I’m not sure if anyone else notices this but when you’re not in a relationship the things that other people do in their relationships seem so ridiculous. This may also be true while you’re in one. Perhaps I’ve just been in tune with this since I need material to write about.

The Flip Outs

We’ve all been there. You have that significant other that flips out ALL the time. Accusations everywhere!! I have to ask. What’s the point? What are you hoping to get out of acting like a complete psycho? Do you think accusing your significant other of cheating will make them less likely to cheat? It’s simple. If he’s cheating on you, you’re going to end up finding out sooner or later anyway so you might as well control your stress levels and just chill out. If he’s not cheating on you and you’re accusing a wonderful guy of cheating on you while he’s being loyal then you’re just pushing him away and messing up your relationship for no good reason.

The Stay-At-Homes

Why do people drop their lives, their friendships, and their personalities once they get into a relationship? Your man has to work late and you’re calling me up complaining that now you’re stuck sitting at home. I invite you to go have dinner and you say no. Excuse me what? Did you just forget how to be a person? I don’t understand how you give up your entire life and who you are just because someone stamps Girlfriend on your forehead. You know what’s going to happen when you guys break up? You’re going to be all alone and have no friends… and the only person you have to blame is yourself.

The Future Builders

So you just went on your third date with this guy and you’re imagining what your babies are going to look like. You know there’s a word for people like you. It’s fucking CREEPY. This guy is probably on his 4th date with someone else and just picked up a girl at a bar right after he dropped you home. Calm down. It’s a third date not a proposal. You don’t even know if this guy is really into you yet or he’s trying to figure out how many dinners it’s going to take until your panties drop. Also, if you find a guy who is the one doing this, it’s not cute, it’s sad and pathetic and chances are he doesn’t have much going for him personality/looks wise and you need to re-evaluate your decision to date him.

The Compulsive Liars

The people who lie about everything all the time to see how many lies they can get away with before they get caught by their significant others. Then they cry like little babies and are like “OMG I’m so stupid, why didn’t I just tell him I bought red socks instead of blue ones”. Yea, you are stupid, and he’s even more stupid for staying with you.

The Fuck Ups

I mean generally, in life. The people who do ridiculous things like quit their jobs or drop out of school while in a relationship. Then they complain they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Then they complain that their significant other is complaining that they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

The Doing-Too-Much Problem

I know a bunch of girls that constantly complain that their boyfriends are too busy studying and working to make time to see them every day. Really? This makes me want to vomit. I understand if your boyfriend has like 5 jobs for no good reason and is basically avoiding seeing you but if your man is out there making himself a better person and still making time to see you at least once a week, especially if he treats you well, then suck it up. It’s part of “being a supportive girlfriend”. Learn to do it because it will pay off big time once he rises to the top.

The Not-Doing-Enough Problem

You both get so lazy that you stop going anywhere. Even the boring double dates start being few and far between. You’ve probably almost merged into one person because all you do is lay around and do nothing together. It’s disgusting. Go find yourself a life and learn to spend time apart.

The Ones Who Stop Giving A Shit About Their Bodies

This is probably my favorite, because it happens so simultaneously in relationships. Every time you see the couple they have each gained about 15 pounds. 2 years together and there’s a sesame chicken & fried rice deficit in NYC and they both weigh 350 pounds. It’s not cute. No one else will ever love you if you keep doing this to yourself. The key to loving someone else is to love yourself first. I couldn’t love myself in size 16 pants. Sorry. If people on the train genuinely offer you their seats because they think you’re pregnant then it’s time to visit the produce section more often.

The Non-Communicators

…with each other anyway. They have no problems communicating with EVERYONE else around them. These are the girls that think there’s something wrong so they call up 19 of their closest girlfriends and discuss it in detail, piecing together every word he’s said over the last 15 weeks as if he were God dictating the damn Bible over again. Men, on the other hand, will just drink themselves retarded with their guy friends over a game of football (which women will take to mean that the guy no longer loves them and avoids spending time with them). Just go and learn to talk to your significant other. seriously.

The Sex Problems

Why is the one person you don’t discuss sex with, and all the things you might want to try, your significant other? Then you end up having vanilla sex for 3 years. Go pick up 50 Shades of Grey and have a discussion over who’s bringing in the toys and make things come alive. This helps to fix other things. Perhaps your man would be more willing to communicate with you if you were open to trying it with your left leg behind your head?

The Money Problems

You know those people that are like, “I bought him a gift for $300, but the gift he bought me was only $200, WTF?!” That’s not okay. Stop being such a materialistic douche. Who counts money in relationships anyway? We’re all young and basically broke. Worse is if you offer to pick something up for your boyfriend, like his dry-cleaning, and then complain that he didn’t pay you back for it. Really? Are we doing that now? He’s your significant other, and it was like $8. Calm down, he probably spent 90 times that amount before you gave him the “privilege” of calling you his girlfriend.

The FBI Agents

Another favorite. I love the girls that get all the passwords and constantly check the guys’ phones. And then proceed to ask them questions about who every single person is in their contacts and if they’ve ever slept with them. And then if so, how many times and how long ago was it and “omg you slept with her only 4 years ago- delete her now!” How is this helping your relationship? If you have trust problems you need to seek counseling and stop subjecting your boyfriend to your personal problems. OMG did you just find out that he’s friends with his ex on facebook? Are you now stalking his entire life? You’re sad. Just Stop.

The Actual Stalkers

These are the people who actually follow their significant others around and call them while they’re looking at them to make sure they aren’t lying.

Ancient meme:

Girl: Where are you?

Boy: In bed, thinking of you, and you?

Girl: Right behind you at the club.

See, this kind of stuff actually happens though. And as mentioned earlier… the guy who wants to lie and cheat is going to lie and cheat no matter how psycho you act so just stop!

The Drama Queens

We’ve all been with that person that just seriously enjoys arguing and fighting. It’s like a way for them to spice up the relationship or something when they’re bored. “OMG you’re wearing a purple shirt today! That was your exes favorite color, you must be cheating on me!!!”. I’ve heard people also tend to take things more seriously as time goes on. I have a friend who fought with her boyfriend over yogurt at one point. Hey! Don’t laugh.. Yogurt is important.

In conclusion I would just like to say: Fuck relationships, just have sex.