Look For a Partner

October 12, 2015 Leave a Comment

One of the most important things in a relationship is to always be on each other’s team.

This may seem obvious to some people but to others, the ones who always feel like they’re fighting a losing battle, to the ones that are in strained relationships, the ones who are ready to give up.. don’t. Just remember these very simple words:

You Are On The Same Side

It’s an incredibly easy concept to think about but an incredibly difficult one to put into practice. Especially once someone hurts us or we feel emotionally injured by them. We like to go searching for our pride instead of realizing that as teammates, you have to figure out what your points of tension are and work through them.. TOGETHER.

What makes a partner different than a soulmate or a lover? A partner is: A companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants. But that doesn’t happen instantly. It happens over time, through many open and honest and non-prideful conversations. It happens through happiness and joy and pain and a lot of love. And a lot of work.

Oftentimes we end up in these roller coaster ride relationships, the ones that eat away at our soul, and leave our hearts shattered. I’ve come to believe that those are absolutely necessary for our growth. I think you have to experience unbelievable heart-wrenching pain in order to properly experience unbelievably and wonderful blissful love. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself after all I’ve been through. Because none of the past seems to matter once you’re in that blissful state. Once you’ve found the right hand to hold, the right person to lean on and learn from, and the kind of love you always imagined but weren’t quite sure you’d ever find.

Wherever you go chasing for love; look for a hand to hold.. not a heart to grasp onto.

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It’s All About the Butterflies

September 21, 2015 Leave a Comment

I’ve been handing out relationship advice for a long time now and recently someone asked me what in the world qualified me to do so. My answer was simple (and brilliant): I’m quite good at learning from my mistakes. But then I really got to think about it and the answer is actually the opposite. I’m really good at learning from my successes.

Instead of focusing on all the things that went wrong in previous relationships and all the things I could learn, all the mistakes I made and etc., I do the exact opposite. I focus on all the good stuff. I focus on the times I smiled the most and the little things that made me the happiest in the past. I think about all the things I’ve done that worked in favor of the relationship and things that made it stronger/better/happier.

You see, I’m not counting successful relationships as those that lasted the longest. Sometimes, the relationships in which you made the most mistakes, the ones that were gut-wrenching and painful were the longest. Probably not a good example of things you want going forward. You probably want to think about when you were the most excited to wake up each day. So even if that relationship lasted a month.. why not learn from it?

One of the most important things I learned is that both parties have to contribute to keeping the “butterflies” in the relationship. Little surprises, sweet gifts, delicious home-cooked meals, naked greetings at the door (you know.. for some) or whatever else will make the other person turn their head… and smile.

I don’t often get personal and specific… okay that’s a lie… I try to be coy but I fail epically. But here goes:

Before I first met my current boyfriend we spoke for like 2 weeks.. on the phone, via text, and lots of selfies were exchanged too. I was SO nervous to meet him. I must have sent pics of my outfit that day to like 8 of my friends to make sure it said “I’m cool and awesome and I woke up likes this!” I was literally shaking when he picked me up and I got in his car. We only had a few hours together that day before I had to catch a flight so I knew it had to go well. Afterwords, I was still shaking. I was so excited that I had met this person and spent a couple hours with him. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Flash forward to over a year later: Before every single weekend I spend with my boyfriend, I feel those exact same butterflies. I get excited to see him, to spend time with him. Every time he kisses me, I get excited, I plan an entire weekend worth of outfits because I never know what we’re going to do and I always want him to be impressed by how I look… even in my leggings and tees… because I work on my butt on the regular. On Monday morning when I’m sitting at the office all I think about is how awesome the weekend was, how many smiles were exchanged and what new and exciting things I can come up with for the next weekend.

But here’s the key… I want HIM to be impressed. All of everything I do and plan and focus on is about trying to surprise him and make him smile. It’s not about me. It’s about us and our relationship and making it better for both of us. Because honestly, what’s better than your man smiling at you?

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A Brand New World….

September 2, 2014 Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about those times when you re-enter the dating world. I feel like there’s now a series of steps involved that everyone dreads and tries to avoid as much as possible but it’s inevitable – so I say.. RIP THE BAND- AID OFF!

1) You have to do the facebook relationship status change. Oh this is dramatic. You get all the “OH MY GOSH! What happened?!” messages. And then, if you’re a girl, they slowly transition to creepy guys adding you and trying to message you. So.not.cool. But eventually it all cools down & you begin to figure out how to split up the mutual friend circle that you built with your ex which can be a dramatic process unless you have the greatest friends in the world! LIKE ME! (this is a shameless shout out to my amazing friends <3)

2) You have to start putting yourself out there. Now, if you’ve been following my posts then you know that I entertain the world of online dating. This time around, I actually went for the paid sites in an effort to find something more serious- such as http://www.match.com – which is actually quite effective. If you’re serious about finding a partner, I would recommend staying away from the free dating sites – the tinder, okcupid, plenty of fish sites of the world. These sites are geared more for hook-ups and personally, I think I’m just too old for it or maybe Brooklyn has broken me and I’m over the hook-up scene. #maturity.

3) Being with someone else. This has always been the hardest part for me of breaking up. You also have to step out of your comfort zone. You’re used to being with and interacting with a certain person. You’re used to their mannerisms and you’ve learned to pick up on certain cues they give you. You can tell when they’re sad, happy, in need of a hug or in need of being left alone. Now you have to learn all these things about whoever you’ll be seeing next, and chances are (unless you get really lucky) you’ll have to date several people before you find someone where everything just clicks. This brings me to my next point….

4) Don’t ever settle. No matter how long it takes you to find someone, keep going until you find someone where you “click”. I don’t think there’s a time frame on it and I don’t think you need to date 40 people to find the right one, or at least the right one right now. Whether it’s the first, second or thirty-fifth person you date, you should be EXCITED to see them, or hear from them. They should give you that feeling in your belly when you get a message or a phone call from them… and that feeling should never go away. I think the number one killer to a relationship is when you stop dating and stop flirting. You slowly begin to lose interest because the excitement starts going away. I believe in butterflies. I believe you should be so enthralled with the person you’re seeing that you never play games. You should want to see them as much as possible. You should look into their eyes and see nothing but bliss and joy and happiness. You should feel safe in their arms. This to me, is how you know you found someone worth keeping.

I don’t believe in being with someone because you’re used to them or because you rely on them or because you’re too co-dependent to be on your own. I can safely say that I’ve never felt like I’ve needed any man. Somehow this is offensive to some men but maybe I just look at it different. You’re in my life because I WANT you in it. “Needing”, to me, seems like a pathetic choke-hold on a situation. You should never NEED another person because we’re all mortal. Your significant other can get taken away from this planet at any given moment in time so you should always be surrounded in your life by those you WANT in your life who WANT you in theirs.

I think each relationship that ends is a building block and path way to finding what you truly want. Each relationship carries a lesson. I think the next person I choose to call mine will be absolutely incredible and will make me have a smile plastered from ear to ear on my face. I guess I’m just chasing happiness, and I know myself better now so I’m happy with me and that’s always the first step.

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A List of Complaints from A Dog Owner

February 24, 2014 Leave a Comment

Recently I’ve been feeling like every time I take my dog outside something absolutely ridiculous happens that makes me want to hit someone over the head with my least favorite accounting textbook. So below is a list of “fun facts” as well the ridiculous experiences that correspond.

1. Dogs can tell that you’re human. Some dude seriously barked at my dog, several times, and then asked me why my dog wasn’t responding to his barking and said there’s something wrong with my dog. No dude, there’s something wrong with you. Dogs can tell that the bark coming from your mouth is not one that belongs to another dog. #thatsnothowitworksbro.

2. I know my dog better than you know my dog. So my dog is a mixed breed, he’s a cockalier (half american cocker spaniel and half king charles cavalier spaniel) but he looks very close to a regular cocker. People often try to convince me that my dog is some sort of weird mix. “He’s not a cocker at all! He’s a german shepherd shitsu!” What?! Are you blind? I also get “OMG we have the same dog, don’t you just love poodles?”. Have you looked at your dog lately, because my dog looks about as much like a poodle as your dog does a doberman. 

3. Your shitty little rugrat needs training, not my dog. If your little weasel sticks his disgusting fingers into my dog’s eyes or mouth then he will get bitten and it’s not my dog that needs help… it’s you and your child. Put that thing on a leash, will ya? If your kid squeals, at decibel levels that would wake dead people, why are you surprised that my dog is barking? If i could, I would bark at that level of irritation too. 

4. It is not my dog’s job to stay away from you, it is your job to stay away from my dog. If you’re afraid of my dog then walk away, cross the street, move aside… just pick something and do it but don’t stand there in the middle of the street and say “Can your dog move” . No, he’s a dog, he wants to strut in the middle of the street and he won’t move for your royally stupid self. 

5. My dog doesn’t HAVE to like you. Dogs, like many people, do not like every single person they meet. Sometimes, he will be very happy to hand you a paw and say hello and let you pet him. Other times, he just wants to get on with his walk and doesn’t care about your existence. Why are you offended? He doesn’t owe you anything! You’re actually nobody to him. Start feeding him, he’ll gain more interest, I promise.

6. Don’t feed my dog without my consent. I really never thought this would be a situation but I was walking by a restaurant the other day and some guy just threw his chicken wing at my dog. Without asking me or anything. So I picked it up with a plastic bag and handed it back to the guy and said “no, thank you”. Apparently I’m the asshole in this situation… he made sure to let me know. 

7. I like my dog better than I will ever potentially like you. I would throw you under a bus to save my dog. I’m just going to leave it at that. 

8. I will not tie my dog up for you. If you’re a store that doesn’t allow my dog to go in with me, for whatever reason, I simply won’t shop at your store. There are other stores that will be happy to have my dog and I as patrons and those are the ones I will frequent. Usually, I don’t ever stop by stores on dog walks, but on the occasions that I absolutely can’t escape it, I already know the places in my neighborhood that know that they will simply charge me for anything my dog might ruin – it’s that simple. Plus, he never ruins anything meanwhile there’s a shitty little 7 year old knocking things off shelves and that’s not a problem at all! 

I think that’s all I have for today. Have any other dog owners experienced any frustrations lately?

 

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Be the Change you Want to see in People Around you

June 26, 2013 1 Comment

So I’ve clearly altered a famous quote in order to make a point. Seems legit.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and how seemingly my definition of friendship is different from most people’s. I think my friends have certain obligations, such as always being honest with me… no matter what. Telling me things that may be hurtful. Looking out for my best interest, even when I’m not around. Being able to handle whatever I have to say. Understanding who I am as a person and defending me to others if necessary. This is just a short list… seemingly somewhat like a job description. But that’s really how I view friendship, and I think if someone wants to be your friend they should be willing to make certain they’re willing to take on that job. It’s totally optional, but once you take the job… you should be good at it.

I think that’s where the issues come in. When you befriend someone, or develop any relationship with anyone, you assume that individual is going to be good at it. That’s not usually the case, and there are usually hurdles to over come. That being said, if you want to continue being my friend and DEVELOP the relationship so it’s not like we’re just drinking buddies, then you will hear my shit, understand what I have to say and make changes accordingly. And I will do the same for you… assuming I value you enough to continue the friendship/relationship. Sometimes, you come to a cross roads – you realize that someone in your life doesn’t ‘qualify’ to be your friend. That’s okay. But it’s important to be honest… and realize that this person no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. Then, you should cut them free (so they can be someone else’s shitty friend & no longer your problem!)

I think romantical relationships (yes, romantical is now a word) and friendships are not that different. If you want someone in your life you will move heaven and earth to keep that person in your life. No one can force you to change, but if someone is valuable enough… you won’t need to be forced.

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Keep it Simple

April 21, 2013 Leave a Comment

I saw one of those quote image things earlier today that got me thinking about life, friendships, relationships, etc. Clearly an effective image that someone managed to create unlike 99% of the other crap I see on instagram/facebook.

Basically it recommended keeping things simple. If you want to see someone – call them, want something – ask for it, like something – state it… get the picture? In lame terms, it’s not that complicated to live a happy life, just stop over thinking everything & think simply.. especially because you only have one life.

This got me thinking about my friends – who are, ironically, anything but simple. And i thought how many situations this focus on simplicity can solve. I have a friend who’s too afraid to ask another friend out… you want something – just ask. I have another friend who doesn’t know how to tell her boyfriend that she’s annoyed he rarely ever pays for her… don’t like something – tell him. Another friend of mine makes it a point to never be the first to text or call a guy regardless if she wants to hear from them or see them, she just waits for them to call….want to see someone – call them. I, personally, have been significantly busier this year than I have in many other prior years, and I try to balance everything but it’s hard and there are only so many hours in a day. Most of my friends have been nothing short of amazing, supportive and really just plain understanding of everything I have up in the air. But, understandably, I have other friends that complain that they never see me… Ironically these are also the same friends who never call or text me and try to see me. It’s simple – you want to see me, call me.

I feel like a lot of people are constantly over thinking, trying to strategize, trying to figure people out – whatever the case may be. But in reality things can be so much simpler. Why compete with someone on who makes plans more often or who calls more often or who pays for dinner more often … stop analyzing and just live. Do whatever the hell makes you personally happy, and whatever you do.. do it well.

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Check Your Baggage

April 13, 2013 Leave a Comment

Did ya miss me? 

School has taken over my life – sorry all, I promise I’m not deliberately neglecting you! 

Either way, I’ve been thinking through this for a while and I’d like to discuss baggage. Usually when you hear the term you think of that melodramatic girl you’re going to have to basically convince that you’re not going to beat her death if she goes to the movies with you. But in my definition of baggage, it comes in all shapes and sizes and can even come in the form of ‘lessons learned’.

First of all, men come with baggage too. So let’s just throw out that stereotype. In fact, in recent discussions in my personal group of friends – it seems the men have more baggage than the women. For one reason or another, usually pride, men don’t take the time to actually get over relationships. They hop, skip & jump right into “Onto the Next One” mode. Which is fantastic, except that ‘next one’ is probably just a rebound and you haven’t actually addressed the reason why your relationship ended. Yes, it usually takes one person to push another over the edge to end a long-term relationship – but all that build up… to the point where you’re both standing on opposite cliffs about to nose dive away from each other – that takes two people. It always takes two people to mess things up to the point where there’s no going back (unless one partner cheated on the other – but I can make the argument that the cheating was the ‘cliff’ or the way out for the cheater). In order to avoid punishing your new partner for a former partner’s mistake(s), it would be wise to truly assess what happened. You didn’t form a relationship with someone by hating them – so if you hate them in the end.. something happened. Figure it out, so that it doesn’t happen again.

Second, if you do the assessment, make it a deep and personal one. Simply taking fights and turning them into lessons won’t actually teach you to solve the problems at hand. For instance, if your former partner fought with you for not spending enough time with them, so now you see your new partner all the time to the point where it’ll make any normal person hurl – that’s not an assessment. Nor is it a solution. Perhaps you didn’t spend quality time with your former significant other, or perhaps he/she was insecure or didn’t trust you, or a million other things. The point is simply doing the opposite of the things you did in your failed relationship is not the way to grow and develop a new one.

Third and this probably the best advice I can ever give – shut up. In your new relationship, forget the old, bury it, send your baggage to the other side of the earth. If you’ve decided to commit to someone new, don’t bring up the old and don’t expect your new partner to give a damn about what happened with your ex. Why? Because the new partner is NOT your ex. Your new partner probably thinks the sun shines out of your ass (especially if you’re still in the honeymoon stage) and will think whoever messed things up with you deserves to be institutionalized. Don’t talk about it. Don’t fight about it. Don’t compare. And for goodness sakes – don’t punish your new partner for your old partner’s mistakes. Just because you were cheated on before, doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. If you’ve assessed your prior relationship and have committed to a new one, we’re going to assume that you’re over your ex. If you’re not, don’t waste anyone’s time by being a new relationship.

Let’s break the cycle people. Just because your ex was a douche doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch to the next guy. Check your baggage before you hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it.

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For All the Love in the World!

February 14, 2013 Leave a Comment

First of all, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE!

Secondly, I will never understand people who loathe this holiday. And you all know as well as I do, that people who dislike Valentine’s Day are bitter as hell about it! Even if you’re single, what is there to be so angry about? It’s not like the only love in your life comes from a significant other. In fact, some of the greatest love comes from friends, family & pets! Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go in your life but the people you generally love every single day of your life – those people are likely to be around for a long time. So APPRECIATE them & maybe buy them some chocolate!

I really enjoy Valentine’s day and not because I’m in a relationship or anything but because Love is everywhere! It’s a day dedicated to celebrating the magical concept that is Love. People go out of their way to do nice things for people simply because of it and that’s amazing! It feels like everyone slows down a bit just to enjoy one of the most amazing feelings and experiences that this world has to offer! Plus flowers and chocolate are EVERYWHERE and just seeing someone carrying a bouquet makes my heart smile.

 

I hope everyone stops today and thinks about all the love that’s all around them. You have so much to be thankful for!

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Racism.

January 31, 2013 2 Comments

I was going to come up with a clever title for this post but then I decided to be abrupt… much like the topic I’m going to discuss.

If you don’t think that racism still exists – you’re ignorant. and stupid.. but mostly ignorant. It’s all around you and clear as well.. black and white. You can perhaps say that I know nothing on this topic as I’m a white woman. You fail. I’ve dated outside my race – much to the dismay of my white peers and most of my friends.

There’s nothing that gets either race as angry as someone dating someone of a different race. For some reason, even though everyone is all -hush hush- about it.. it’s still socially unacceptable. Even from the point of view of someone who “admires” you. Which may be the most irritating of all – the people that have told me “I admire what you’re doing, you’re so strong” as if I’m overcoming cancer or something. It’s absolutely absurd and necessary for people to discuss openly.

Just to be exact, I’m not only talking about whites dating blacks, I’m also talking about whites dating Asians, or blacks dating Asians, or even Asians dating other types of Asians (you know China and Japan aren’t the only Asian countries, right?).

There are also so many factors at play when thinking about an inter-racial/inter-ethnic relationship. First and foremost is the background of the individuals. Now, I can admit that I grew up in a relatively racist family, mostly because there wasn’t anyone but white people in the Soviet Union and my family was just shocked by the various different types of people that exist in the world when they arrived to the US. Imagine reading a book about a country filled with different types of unicorns and then actually coming to that country – it would be a pretty radical change. The younger generation obviously adapts easier to these changes.. good luck convincing my grandparents that we’re all the same though, they won’t buy it. On the other hand, if you aren’t white, chances are your family or even maybe you have experienced blatant racism at some point in their lives, which would obviously create a mistrust of white people and the prejudice would grow from there.

Next, you have what’s probably the biggest barrier… FAMILY. You can be the least racist or prejudice individual possible but if you bring someone into your home who is of the opposite race and your family isn’t comfortable with that – forget it.. just call it quits. My ex-boyfriend was from Guyana… my family looked at him like he was a crocodile with 2 heads. That obviously doesn’t make someone comfortable and he (appropriately) felt unwelcome in my home. And I felt awkward having him there. One of my friends dated a Chinese- American. He was one of those ghetto Asians – but his family obviously wasn’t. So anytime she’d be at his house she’d feel out of place… obviously the second most comforting place in the world aside from your own home should be your significant other’s home.. it puts a bit of a damper on the relationship when that’s not the case.

After the family issue comes the Public. Getting strange looks on the train from just about everyone is enough to make you go crazy. Actually crazy. Because if you care for someone you don’t feel like what you’re doing is wrong. But apparently everyone else does. It’s like you have the plague, a vicious plague that creates some scary looking bumps on your face that you just want to run away from and hibernate forever. Ok – that was a bit dramatic, but I think you get the point. So either people stare at you like you’re crazy or they look at you in admiration – like you’re accomplishing something spectacular by dating outside your race. Neither one is particularly appealing or appreciated.

All of these points lead to a very significant one; Dating outside your ethnicity also means that the person grew up differently, with different values, different priorities, and a different lifestyle. All of these things will inevitably impact your relationship. Regardless of how much you agree on, you can’t change your upbringing and you can’t change your family. Dating someone within your own race is significantly easier- especially if they coincidentally happen to be from the same country, ethnic/religious background and everything else. That doesn’t mean you should be closed minded though.

Just because something has been done a certain way for a long time, doesn’t mean it’s the right way, the best way or the only way.

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