process. I try new things and explore new options all the time. I don’t shy away from new experiences the way I used to, instead, I welcome them and see if the new experience can fit into the life I want and the person I want to be. Today, I choose to be happy and cheerful. I’ll probably choose the same tomorrow. But it’s a choice for me. Just like it’s a choice for you. So if you have something in your life that’s maybe just “okay” – whatever that may be – go about changing it! Start now.. like right now.. GO!

 

We’re all a work in progress… be the best damn work in progress you can be!

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Ignore Your Friends… and those Crazy Voices in Your Head

October 27, 2015 Leave a Comment

Okay, I’m officially drawing a line.

There is a very big line between what actually exists in reality, the voices in our heads & the red flags we seem to attribute to various occurrences in our relationships.

I can’t tell you how many times my friends have come to me asking if something is a red flag. My answer is always “it depends”. I’m not really sure how I can answer that for someone because I’m not involved in the day-to-day happenings, emotions and exchanges that occur between the couple. Primarily, I have no idea what kind of foundation someone has built in their relationship and perhaps a significant other speaking with an ex would be  major problem for some – where the foundation is less than solid and built up on some ply wood, while others have built a strong foundation and even lacquered the floors!

It’s amazing how many problems can be caused by well-intentioned friends offering well-intentioned advice. But the truth is that they can’t possibly know what they’re offering advice on. They aren’t you. You can’t take someone else’s problems, issues, and experiences and apply them universally across all situations. Life doesn’t work that way and most of the time the best way to work out issues or doubts that come up in a relationship is to just discuss them with your significant other.

No one else can know your relationship, how strong it is, how many insecurities you’ve formed because of it, and possibly how crazy it makes you every single day that you’re in it. Maybe it doesn’t make you crazy at all. Maybe your significant other has done absolutely nothing to make you not trust them but you’re projecting insecurities from the past onto your current relationship. If this is you. Stop. Like right now. And go apologize to your significant other for projecting your personal problems onto them.

We all have junk in our past to look back on… some more than others but generally speaking, if we wanted to bring in past problems into new relationships, we could all do a good job of scaring people away quite quickly. But that’s not what new relationships are for. It’s not about your past. It’s about trying to build a new future.. possibly together. Why would you want to take away from that by involving your past? Might as well invite your ex to next sleepover party you have. Sound crazy, doesn’t it? Well that’s what you’re doing if you’re bringing issues from the past into your new relationship.

The only thing you should be concerned about is finding new ways to amaze, excite and love your significant other every change you get.

P.S. You get bonus points if you can find all the apartment hunting related analogies in this post.

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Look For a Partner

October 12, 2015 Leave a Comment

One of the most important things in a relationship is to always be on each other’s team.

This may seem obvious to some people but to others, the ones who always feel like they’re fighting a losing battle, to the ones that are in strained relationships, the ones who are ready to give up.. don’t. Just remember these very simple words:

You Are On The Same Side

It’s an incredibly easy concept to think about but an incredibly difficult one to put into practice. Especially once someone hurts us or we feel emotionally injured by them. We like to go searching for our pride instead of realizing that as teammates, you have to figure out what your points of tension are and work through them.. TOGETHER.

What makes a partner different than a soulmate or a lover? A partner is: A companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants. But that doesn’t happen instantly. It happens over time, through many open and honest and non-prideful conversations. It happens through happiness and joy and pain and a lot of love. And a lot of work.

Oftentimes we end up in these roller coaster ride relationships, the ones that eat away at our soul, and leave our hearts shattered. I’ve come to believe that those are absolutely necessary for our growth. I think you have to experience unbelievable heart-wrenching pain in order to properly experience unbelievably and wonderful blissful love. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself after all I’ve been through. Because none of the past seems to matter once you’re in that blissful state. Once you’ve found the right hand to hold, the right person to lean on and learn from, and the kind of love you always imagined but weren’t quite sure you’d ever find.

Wherever you go chasing for love; look for a hand to hold.. not a heart to grasp onto.

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Day to Day

October 27, 2014 Leave a Comment

Oftentimes we go through each of our days without any particular goals  or dreams in mind. We’re just kind of rolling along in life. I think this is probably most common while you’re a student and while you’re somewhere in the middle of your career. Everything just kind of… goes. And instead of trying to pick a direction for it, we just roll with the routine. We don’t even pay attention to the people we’re meeting on a regular basis and our friendships become stagnant.

Wow, how frikkin’ depressing is that!

The big key that we’re missing in all this is the people we skip out on the chance to get to know. This can be anyone – your Uber driver (some of the friendliest people I’ve ever met), the girl at the coffee shop you frequent everyday, the guy who takes your lunch order, the mail man, etc. (Keep in mind, this is not a running list of people you MAY have the opportunity to sleep with). Getting to know these people COULD potentially break you out of your routine since you might find yourself in a whole new circle of friends with a whole new set of places to frequent.

We often underestimate the role that other people can play in our lives. Who we meet and choose to spend our time with could determine way more than just where we go on Friday and Saturday nights. They could be the reason we get a new job, switch careers, or the reason we meet our future spouses. Each person you meet brings something to your life. Sometimes it’s a lesson to be as far away from that person forever as possible. But other times, it’s that we’re beautiful people with a lot to share and have the potential to bring value to the lives of the people we meet.

Get to know your neighbors – partially so maybe they won’t kill you – but also because they might be really awesome people!

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Competition

September 12, 2013 1 Comment

The desire to be the best is innate in all humans. We all want to be better, faster, stronger and smarter than everyone else. If you don’t, well.. you’re lying to yourself. It’s important that we get that job – above all other applicants. We want to marry the prettiest or smartest or wealthiest people. We all want to be better.

This is healthy. In fact, it’s the norm. Between friends and lovers alike… a little competition does everyone some good! Unless you’re crazy competitive.. like me.

I have been using a fitbit pedometer for well over a year now and I love it. I function around it. It’s absolutely amazing for control freaks like myself. I track my sleep, exercise, and food daily… and I get to see how they all interact. Days where I get more sleep, I’m less hungry. Days where I eat less carb-heavy food, I walk more… so on and so forth. It’s amazing. I know everything I could possibly want to know about my body that you can track as a metric. AWESOME!

Except that recently, my boyfriend got a fitbit. Why wouldn’t he? He’s also a control freak (Perhaps it’s why he understands me so well and doesn’t want to deck me in the face on a regular basis)! However, now that he has one.. I friended him on fitbit.com and I can see how many more (or less) steps he walks than I do. And I’ve gone bonkers on beating him. Everyday I sync up my fitbit to see how far I’ve walked, and all the rest of the information and the first thing my eyes go to is how much he’s walked. I do a little happy dance in my head if he’s walked less than me. This is what I mean by crazy competitive. If he’s anywhere close to where I am for the week, I make a mental note and take my dog on like a 3 mile walk or so to MAKE SURE he has no shot in hell of beating me. MUST. BE. BETTER.

This is of course a really great thing for my health. I’m walking more and have even lost a bit of weight. There must be an upside to being such a nut job right?

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Be the Change you Want to see in People Around you

June 26, 2013 1 Comment

So I’ve clearly altered a famous quote in order to make a point. Seems legit.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and how seemingly my definition of friendship is different from most people’s. I think my friends have certain obligations, such as always being honest with me… no matter what. Telling me things that may be hurtful. Looking out for my best interest, even when I’m not around. Being able to handle whatever I have to say. Understanding who I am as a person and defending me to others if necessary. This is just a short list… seemingly somewhat like a job description. But that’s really how I view friendship, and I think if someone wants to be your friend they should be willing to make certain they’re willing to take on that job. It’s totally optional, but once you take the job… you should be good at it.

I think that’s where the issues come in. When you befriend someone, or develop any relationship with anyone, you assume that individual is going to be good at it. That’s not usually the case, and there are usually hurdles to over come. That being said, if you want to continue being my friend and DEVELOP the relationship so it’s not like we’re just drinking buddies, then you will hear my shit, understand what I have to say and make changes accordingly. And I will do the same for you… assuming I value you enough to continue the friendship/relationship. Sometimes, you come to a cross roads – you realize that someone in your life doesn’t ‘qualify’ to be your friend. That’s okay. But it’s important to be honest… and realize that this person no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. Then, you should cut them free (so they can be someone else’s shitty friend & no longer your problem!)

I think romantical relationships (yes, romantical is now a word) and friendships are not that different. If you want someone in your life you will move heaven and earth to keep that person in your life. No one can force you to change, but if someone is valuable enough… you won’t need to be forced.

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Sex Addictions & Saltines

May 6, 2013 1 Comment

No, I wasn’t just picking two things that start with the same letter as I began typing this. These two are related, somewhat. Kind of like pregnancy and pickles.

I think anyone can list at least one celebrity/famous person that has ‘suffered’ from a sex addiction. Tiger Woods tends to come to mind for me. Mostly because he was in a seemingly happy marriage with a wife that (also, seemingly) couldn’t wait to bang him. I mean, who wouldn’t bang Tiger… he’s a pro at handling a stick.

Did I get that right? Any sports besides Hockey & Volleyball just make no sense to me.

More to the point, Tiger’s wife, Elin, is a hottie. Not a doubt comes to my mind that she has an entire list of much too attractive men ready to give it to her. So why cheat? I mean I get the need to have sex (I know, it’s earth shattering, women want sex too *GASP*), but I don’t get the need to cheat. I imagine that banging a new woman would be much like banging a new guy – uncomfortable, unfamiliar, maybe exciting, or maybe really frikkin AWFUL. Why risk the *hopefully* awesome sex you’re having on a *hopefully* regular basis with your current lover for something else that although new could be potentially AWFUL?

I will never understand cheaters. Not that I don’t know any, I know quite a few as I’ve recently discovered and I’ve had long discussions with all of them as to WHY bother in the first place- and the one thing I’ve discovered is that it comes down to fear. Mostly, fear of never being with anyone else aside from the person you’re with. Now, some people, such as myself are excited by the premise of loyalty and consistency. Others, apparently, not so much.

I don’t think that calling it a Sex Addiction is accurate. Being addicted to sex wouldn’t alone make you stray. It’s kind of like when you’re in the grocery store and you usually buy saltines but one day you’re like “I want to try something new” so you buy some ridiculous cracker or cookie that you later realize is not nearly as great as the classic. But the next time you’re at the grocery store – saltines are all sold out. Now I realize I’m comparing your significant other to salty crackers – but let’s be honest.. it’s not far off.

I guess my point with all this salty ranting is that you shouldn’t give up something great for the unknown. It’s never as good as you think it’s going to be.

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Check Your Baggage

April 13, 2013 Leave a Comment

Did ya miss me? 

School has taken over my life – sorry all, I promise I’m not deliberately neglecting you! 

Either way, I’ve been thinking through this for a while and I’d like to discuss baggage. Usually when you hear the term you think of that melodramatic girl you’re going to have to basically convince that you’re not going to beat her death if she goes to the movies with you. But in my definition of baggage, it comes in all shapes and sizes and can even come in the form of ‘lessons learned’.

First of all, men come with baggage too. So let’s just throw out that stereotype. In fact, in recent discussions in my personal group of friends – it seems the men have more baggage than the women. For one reason or another, usually pride, men don’t take the time to actually get over relationships. They hop, skip & jump right into “Onto the Next One” mode. Which is fantastic, except that ‘next one’ is probably just a rebound and you haven’t actually addressed the reason why your relationship ended. Yes, it usually takes one person to push another over the edge to end a long-term relationship – but all that build up… to the point where you’re both standing on opposite cliffs about to nose dive away from each other – that takes two people. It always takes two people to mess things up to the point where there’s no going back (unless one partner cheated on the other – but I can make the argument that the cheating was the ‘cliff’ or the way out for the cheater). In order to avoid punishing your new partner for a former partner’s mistake(s), it would be wise to truly assess what happened. You didn’t form a relationship with someone by hating them – so if you hate them in the end.. something happened. Figure it out, so that it doesn’t happen again.

Second, if you do the assessment, make it a deep and personal one. Simply taking fights and turning them into lessons won’t actually teach you to solve the problems at hand. For instance, if your former partner fought with you for not spending enough time with them, so now you see your new partner all the time to the point where it’ll make any normal person hurl – that’s not an assessment. Nor is it a solution. Perhaps you didn’t spend quality time with your former significant other, or perhaps he/she was insecure or didn’t trust you, or a million other things. The point is simply doing the opposite of the things you did in your failed relationship is not the way to grow and develop a new one.

Third and this probably the best advice I can ever give – shut up. In your new relationship, forget the old, bury it, send your baggage to the other side of the earth. If you’ve decided to commit to someone new, don’t bring up the old and don’t expect your new partner to give a damn about what happened with your ex. Why? Because the new partner is NOT your ex. Your new partner probably thinks the sun shines out of your ass (especially if you’re still in the honeymoon stage) and will think whoever messed things up with you deserves to be institutionalized. Don’t talk about it. Don’t fight about it. Don’t compare. And for goodness sakes – don’t punish your new partner for your old partner’s mistakes. Just because you were cheated on before, doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. If you’ve assessed your prior relationship and have committed to a new one, we’re going to assume that you’re over your ex. If you’re not, don’t waste anyone’s time by being a new relationship.

Let’s break the cycle people. Just because your ex was a douche doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch to the next guy. Check your baggage before you hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it.

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Racism.

January 31, 2013 2 Comments

I was going to come up with a clever title for this post but then I decided to be abrupt… much like the topic I’m going to discuss.

If you don’t think that racism still exists – you’re ignorant. and stupid.. but mostly ignorant. It’s all around you and clear as well.. black and white. You can perhaps say that I know nothing on this topic as I’m a white woman. You fail. I’ve dated outside my race – much to the dismay of my white peers and most of my friends.

There’s nothing that gets either race as angry as someone dating someone of a different race. For some reason, even though everyone is all -hush hush- about it.. it’s still socially unacceptable. Even from the point of view of someone who “admires” you. Which may be the most irritating of all – the people that have told me “I admire what you’re doing, you’re so strong” as if I’m overcoming cancer or something. It’s absolutely absurd and necessary for people to discuss openly.

Just to be exact, I’m not only talking about whites dating blacks, I’m also talking about whites dating Asians, or blacks dating Asians, or even Asians dating other types of Asians (you know China and Japan aren’t the only Asian countries, right?).

There are also so many factors at play when thinking about an inter-racial/inter-ethnic relationship. First and foremost is the background of the individuals. Now, I can admit that I grew up in a relatively racist family, mostly because there wasn’t anyone but white people in the Soviet Union and my family was just shocked by the various different types of people that exist in the world when they arrived to the US. Imagine reading a book about a country filled with different types of unicorns and then actually coming to that country – it would be a pretty radical change. The younger generation obviously adapts easier to these changes.. good luck convincing my grandparents that we’re all the same though, they won’t buy it. On the other hand, if you aren’t white, chances are your family or even maybe you have experienced blatant racism at some point in their lives, which would obviously create a mistrust of white people and the prejudice would grow from there.

Next, you have what’s probably the biggest barrier… FAMILY. You can be the least racist or prejudice individual possible but if you bring someone into your home who is of the opposite race and your family isn’t comfortable with that – forget it.. just call it quits. My ex-boyfriend was from Guyana… my family looked at him like he was a crocodile with 2 heads. That obviously doesn’t make someone comfortable and he (appropriately) felt unwelcome in my home. And I felt awkward having him there. One of my friends dated a Chinese- American. He was one of those ghetto Asians – but his family obviously wasn’t. So anytime she’d be at his house she’d feel out of place… obviously the second most comforting place in the world aside from your own home should be your significant other’s home.. it puts a bit of a damper on the relationship when that’s not the case.

After the family issue comes the Public. Getting strange looks on the train from just about everyone is enough to make you go crazy. Actually crazy. Because if you care for someone you don’t feel like what you’re doing is wrong. But apparently everyone else does. It’s like you have the plague, a vicious plague that creates some scary looking bumps on your face that you just want to run away from and hibernate forever. Ok – that was a bit dramatic, but I think you get the point. So either people stare at you like you’re crazy or they look at you in admiration – like you’re accomplishing something spectacular by dating outside your race. Neither one is particularly appealing or appreciated.

All of these points lead to a very significant one; Dating outside your ethnicity also means that the person grew up differently, with different values, different priorities, and a different lifestyle. All of these things will inevitably impact your relationship. Regardless of how much you agree on, you can’t change your upbringing and you can’t change your family. Dating someone within your own race is significantly easier- especially if they coincidentally happen to be from the same country, ethnic/religious background and everything else. That doesn’t mean you should be closed minded though.

Just because something has been done a certain way for a long time, doesn’t mean it’s the right way, the best way or the only way.

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What’s Your Favorite Wild Animal?

December 12, 2012 Leave a Comment

Okcupid.com has this question about which is more nerve racking for you – first dates or important interviews. Now NORMAL people would probably say important interviews but I beg to be different – and I’m sure I’m not the only one. See any interview can only go so badly being that you’re basing everything you’re discussing off of experience & off of things you know you can or can’t discuss during the interview. Whereas, on a first date, there’s not “can’t say this”.. there’s no official guide. Also, I feel like it’s less nerve racking to lose a job opportunity rather than lose some guy that perhaps you’ve been swooning over – but unlikely since men are childish pigs at best.

Let’s first talk about the fact that guys don’t even know how to ask someone out on a damn date. They say things like “Hey, want to go hang out on friday?” What if you guys are friends and you’ve been hanging out on fridays for the last like 2 years, how the hell am I supposed to know this friday is special? I’d have to wait for that awkward kiss attempt at the end of the night in order to discover you might like me. The only thing worse is the guy that tries to cop a feel on top of that or touches you. Like hello, we just met and you’ve tried to feel more of me than is kosher. I want to meet the guy that goes, “Hi, I like you and I want to take you out somewhere nice, how about ____.”

Since when are men so damn insecure that they can’t pick a place to eat? It’s nice of you to ask once, maybe, but if I say something like “anywhere is fine” then I mean that you should go and yelp some places all on your own and take me somewhere.  If you keep asking I will just assume you’re incompetent.. or don’t have a pair, which would you prefer?

Men should pay for the first date, under all circumstances. Girls have to do the fake “oh can I please pay for half” bit, but the man should pay. And if the man doesn’t pay… then you should never ever EVER see him again. Seriously. Men don’t take women out if you’re not actually taking them out. It’s not that complicated.

Although, I have heard that some women tend to be awful dates themselves – they ruin it for the rest of us. There are the women that message incessantly asking questions prior to the date, like how much can a guy really mess up? It’s not likely that he’s cooking the dinner you’ll be eating or producing the movie you’ll be sitting through, if you don’t like it.. that’s really the worst that will happen. Then there also the silent ones. What kind of woman are you if you don’t like to speak and snoop out information about your date immediately… where are your womanly detective skills?? Let’s be real now, it’s great when a man can “keep” a conversation but they aren’t supposed to be starting them. Get yourself together – he’s paying for you, the least you can do is speak. And if she doesn’t speak – then she can pay because chances are you don’t much care about ever seeing her again.

The topics of conversation on a first date tend to be awkward just by the nature of how things occur but primarily because people are idiots. If you were meeting someone of the opposite sex for the first time and not trying to get with them would you really talk about the weather? Or ask them ridiculous questions. Do you really care what my favorite wild animal is? The only reason that question would work for you in any way is at carnival if you were winning me a toy koala bear by playing some game. Otherwise, how the hell is that relevant for the future? Also, why do you ask about my past relationship on our FIRST date? Do you really want to know my dark side so quickly? Let’s keep some mystery here, we still have dates 2, 3, 4 & 5 to fill up  assuming you’re thinking with the proper “head” on your body.

One final bit of advice, if you’re the guy on a first date that’s actually going well and you go in for the kiss – don’t ask first. The asking for kisses thing is only cute when you’re already in a relationship. Otherwise it’s insecure.

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