Word of the Year: Purpose

December 13, 2016 Leave a Comment

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I spent too large a portion of 2016 absolutely hating my job – large Broker Dealer bank world will do that to you – shout out to Merrill Lynch for being a complete sh*t hole! Then I spent an even larger portion finding a company that does Finance right, learning all the ins-and-outs, finding my groove, and am finally at the point where I love what I do 45+ hours a week. YAY ME!

I also spent a good portion of the year becoming a real “health” expert. Whatever that might mean to you. I’m a certified health coach thanks to IIN and on top of that I’ve taken course after course about eating to heal various disorders, eating to lose weight, eating to gain weight, eating to compete in figure related competitions, eating to fix imbalances in the body and ultimately, eating to be our own best selves – it certainly looks different for everyone and it’s been an amazingly fulfilling learning experience. I’ve even been fortunate enough to coach some amazing people and watch them transform. Pretty amazing stuff. YAY ME!

One thing down and the rest of my life to go.

Somewhere along the way I realized that although I absolutely love what I do – both full time and part time for work, I don’t have something I’m doing on a regular basis that would feel my soul.

I love helping people organize their financial lives and I love helping people solve their health and life problems in general. And although it is ABSOLUTELY a form of soul food to help others, it is entirely a practice dependent on having others to help. I felt for a while like the gaping hole was growing bigger because I was doing nothing that depended on me and only me and helped me to feeeeeeeeel goooooood!

Even though I’m a health coach, I’m not a big fan of working out. I loathe the gym. I’ve worked with personal trainers, some of which charged way too much for standing around at the gym and watching me jump rope while they texted, I’ve taken classes, I’ve done the whole gym shebang… and it’s just not fun for me. I just can’t spend the few free hours in a week doing something I absolutely detest.

Finance is not really something I can do in my free time. I definitely help others around me organize their finances and coach and teach them elements of finance every chance I get… until they’re likely more tired of hearing it than I am of saying it. But, as I mentioned, it’s hard to make a pass time out of this.

At some point I realized that a life filled with wonderful work that I love is not quite enough to satisfy my heart. Here came the thinking part; a list of things I enjoy, things I’m good at, and what I love:

  • Helping others
  • Reading
  • Buddhism
  • Yoga
  • Dancing
  • Being silly and childish
    • (Think swinging on the swing set at a playground and you’ll get the right idea)

I haven’t FULLY figured out what this means for my next year. BUT I’ve taken up Zumba classes on a regular basis and I’m doing Buti Yoga ( a form of Yoga that incorporates tribal dance, letting go of negative energy, and obviously.. yoga ).. I actually signed up to become a 200 hr RYT certified instructor in Buti Yoga, Vinyasa, and Bikram (hot) Yoga. I imagine I’m somewhere on the right track to feeding my soul.

A friend introduced me to this concept of doing a word of the year instead of a resolution so I chose the word “PURPOSE” for 2017. It seems to fit well with all the things I’ve managed to do this year to set myself up for a good next year, as well as all the things I’ve signed up for as we kick off the next year.

I’d love to hear what your word might be!

 

 

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What Are You Willing to Suffer For?

December 4, 2016 Leave a Comment

This question was asked in an interesting book I’m almost done reading and it got me thinking about all my past “efforts” that didn’t quite pan out the way I initially thought they would.

And the simple truth was that they weren’t significant enough to my life for me to suffer for them.

If you think about your past relationships, there were probably ones that you seemingly fought hard for, and others you walked away from. There were probably those that you felt absolutely tortured by but you couldn’t bring yourself to leave. Perhaps it was the quantity of time that you had already put in, or perhaps (like I have often done), you held on to the memories of good times that were long gone.

It’s interesting what we are willing to suffer for. If you think about the torture you probably endured in college, and then maybe in grad school, you’d be shocked to know how many people still stick around at jobs they hate after-the-fact. We suffer through decades of schooling to suffer through even more decades of awful work-life. And somehow, this isn’t considering insanity.

When it comes to our self-care we often neglect ourselves and then complain about the consequences of that neglect. Often, we’re simply stunned and amazed by the people who put hours upon hours of effort into their bodies at the gym – the truth is that they are willing to suffer for it, and we are not.

I’ve coached hundreds of people over the last few years and most have tried several different ‘diet’ programs, but most went back to their old habits. Why? Because they were only willing to suffer for a short time. Lifestyle changes take a prolonged amount of suffering before they become enjoyable and let’s be honest – eating cupcakes is easier and more enjoyable than doing burpees and eating kale.

Not that this is accurate or representative of anything large-scale study in particular but I polled some Facebook friends and some ladies in a group and asked what they did for themselves in the last year that made them the happiest. Most answers were like “finished college” “got a new job” “had a baby” “got certified in ____”. All of these things include suffering. In some way or form. But here’s the thing, it’s often the things we suffer for most that become the highlights of our lives. They become the shining stars and benchmarks against which all future efforts are measured. They often bring us into growth and change our lives in ways we could have hardly imagine when we started.

So next time, when someone asks “what do you want…”.. the real question should be “What are you willing to suffer for?”

Good question to ask while you ponder your New Year’s Resolutions for 2017!

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Complacency is Death

August 13, 2016 Leave a Comment

This morning one of my close friends told me that she can’t open up her store in SoHo this morning because the “Body Acceptance Movement” is protesting outside her business.

Okay, before this becomes a rant on everything that’s wrong with “BAM”, I have to say that I believe that all people should love their bodies at every size. I believe, more specifically, all women should love themselves so much that it doesn’t matter what size they are.

That being said.. BAM.. which is essentially the Fat Acceptance Movement.. angers me like very few other things in this world. The fact that my friend is losing income and her beautiful clothes can’t be sold today because 20 morbidly obese people are SITTING outside her business, is unacceptable.

I make a living helping people. As a Financial Planner, I help them improve their money situations – I have helped people get out of debt, buy homes, grow their assets, send their kids to college, and even retire comfortably. As a Health Coach, I help people improve their health – I have helped diabetics minimize the effects diabetes has on their lives, helped countless people lose weight, helped people with eating disorders to gain weight in healthy ways, and helped people live better lives with Crohns, MS, and a wide variety of other illnesses with terrible symptoms.

All of the people I have helped have had one thing in common: they all want to improve their current situations.

I don’t understand people who get to a place in their life where not only do they give up on themselves, but they’re encouraging everyone to give up on them too.

My weight has fluctuated my whole adult life, I bounce around somewhere between a size 2 and a size 8 based on how I feed my body and whether or not I’m on a health kick. It’s been pretty stable the last 2.5 years since I found a lifestyle that works for me. I have loved myself at a size 2, and I have loved myself at a size 8. But I loved myself enough to get healthy and always try to make it better. If i wake up tired for a few days straight, I must be lacking something, I must not be getting enough Vitamin B in my diet, or I need to get to sleep sooner. SOMETHING. Something has to improve and I need to change something in my life. That’s the thinking process that I go through. When I’m at a size 8, I also get not-so-subtle nudges from my family members that I need to stop eating pasta and start eating kale.

But the Body Acceptance Movement is a different beast. It says that not only should we stop improving ourselves, it suggests that the people in our lives should also stop trying to help us improve. When you stop loving yourself, the ONE thing you should want is for everyone in your life to love you SO much that they don’t let you continue hurting yourself. Obesity is painful. It is painful to live in a world where everyone judges you, judges everything you put in your mouth, judges what you dress, judges how much space you take up. Obesity is MORE painful on the inside. Obesity makes people immobile. Obesity makes it hard to sleep, hard to move, hard to eat, hard to LIVE. If you are Obese, I honestly hope you have people in your life who love you so much that they help you get healthier. If you give up on yourself, that’s the moment you stop loving yourself. And by asking your family and those around you to “accept you” or rather give up on you, you are asking them to stop loving you too.

I believe that loving yourself at every size stems from loving yourself to better health. Size aside, there is clearly nothing healthy about being obese. All studies indicate that despite all possible issues, diseases, and illness – thyroid, diabetes, MS, etc., you can still control what you put in your body and how you treat it and that you can absolutely lose weight. Studies also show that because of obesity, we will literally be the first generation to not outlive our parents. Your “Body Acceptance” may literally kill you.

So this is essentially a plea. Please stop being complacent in your situation. Instead of asking your loved ones to accept you. Ask your loved ones to support you, help you, and love you so much that they force you to make better decisions, and help you improve your health. Ask them to be your accountability partners. Or ask a stranger or a co-worker or anyone you think will actually keep you honest.

I realize this is easier said than done but: Love yourself more than any challenge that presents itself in your life.

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Growth… It Often Looks Like Failure

May 17, 2016 1 Comment

I’ve spent the last two years or so of my life working on growing and developing myself. In particular I really wanted to get good at a few things:

  1. Staying positive no matter what is going on.
  2. Not letting negative people bring me down.
  3. Not negatively reacting or being bothered by other people and what they do/say.
  4. Waking up every day excited for the day.
  5. Going to sleep with a grateful heart.

Of the last two years, I can honestly say that there have very few days where I have accomplished all five things. However, I have steadily gotten better at doing all of them, in on way or another, and I am VERY good at noticing when I am not doing one of those 5 – and stopping to reassess my behavior.

It took me way too many negative nancy moment, way too many tears, way too many arguments with people on Facebook, and way too much frustration to realize I had a problem. I used to constantly argue about politics -and feel like banging my head against a wall when I couldn’t make every single member of my friends list agree with me. I used to argue all day about one thing or another until I realized it was eating up my life and a complete waste of energy. And more importantly – all the negatively, arguing, and frustration was getting me nowhere fast in terms of my life and my goals.

I’ve learned that growth involves a lot of failing forward.

I’ve gotten really good at being focused on my goals regardless of what my day is looking like, what obstacles come about or what random project gets thrown my way that throws off the next 87 days that I had planned down to 30-minute intervals. I’ve gotten good at focusing on what I need to get done, and gaining that “I’m accomplished” feeling. That feeling just feels so damn good #amiright?

At first, my approach to not letting negative people bother me was to simply block them all away. If I can’t see it.. it’s not really there, right? Yes, that’s right. But I’m also not learning how to deal with the negativity in a way that doesn’t affect me. So a few weeks ago I unblocked everyone on my block list and let pandora’s box be what it may. I must add though, that the unfollow button is a true blessing. No one likes a constant complainer… and I no longer need to see them whine about how awful it is that their Barista can’t get their name right ever or how TERRIBLE the MTA is every.single.day.

Now, I rarely argue on Facebook – there are a few special characters that can bring it out of me, but I always notice it and I always try to end things – make peace and move on with my day to being more productive. It used to eat up hours, now it eats up minutes (most of the time).. we’ll just call that growing because this one was particularly hard for me to do.

I finally have a job, work environment and all around life where I am excited for each of my days. I feel like I’m constantly helping people and feel like I’m growing personally and professionally. Both my day job – being a Financial Planner, and my evening personal gig- being a Health Coach, are personally rewarding in a thousand different ways. It’s frikkin’ awesome (and I am eternally grateful every single day)!

I have also gotten in the habit of writing out my gratitudes. I don’t do it everyday, but whether I do it before bed, when I first wake up, or dead center in the middle of a client meeting.. it still gets done… and it brings my entire perspective right back to what’s really important.

So fail forward. Fail forward every day to get closer and closer to whatever your personal goals are… I sure am!

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Happiness is a Moving Target

February 26, 2016 Leave a Comment

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what leads to true bliss and happiness in relationships. What the magical combination of ingredients is that leads to true everlasting love.

Now I realize that many people will say that there is no such thing as everlasting love, but I’m going to adamantly disagree with the sentiment upfront and disclose that I am your typical romantic. I fully believe we can fall head-over-heels in love at first sight and make it last a life time. I believe in high school sweet hearts. I believe in all the mushy gushy lovey dovey movie stuff. Feel free to judge.. because honestly, in the world of Tinder and Thrinder (is that how it’s spelled?) – it just keeps getting harder and harder to believe it. But for now, I’m not a love skeptic.

I think one of the most important things in a relationship is to have an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful for all the wonderful, lovely amazing things that your significant other does for you – and encourage the same in return. Thank you for picking me up from xyz, thank you for being there for me, thank you for listening, etc etc. Yes, all of these seemingly simple things are part of your normal healthy relationship, but expressing gratitude for those things.. just encourages more of them.

Secondly, and more importantly- don’t apologize all the time. Yes, sometimes we make mistakes, but other times the things we say “sorry” for were actually intentional actions. Sorry is a word that quickly loses its value when it’s overused. This goes for all your relationships! I used to be the constant apologizer “Sorry for canceling tonight, something came up” .. no I just want to sit home and not see anyone and I really shouldn’t have to apologize for that.

Part of not apologizing for our possibly awkward but still intentional actions is being ourselves. Every relationship is just a pre-qualification test for marriage (or whatever your long-term commitment variation of marriage might be) and the truth is that if you’re going to potentially spend 60+ years with someone, you might as well know that they can’t handle being social all the time, or that they leave their socks on the floor for 3 days. Don’t fake it until there’s a ring on it… or make excuses for your significant other if they have behaviors you can’t handle.

Be wholly unapologetically yourself!

Lastly, someone said something to me that really clicked home. Happiness is a moving target. What makes you happy when you’re 18 will be different than what makes you happy at 25 and 30 and 45 and so on. You will change. Your significant other will change and in order to stay happy in your relationship, you have to be able to effectively communicate those internal changes. And you have to accept whatever internal changes your significant other will go through during your lives together.. there will be many and you have to be prepared to deal with every single one of them. Or be subjected to a lifetime of arguing which is well.. miserable. I have many things to say to those people that think consistent arguing is a ‘normal’ part of a relationship.

The largest part of ALL of this is being happy with yourself and accepting all the internal changes that come your way. Spread the love people! Even Facebook has started encouraging it!

 

XOXO

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The “thing” About Losing Weight

May 13, 2014 Leave a Comment

So I’ve never been very heavily overweight, but at the same time I’ve never been happy looking into the mirror. I’ve spent my whole life being “average” and I think my body image translated into other elements of my life. I’ve been ‘average’ at everything – work, school, relationships, Never bad but never great either. Well WHO THE HECK WANTS TO BE AVERAGE? On top of that I had constant migraines – like 3 or 4 times a week, digestion issues – I spent nearly 2 years not eating meat. and just felt all around heavy. That is until my dear friend Laura introduced me to a wonderful Superfood Nutritional Cleansing Program. First off, she’s a nurse and just completed her master’s in nursing… she’s absolutely incredible and I know she wouldn’t just recommend anything to me. Needless to say, it changed my life. I no longer have headaches or digestion issues and I finally feel like I think I should have been feeling my entire life. I now wholeheartedly believe everyone has to ability to be truly happy with themselves and I hope one day that everyone can feel as amazing as I feel.

I smile every time I walk by any reflective surface, it’s like an obsession with my own success. I had to buy new pants today!! Do you know how much more fun it is to shop for a size 2 than a size 6?!!!

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I had to share this story with you because I hope one day, when an opportunity knocks on your door for you to change your life for the better, that you take it and make the most of it that you possibly can.

 

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Competition

September 12, 2013 1 Comment

The desire to be the best is innate in all humans. We all want to be better, faster, stronger and smarter than everyone else. If you don’t, well.. you’re lying to yourself. It’s important that we get that job – above all other applicants. We want to marry the prettiest or smartest or wealthiest people. We all want to be better.

This is healthy. In fact, it’s the norm. Between friends and lovers alike… a little competition does everyone some good! Unless you’re crazy competitive.. like me.

I have been using a fitbit pedometer for well over a year now and I love it. I function around it. It’s absolutely amazing for control freaks like myself. I track my sleep, exercise, and food daily… and I get to see how they all interact. Days where I get more sleep, I’m less hungry. Days where I eat less carb-heavy food, I walk more… so on and so forth. It’s amazing. I know everything I could possibly want to know about my body that you can track as a metric. AWESOME!

Except that recently, my boyfriend got a fitbit. Why wouldn’t he? He’s also a control freak (Perhaps it’s why he understands me so well and doesn’t want to deck me in the face on a regular basis)! However, now that he has one.. I friended him on fitbit.com and I can see how many more (or less) steps he walks than I do. And I’ve gone bonkers on beating him. Everyday I sync up my fitbit to see how far I’ve walked, and all the rest of the information and the first thing my eyes go to is how much he’s walked. I do a little happy dance in my head if he’s walked less than me. This is what I mean by crazy competitive. If he’s anywhere close to where I am for the week, I make a mental note and take my dog on like a 3 mile walk or so to MAKE SURE he has no shot in hell of beating me. MUST. BE. BETTER.

This is of course a really great thing for my health. I’m walking more and have even lost a bit of weight. There must be an upside to being such a nut job right?

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Broken Dreams

December 19, 2012 1 Comment

Since I was about 8 years old, all I ever wanted was a dog. I wanted a fluffy best friend to cuddle with. My parents/grandparents never allowed it & I had hamsters instead. Because you know – furry mouse… fluffy dog… similar enough?

Either way, I finally got a dog when I was 13 years old. December 5, 2003 we went in a huge snowstorm to pennsylvania to pick him up from Dana’s Cockers – http://www.danascockers.com – He had an issue he was born with – a stomach hernia – and was the last dog left. We basically raced there but it took over 5 hours & my parents were basically ready to agree to take any animal home, maybe even a bear.

We took home our one and only Hershey – also nick-named Tuz (Russian for Ace). He brightened up our home and filled it with love for so many years. Most honestly, our house is just a house but not a home without him in it. He was the most life-loving creature that I have ever encountered. He would run around chasing a small hand-ball all over the house no matter where he was. If you were eating – his face was in your plate and he would beg non-stop for food. He was also the smartest dog in the whole world. He understood everything, knew where his food was, knew what our schedule was – knew and understood everything. His favorite bones in the world were bully springs. He would chew them for hours and they were the best way to calm him down. He had a stuffed rabbit that he loved to hump – especially when we had guests over. He slept with us, woke up with us, and our lives were completely scheduled around him in every way. He was so loved, so cared for & honestly not a dog to us – he was a family member.

Unfortunately – on October 27th we got the bitter news that Hershey has cancerous tumors in his liver. We later took him to an oncologist to find out exactly what it was – carcinoma in the liver, spleen & lymph nodes. We took him for holistic treatment as traditional medicine was not an option.

You may have noticed that all this is in the past tense. That is because yesterday at 6:12 pm, Hershey crossed over the rainbow bridge. He went peacefully & in my arms. He passed exactly 5 minutes after I got home. We took him to our local vet and he will be cremated & returned to our home so he can forever be with us in the physical sense – he will definitely forever be with us in our hearts.

 

My one and only. My everything. The absolute love of my life . Rest in Peace.

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Boss Nature

October 9, 2012 Leave a Comment

First, I must credit the title of this post & the motivation for it to two awesome friends, M.T. and I.M. (yes, I decided to use initials starting now). We just came back from an incredible trip to New Hampshire – also made stops in Massachusetts and in Maine. Overall, my impression of New England as a whole has greatly improved and I’m officially in love with nature, the earth, hiking, and overall body movement.

Despite an insane lack of [comfortable] sleep, I felt like I came alive being in the forest. Climbing sure left me short of breath because I’m an American. As much as I hate to admit this, I have totally absorbed the American way of life into my daily routine. After this weekend, I want nothing more than to be rid of it. As I sit here and write this post, I am absolutely missing the feeling of my limbs moving. We have evolved into an increasingly sedentary society. We sit for work, we sit on our way to and from work, whether we’re driving, flying or taking the train we are constantly sitting. We get home from work and sit in front of the television; we sit down at a dining table for dinner, then we do some more sitting before we go to bed.

The sedentary society that has come to be in clashes drastically with human physiology. We went from moving all the time too hardly moving and our bodies aren’t adapting well. For tens of thousands of years humans were nomadic, constantly walking from settlement to settlement. Fast-forward to the present and it has only been about 50-100 years that so many of us sit all day long. Even in just the past 20 years, because of the predominance of computers in daily life, sitting is a “new” phenomenon for the body.

I have often categorized myself as a pretty active person, because in comparison to many people, I am.. I bike ride as often as possible, sometimes going for 20 or more miles. I walk at least 5 miles every single day of my life, I do yoga, and I genuinely enjoy things like Zumba, Insanity, hoop dancing, etc. My workout DVD collection allows for a lot of variation and keeping things interesting… I do cardio and weights and everything else you can come up with. Taking walks or doing any physical activity with close friends around the city always gives me at least a small ego boost because I never lose stamina (sorry ladies, just the truth), and am never tired as quickly as some of my girlfriends tend to get.

Frankly, that’s all bullshit. Being out in nature and feeling my body do what it’s meant to do was incredible and rejuvenating and exhausting all at once. I don’t remember the last time I felt so.. free. I feel like I should be hiking every single day. Like every part of my body was woken up. It was exhilarating. Although I’m sore as all hell today… I am thoroughly enjoying every minute of feeling my muscles burn – it means they worked, and furthermore, it means I worked.

We as humans are constantly finding ways to make things simpler, faster, easier.. we’re all about doing the least amount of work. Examples are everywhere: The hostel where we stayed had real garlic and a jar of crushed garlic – guess which one I used for cooking? Obviously I took the easy way out, as so many other people would have. I’ve been trying to transition to a whole foods – plant based diet and the first question I always get from people about it is: was it hard to stop eating meat? Of course it’s hard, why would you want it to be easy? What’s the reward in that? I consciously decide to put healthier foods into my body every day. Is it easier to walk to McDonald’s and order things based on NUMBER? Sure it is. Is it making me feel good about myself, my body or my life? No, it’s not.

My point in all this story telling is that you should get out there. You should discover something new. Every day should be different and challenging and exciting. Make your body work because Humans were made to move. Stop taking short cuts because life is only worth it if you work hard for everything you achieve. The world is beautiful.

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Just Have Sex

September 19, 2012 2 Comments

I’m not sure if anyone else notices this but when you’re not in a relationship the things that other people do in their relationships seem so ridiculous. This may also be true while you’re in one. Perhaps I’ve just been in tune with this since I need material to write about.

The Flip Outs

We’ve all been there. You have that significant other that flips out ALL the time. Accusations everywhere!! I have to ask. What’s the point? What are you hoping to get out of acting like a complete psycho? Do you think accusing your significant other of cheating will make them less likely to cheat? It’s simple. If he’s cheating on you, you’re going to end up finding out sooner or later anyway so you might as well control your stress levels and just chill out. If he’s not cheating on you and you’re accusing a wonderful guy of cheating on you while he’s being loyal then you’re just pushing him away and messing up your relationship for no good reason.

The Stay-At-Homes

Why do people drop their lives, their friendships, and their personalities once they get into a relationship? Your man has to work late and you’re calling me up complaining that now you’re stuck sitting at home. I invite you to go have dinner and you say no. Excuse me what? Did you just forget how to be a person? I don’t understand how you give up your entire life and who you are just because someone stamps Girlfriend on your forehead. You know what’s going to happen when you guys break up? You’re going to be all alone and have no friends… and the only person you have to blame is yourself.

The Future Builders

So you just went on your third date with this guy and you’re imagining what your babies are going to look like. You know there’s a word for people like you. It’s fucking CREEPY. This guy is probably on his 4th date with someone else and just picked up a girl at a bar right after he dropped you home. Calm down. It’s a third date not a proposal. You don’t even know if this guy is really into you yet or he’s trying to figure out how many dinners it’s going to take until your panties drop. Also, if you find a guy who is the one doing this, it’s not cute, it’s sad and pathetic and chances are he doesn’t have much going for him personality/looks wise and you need to re-evaluate your decision to date him.

The Compulsive Liars

The people who lie about everything all the time to see how many lies they can get away with before they get caught by their significant others. Then they cry like little babies and are like “OMG I’m so stupid, why didn’t I just tell him I bought red socks instead of blue ones”. Yea, you are stupid, and he’s even more stupid for staying with you.

The Fuck Ups

I mean generally, in life. The people who do ridiculous things like quit their jobs or drop out of school while in a relationship. Then they complain they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Then they complain that their significant other is complaining that they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

The Doing-Too-Much Problem

I know a bunch of girls that constantly complain that their boyfriends are too busy studying and working to make time to see them every day. Really? This makes me want to vomit. I understand if your boyfriend has like 5 jobs for no good reason and is basically avoiding seeing you but if your man is out there making himself a better person and still making time to see you at least once a week, especially if he treats you well, then suck it up. It’s part of “being a supportive girlfriend”. Learn to do it because it will pay off big time once he rises to the top.

The Not-Doing-Enough Problem

You both get so lazy that you stop going anywhere. Even the boring double dates start being few and far between. You’ve probably almost merged into one person because all you do is lay around and do nothing together. It’s disgusting. Go find yourself a life and learn to spend time apart.

The Ones Who Stop Giving A Shit About Their Bodies

This is probably my favorite, because it happens so simultaneously in relationships. Every time you see the couple they have each gained about 15 pounds. 2 years together and there’s a sesame chicken & fried rice deficit in NYC and they both weigh 350 pounds. It’s not cute. No one else will ever love you if you keep doing this to yourself. The key to loving someone else is to love yourself first. I couldn’t love myself in size 16 pants. Sorry. If people on the train genuinely offer you their seats because they think you’re pregnant then it’s time to visit the produce section more often.

The Non-Communicators

…with each other anyway. They have no problems communicating with EVERYONE else around them. These are the girls that think there’s something wrong so they call up 19 of their closest girlfriends and discuss it in detail, piecing together every word he’s said over the last 15 weeks as if he were God dictating the damn Bible over again. Men, on the other hand, will just drink themselves retarded with their guy friends over a game of football (which women will take to mean that the guy no longer loves them and avoids spending time with them). Just go and learn to talk to your significant other. seriously.

The Sex Problems

Why is the one person you don’t discuss sex with, and all the things you might want to try, your significant other? Then you end up having vanilla sex for 3 years. Go pick up 50 Shades of Grey and have a discussion over who’s bringing in the toys and make things come alive. This helps to fix other things. Perhaps your man would be more willing to communicate with you if you were open to trying it with your left leg behind your head?

The Money Problems

You know those people that are like, “I bought him a gift for $300, but the gift he bought me was only $200, WTF?!” That’s not okay. Stop being such a materialistic douche. Who counts money in relationships anyway? We’re all young and basically broke. Worse is if you offer to pick something up for your boyfriend, like his dry-cleaning, and then complain that he didn’t pay you back for it. Really? Are we doing that now? He’s your significant other, and it was like $8. Calm down, he probably spent 90 times that amount before you gave him the “privilege” of calling you his girlfriend.

The FBI Agents

Another favorite. I love the girls that get all the passwords and constantly check the guys’ phones. And then proceed to ask them questions about who every single person is in their contacts and if they’ve ever slept with them. And then if so, how many times and how long ago was it and “omg you slept with her only 4 years ago- delete her now!” How is this helping your relationship? If you have trust problems you need to seek counseling and stop subjecting your boyfriend to your personal problems. OMG did you just find out that he’s friends with his ex on facebook? Are you now stalking his entire life? You’re sad. Just Stop.

The Actual Stalkers

These are the people who actually follow their significant others around and call them while they’re looking at them to make sure they aren’t lying.

Ancient meme:

Girl: Where are you?

Boy: In bed, thinking of you, and you?

Girl: Right behind you at the club.

See, this kind of stuff actually happens though. And as mentioned earlier… the guy who wants to lie and cheat is going to lie and cheat no matter how psycho you act so just stop!

The Drama Queens

We’ve all been with that person that just seriously enjoys arguing and fighting. It’s like a way for them to spice up the relationship or something when they’re bored. “OMG you’re wearing a purple shirt today! That was your exes favorite color, you must be cheating on me!!!”. I’ve heard people also tend to take things more seriously as time goes on. I have a friend who fought with her boyfriend over yogurt at one point. Hey! Don’t laugh.. Yogurt is important.

 

In conclusion I would just like to say: Fuck relationships, just have sex.

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