Overanalyzing: The Killer of Happiness

November 5, 2015 Leave a Comment

If you’re anything like me, you’re prone to over thinking every single action, text, phone call, or the lack of any of the aforementioned items. I have suffered an unmentionable amount of anxiety and unhappiness because of my ability to find something to overanalyze in every single situation in life, relationships, friendships, and everything in-between. And then I stopped and started to just live.

I used to sit there and ponder over every single little thing. What does this mean? But what if it means this instead? What if this text wasn’t meant to go to me? What if it’s a lie? What if he’s actually with his ex-girlfriend right now and not “stuck in traffic”? Sound familiar? Oh, okay.. so I’m not the only insecure girl that ever lived.

The truth that I’ve come to realize is that the habit to overanalyze every situation is really a form of insecurity. A pretty damaging form. If you live in a place where you doubt every single person’s intentions, actions, and words then you aren’t really living in the real world. You’re living in a bubble where every one is out to lie to you or manipulate you in some way, shape, or form. That’s not the right way to approach living, it’s the way we approach it when we live in fear of the unknown instead of accepting what is.

I also realized that when I do or say things, I want people to take me at face value and not try to read and analyze more into it…. so why shouldn’t I give people that same courtesy?

Fear, insecurity, overanalyzing – they all come from past experiences that may have hurt us. We’ve all been there. The problems come in when we try to project our past hurts onto our present and our future. Living in fear, in pain, in hurt is wasting the little time we have on Earth to be happy, to experience, and to smile.

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Ignore Your Friends… and those Crazy Voices in Your Head

October 27, 2015 Leave a Comment

Okay, I’m officially drawing a line.

There is a very big line between what actually exists in reality, the voices in our heads & the red flags we seem to attribute to various occurrences in our relationships.

I can’t tell you how many times my friends have come to me asking if something is a red flag. My answer is always “it depends”. I’m not really sure how I can answer that for someone because I’m not involved in the day-to-day happenings, emotions and exchanges that occur between the couple. Primarily, I have no idea what kind of foundation someone has built in their relationship and perhaps a significant other speaking with an ex would be  major problem for some – where the foundation is less than solid and built up on some ply wood, while others have built a strong foundation and even lacquered the floors!

It’s amazing how many problems can be caused by well-intentioned friends offering well-intentioned advice. But the truth is that they can’t possibly know what they’re offering advice on. They aren’t you. You can’t take someone else’s problems, issues, and experiences and apply them universally across all situations. Life doesn’t work that way and most of the time the best way to work out issues or doubts that come up in a relationship is to just discuss them with your significant other.

No one else can know your relationship, how strong it is, how many insecurities you’ve formed because of it, and possibly how crazy it makes you every single day that you’re in it. Maybe it doesn’t make you crazy at all. Maybe your significant other has done absolutely nothing to make you not trust them but you’re projecting insecurities from the past onto your current relationship. If this is you. Stop. Like right now. And go apologize to your significant other for projecting your personal problems onto them.

We all have junk in our past to look back on… some more than others but generally speaking, if we wanted to bring in past problems into new relationships, we could all do a good job of scaring people away quite quickly. But that’s not what new relationships are for. It’s not about your past. It’s about trying to build a new future.. possibly together. Why would you want to take away from that by involving your past? Might as well invite your ex to next sleepover party you have. Sound crazy, doesn’t it? Well that’s what you’re doing if you’re bringing issues from the past into your new relationship.

The only thing you should be concerned about is finding new ways to amaze, excite and love your significant other every change you get.

P.S. You get bonus points if you can find all the apartment hunting related analogies in this post.

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Look For a Partner

October 12, 2015 Leave a Comment

One of the most important things in a relationship is to always be on each other’s team.

This may seem obvious to some people but to others, the ones who always feel like they’re fighting a losing battle, to the ones that are in strained relationships, the ones who are ready to give up.. don’t. Just remember these very simple words:

You Are On The Same Side

It’s an incredibly easy concept to think about but an incredibly difficult one to put into practice. Especially once someone hurts us or we feel emotionally injured by them. We like to go searching for our pride instead of realizing that as teammates, you have to figure out what your points of tension are and work through them.. TOGETHER.

What makes a partner different than a soulmate or a lover? A partner is: A companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants. But that doesn’t happen instantly. It happens over time, through many open and honest and non-prideful conversations. It happens through happiness and joy and pain and a lot of love. And a lot of work.

Oftentimes we end up in these roller coaster ride relationships, the ones that eat away at our soul, and leave our hearts shattered. I’ve come to believe that those are absolutely necessary for our growth. I think you have to experience unbelievable heart-wrenching pain in order to properly experience unbelievably and wonderful blissful love. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself after all I’ve been through. Because none of the past seems to matter once you’re in that blissful state. Once you’ve found the right hand to hold, the right person to lean on and learn from, and the kind of love you always imagined but weren’t quite sure you’d ever find.

Wherever you go chasing for love; look for a hand to hold.. not a heart to grasp onto.

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Happiness is…

December 16, 2014 1 Comment

I spend a lot of time thinking about happiness. Mostly because life is pretty damn short and if you aren’t enjoying yourself with whatever it is you’re doing then what’s the point?

Happiness is so many things. You can define it as the little things that make you happy on a daily/ongoing basis or the big picture things that make you chase your dreams. You can define it with the positive emotions you feel towards people or situations. However one choose to define it, it’s a display of who you are on an authentic and deep level. So, in an effort to be more vulnerable in general as a person… here are my ways of defining it:

Happiness is doggy cuddles.

Happiness is waking up with someone’s arms wrapped around you.

Happiness is incredibly delicious food.

Happiness is cooking & watching someone enjoy the food I make.

Happiness is anything related to Friends, the TV show.

Happiness is shoulder kisses.

Happiness is a walk when it’s the absolute perfect temperature outside.

Happiness is skiing.

Happiness is gratitude from a client after you’ve put a lot of work into helping them.

Happiness is being in the same room as family, friends & loved ones.

Happiness is crawling into a warm comfortable bed at night.

Happiness is the smell of fresh pine.

I welcome all of you to share what makes you extra happy!

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A Brand New World….

September 2, 2014 Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about those times when you re-enter the dating world. I feel like there’s now a series of steps involved that everyone dreads and tries to avoid as much as possible but it’s inevitable – so I say.. RIP THE BAND- AID OFF!

1) You have to do the facebook relationship status change. Oh this is dramatic. You get all the “OH MY GOSH! What happened?!” messages. And then, if you’re a girl, they slowly transition to creepy guys adding you and trying to message you. So.not.cool. But eventually it all cools down & you begin to figure out how to split up the mutual friend circle that you built with your ex which can be a dramatic process unless you have the greatest friends in the world! LIKE ME! (this is a shameless shout out to my amazing friends <3)

2) You have to start putting yourself out there. Now, if you’ve been following my posts then you know that I entertain the world of online dating. This time around, I actually went for the paid sites in an effort to find something more serious- such as http://www.match.com – which is actually quite effective. If you’re serious about finding a partner, I would recommend staying away from the free dating sites – the tinder, okcupid, plenty of fish sites of the world. These sites are geared more for hook-ups and personally, I think I’m just too old for it or maybe Brooklyn has broken me and I’m over the hook-up scene. #maturity.

3) Being with someone else. This has always been the hardest part for me of breaking up. You also have to step out of your comfort zone. You’re used to being with and interacting with a certain person. You’re used to their mannerisms and you’ve learned to pick up on certain cues they give you. You can tell when they’re sad, happy, in need of a hug or in need of being left alone. Now you have to learn all these things about whoever you’ll be seeing next, and chances are (unless you get really lucky) you’ll have to date several people before you find someone where everything just clicks. This brings me to my next point….

4) Don’t ever settle. No matter how long it takes you to find someone, keep going until you find someone where you “click”. I don’t think there’s a time frame on it and I don’t think you need to date 40 people to find the right one, or at least the right one right now. Whether it’s the first, second or thirty-fifth person you date, you should be EXCITED to see them, or hear from them. They should give you that feeling in your belly when you get a message or a phone call from them… and that feeling should never go away. I think the number one killer to a relationship is when you stop dating and stop flirting. You slowly begin to lose interest because the excitement starts going away. I believe in butterflies. I believe you should be so enthralled with the person you’re seeing that you never play games. You should want to see them as much as possible. You should look into their eyes and see nothing but bliss and joy and happiness. You should feel safe in their arms. This to me, is how you know you found someone worth keeping.

I don’t believe in being with someone because you’re used to them or because you rely on them or because you’re too co-dependent to be on your own. I can safely say that I’ve never felt like I’ve needed any man. Somehow this is offensive to some men but maybe I just look at it different. You’re in my life because I WANT you in it. “Needing”, to me, seems like a pathetic choke-hold on a situation. You should never NEED another person because we’re all mortal. Your significant other can get taken away from this planet at any given moment in time so you should always be surrounded in your life by those you WANT in your life who WANT you in theirs.

I think each relationship that ends is a building block and path way to finding what you truly want. Each relationship carries a lesson. I think the next person I choose to call mine will be absolutely incredible and will make me have a smile plastered from ear to ear on my face. I guess I’m just chasing happiness, and I know myself better now so I’m happy with me and that’s always the first step.

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Keep it Simple

April 21, 2013 Leave a Comment

I saw one of those quote image things earlier today that got me thinking about life, friendships, relationships, etc. Clearly an effective image that someone managed to create unlike 99% of the other crap I see on instagram/facebook.

Basically it recommended keeping things simple. If you want to see someone – call them, want something – ask for it, like something – state it… get the picture? In lame terms, it’s not that complicated to live a happy life, just stop over thinking everything & think simply.. especially because you only have one life.

This got me thinking about my friends – who are, ironically, anything but simple. And i thought how many situations this focus on simplicity can solve. I have a friend who’s too afraid to ask another friend out… you want something – just ask. I have another friend who doesn’t know how to tell her boyfriend that she’s annoyed he rarely ever pays for her… don’t like something – tell him. Another friend of mine makes it a point to never be the first to text or call a guy regardless if she wants to hear from them or see them, she just waits for them to call….want to see someone – call them. I, personally, have been significantly busier this year than I have in many other prior years, and I try to balance everything but it’s hard and there are only so many hours in a day. Most of my friends have been nothing short of amazing, supportive and really just plain understanding of everything I have up in the air. But, understandably, I have other friends that complain that they never see me… Ironically these are also the same friends who never call or text me and try to see me. It’s simple – you want to see me, call me.

I feel like a lot of people are constantly over thinking, trying to strategize, trying to figure people out – whatever the case may be. But in reality things can be so much simpler. Why compete with someone on who makes plans more often or who calls more often or who pays for dinner more often … stop analyzing and just live. Do whatever the hell makes you personally happy, and whatever you do.. do it well.

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Everyone Has A Breaking Point

November 18, 2012 Leave a Comment

I used to be a different person. Somewhat. I used to have hate in my heart. I was competitive, I was aggressive, I was mean. There was a point in my life where self gratification – of the immediate variety – was all I cared about.

Then I woke up.

I realized that every single person affects your life – one way or another – every single interaction has contributed to the character you have and the person you are. More so, you affect other people, the mistakes you make in your own life will in one way or another come back to you and to the people you care about. Maybe not immediately, but in the long run – consequences for your actions are abundant in their strength and their variety.

There are people I know who haven’t woken up.

These people continue to (seemingly) think that the mistakes they make are forever forgivable. That no matter how many times they mess up, the people around them will continue to forgive. I’ve said this to some people in the my life before – everyone has a breaking point. It just takes one time, one thing – maybe it’s small, maybe it’s life changing. But there will be one thing that will be irreversible and unforgivable.

Now, I say this having forgiven people for the most ridiculous things, for evil things, for (as my friend M.T. would say) non-human things. Mostly because I still naively believe that everyone is good. That even in the most evil of people – the people that have done deliberately hurtful things – there is a good side. There is a good heart screaming out to be discovered.

However, my naiveness (yes, that’s now a word) ends with forgiveness. It doesn’t extend to forgetting. It doesn’t extend to continued tolerance of disgusting behavior. Because forgetting it would be the same as encouraging it. I appreciate all the people that have forgiven me for the things I’ve done wrong, but MORE SO I am grateful that it was never encouraged.

I will end this post on a positive note – your life’s work should be to have a good and warm heart. You should do and say good things to good people and be surrounded by goodness. It makes it easier to be happy and at the end of the day, what’s a life without happiness?

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