Okcupid.com has this question about which is more nerve racking for you – first dates or important interviews. Now NORMAL people would probably say important interviews but I beg to be different – and I’m sure I’m not the only one. See any interview can only go so badly being that you’re basing everything you’re discussing off of experience & off of things you know you can or can’t discuss during the interview. Whereas, on a first date, there’s not “can’t say this”.. there’s no official guide. Also, I feel like it’s less nerve racking to lose a job opportunity rather than lose some guy that perhaps you’ve been swooning over – but unlikely since men are childish pigs at best.

Let’s first talk about the fact that guys don’t even know how to ask someone out on a damn date. They say things like “Hey, want to go hang out on friday?” What if you guys are friends and you’ve been hanging out on fridays for the last like 2 years, how the hell am I supposed to know this friday is special? I’d have to wait for that awkward kiss attempt at the end of the night in order to discover you might like me. The only thing worse is the guy that tries to cop a feel on top of that or touches you. Like hello, we just met and you’ve tried to feel more of me than is kosher. I want to meet the guy that goes, “Hi, I like you and I want to take you out somewhere nice, how about ____.”

Since when are men so damn insecure that they can’t pick a place to eat? It’s nice of you to ask once, maybe, but if I say something like “anywhere is fine” then I mean that you should go and yelp some places all on your own and take me somewhere.  If you keep asking I will just assume you’re incompetent.. or don’t have a pair, which would you prefer?

Men should pay for the first date, under all circumstances. Girls have to do the fake “oh can I please pay for half” bit, but the man should pay. And if the man doesn’t pay… then you should never ever EVER see him again. Seriously. Men don’t take women out if you’re not actually taking them out. It’s not that complicated.

Although, I have heard that some women tend to be awful dates themselves – they ruin it for the rest of us. There are the women that message incessantly asking questions prior to the date, like how much can a guy really mess up? It’s not likely that he’s cooking the dinner you’ll be eating or producing the movie you’ll be sitting through, if you don’t like it.. that’s really the worst that will happen. Then there also the silent ones. What kind of woman are you if you don’t like to speak and snoop out information about your date immediately… where are your womanly detective skills?? Let’s be real now, it’s great when a man can “keep” a conversation but they aren’t supposed to be starting them. Get yourself together – he’s paying for you, the least you can do is speak. And if she doesn’t speak – then she can pay because chances are you don’t much care about ever seeing her again.

The topics of conversation on a first date tend to be awkward just by the nature of how things occur but primarily because people are idiots. If you were meeting someone of the opposite sex for the first time and not trying to get with them would you really talk about the weather? Or ask them ridiculous questions. Do you really care what my favorite wild animal is? The only reason that question would work for you in any way is at carnival if you were winning me a toy koala bear by playing some game. Otherwise, how the hell is that relevant for the future? Also, why do you ask about my past relationship on our FIRST date? Do you really want to know my dark side so quickly? Let’s keep some mystery here, we still have dates 2, 3, 4 & 5 to fill up  assuming you’re thinking with the proper “head” on your body.

One final bit of advice, if you’re the guy on a first date that’s actually going well and you go in for the kiss – don’t ask first. The asking for kisses thing is only cute when you’re already in a relationship. Otherwise it’s insecure.