Look For a Partner

October 12, 2015 Leave a Comment

One of the most important things in a relationship is to always be on each other’s team.

This may seem obvious to some people but to others, the ones who always feel like they’re fighting a losing battle, to the ones that are in strained relationships, the ones who are ready to give up.. don’t. Just remember these very simple words:

You Are On The Same Side

It’s an incredibly easy concept to think about but an incredibly difficult one to put into practice. Especially once someone hurts us or we feel emotionally injured by them. We like to go searching for our pride instead of realizing that as teammates, you have to figure out what your points of tension are and work through them.. TOGETHER.

What makes a partner different than a soulmate or a lover? A partner is: A companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants. But that doesn’t happen instantly. It happens over time, through many open and honest and non-prideful conversations. It happens through happiness and joy and pain and a lot of love. And a lot of work.

Oftentimes we end up in these roller coaster ride relationships, the ones that eat away at our soul, and leave our hearts shattered. I’ve come to believe that those are absolutely necessary for our growth. I think you have to experience unbelievable heart-wrenching pain in order to properly experience unbelievably and wonderful blissful love. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself after all I’ve been through. Because none of the past seems to matter once you’re in that blissful state. Once you’ve found the right hand to hold, the right person to lean on and learn from, and the kind of love you always imagined but weren’t quite sure you’d ever find.

Wherever you go chasing for love; look for a hand to hold.. not a heart to grasp onto.

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It’s All About the Butterflies

September 21, 2015 Leave a Comment

I’ve been handing out relationship advice for a long time now and recently someone asked me what in the world qualified me to do so. My answer was simple (and brilliant): I’m quite good at learning from my mistakes. But then I really got to think about it and the answer is actually the opposite. I’m really good at learning from my successes.

Instead of focusing on all the things that went wrong in previous relationships and all the things I could learn, all the mistakes I made and etc., I do the exact opposite. I focus on all the good stuff. I focus on the times I smiled the most and the little things that made me the happiest in the past. I think about all the things I’ve done that worked in favor of the relationship and things that made it stronger/better/happier.

You see, I’m not counting successful relationships as those that lasted the longest. Sometimes, the relationships in which you made the most mistakes, the ones that were gut-wrenching and painful were the longest. Probably not a good example of things you want going forward. You probably want to think about when you were the most excited to wake up each day. So even if that relationship lasted a month.. why not learn from it?

One of the most important things I learned is that both parties have to contribute to keeping the “butterflies” in the relationship. Little surprises, sweet gifts, delicious home-cooked meals, naked greetings at the door (you know.. for some) or whatever else will make the other person turn their head… and smile.

I don’t often get personal and specific… okay that’s a lie… I try to be coy but I fail epically. But here goes:

Before I first met my current boyfriend we spoke for like 2 weeks.. on the phone, via text, and lots of selfies were exchanged too. I was SO nervous to meet him. I must have sent pics of my outfit that day to like 8 of my friends to make sure it said “I’m cool and awesome and I woke up likes this!” I was literally shaking when he picked me up and I got in his car. We only had a few hours together that day before I had to catch a flight so I knew it had to go well. Afterwords, I was still shaking. I was so excited that I had met this person and spent a couple hours with him. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Flash forward to over a year later: Before every single weekend I spend with my boyfriend, I feel those exact same butterflies. I get excited to see him, to spend time with him. Every time he kisses me, I get excited, I plan an entire weekend worth of outfits because I never know what we’re going to do and I always want him to be impressed by how I look… even in my leggings and tees… because I work on my butt on the regular. On Monday morning when I’m sitting at the office all I think about is how awesome the weekend was, how many smiles were exchanged and what new and exciting things I can come up with for the next weekend.

But here’s the key… I want HIM to be impressed. All of everything I do and plan and focus on is about trying to surprise him and make him smile. It’s not about me. It’s about us and our relationship and making it better for both of us. Because honestly, what’s better than your man smiling at you?

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Happiness is…

December 16, 2014 1 Comment

I spend a lot of time thinking about happiness. Mostly because life is pretty damn short and if you aren’t enjoying yourself with whatever it is you’re doing then what’s the point?

Happiness is so many things. You can define it as the little things that make you happy on a daily/ongoing basis or the big picture things that make you chase your dreams. You can define it with the positive emotions you feel towards people or situations. However one choose to define it, it’s a display of who you are on an authentic and deep level. So, in an effort to be more vulnerable in general as a person… here are my ways of defining it:

Happiness is doggy cuddles.

Happiness is waking up with someone’s arms wrapped around you.

Happiness is incredibly delicious food.

Happiness is cooking & watching someone enjoy the food I make.

Happiness is anything related to Friends, the TV show.

Happiness is shoulder kisses.

Happiness is a walk when it’s the absolute perfect temperature outside.

Happiness is skiing.

Happiness is gratitude from a client after you’ve put a lot of work into helping them.

Happiness is being in the same room as family, friends & loved ones.

Happiness is crawling into a warm comfortable bed at night.

Happiness is the smell of fresh pine.

I welcome all of you to share what makes you extra happy!

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A Brand New World….

September 2, 2014 Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about those times when you re-enter the dating world. I feel like there’s now a series of steps involved that everyone dreads and tries to avoid as much as possible but it’s inevitable – so I say.. RIP THE BAND- AID OFF!

1) You have to do the facebook relationship status change. Oh this is dramatic. You get all the “OH MY GOSH! What happened?!” messages. And then, if you’re a girl, they slowly transition to creepy guys adding you and trying to message you. So.not.cool. But eventually it all cools down & you begin to figure out how to split up the mutual friend circle that you built with your ex which can be a dramatic process unless you have the greatest friends in the world! LIKE ME! (this is a shameless shout out to my amazing friends <3)

2) You have to start putting yourself out there. Now, if you’ve been following my posts then you know that I entertain the world of online dating. This time around, I actually went for the paid sites in an effort to find something more serious- such as http://www.match.com – which is actually quite effective. If you’re serious about finding a partner, I would recommend staying away from the free dating sites – the tinder, okcupid, plenty of fish sites of the world. These sites are geared more for hook-ups and personally, I think I’m just too old for it or maybe Brooklyn has broken me and I’m over the hook-up scene. #maturity.

3) Being with someone else. This has always been the hardest part for me of breaking up. You also have to step out of your comfort zone. You’re used to being with and interacting with a certain person. You’re used to their mannerisms and you’ve learned to pick up on certain cues they give you. You can tell when they’re sad, happy, in need of a hug or in need of being left alone. Now you have to learn all these things about whoever you’ll be seeing next, and chances are (unless you get really lucky) you’ll have to date several people before you find someone where everything just clicks. This brings me to my next point….

4) Don’t ever settle. No matter how long it takes you to find someone, keep going until you find someone where you “click”. I don’t think there’s a time frame on it and I don’t think you need to date 40 people to find the right one, or at least the right one right now. Whether it’s the first, second or thirty-fifth person you date, you should be EXCITED to see them, or hear from them. They should give you that feeling in your belly when you get a message or a phone call from them… and that feeling should never go away. I think the number one killer to a relationship is when you stop dating and stop flirting. You slowly begin to lose interest because the excitement starts going away. I believe in butterflies. I believe you should be so enthralled with the person you’re seeing that you never play games. You should want to see them as much as possible. You should look into their eyes and see nothing but bliss and joy and happiness. You should feel safe in their arms. This to me, is how you know you found someone worth keeping.

I don’t believe in being with someone because you’re used to them or because you rely on them or because you’re too co-dependent to be on your own. I can safely say that I’ve never felt like I’ve needed any man. Somehow this is offensive to some men but maybe I just look at it different. You’re in my life because I WANT you in it. “Needing”, to me, seems like a pathetic choke-hold on a situation. You should never NEED another person because we’re all mortal. Your significant other can get taken away from this planet at any given moment in time so you should always be surrounded in your life by those you WANT in your life who WANT you in theirs.

I think each relationship that ends is a building block and path way to finding what you truly want. Each relationship carries a lesson. I think the next person I choose to call mine will be absolutely incredible and will make me have a smile plastered from ear to ear on my face. I guess I’m just chasing happiness, and I know myself better now so I’m happy with me and that’s always the first step.

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Keep it Simple

April 21, 2013 Leave a Comment

I saw one of those quote image things earlier today that got me thinking about life, friendships, relationships, etc. Clearly an effective image that someone managed to create unlike 99% of the other crap I see on instagram/facebook.

Basically it recommended keeping things simple. If you want to see someone – call them, want something – ask for it, like something – state it… get the picture? In lame terms, it’s not that complicated to live a happy life, just stop over thinking everything & think simply.. especially because you only have one life.

This got me thinking about my friends – who are, ironically, anything but simple. And i thought how many situations this focus on simplicity can solve. I have a friend who’s too afraid to ask another friend out… you want something – just ask. I have another friend who doesn’t know how to tell her boyfriend that she’s annoyed he rarely ever pays for her… don’t like something – tell him. Another friend of mine makes it a point to never be the first to text or call a guy regardless if she wants to hear from them or see them, she just waits for them to call….want to see someone – call them. I, personally, have been significantly busier this year than I have in many other prior years, and I try to balance everything but it’s hard and there are only so many hours in a day. Most of my friends have been nothing short of amazing, supportive and really just plain understanding of everything I have up in the air. But, understandably, I have other friends that complain that they never see me… Ironically these are also the same friends who never call or text me and try to see me. It’s simple – you want to see me, call me.

I feel like a lot of people are constantly over thinking, trying to strategize, trying to figure people out – whatever the case may be. But in reality things can be so much simpler. Why compete with someone on who makes plans more often or who calls more often or who pays for dinner more often … stop analyzing and just live. Do whatever the hell makes you personally happy, and whatever you do.. do it well.

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Co- Everything

February 9, 2013 Leave a Comment

Ever look around lately and notice how dependent people are?

I don’t just mean the loser dweebs who are living in their Mom’s basement at the age of 38. I mean everyone in every single way is seemingly dependent on someone for something. I’ll just discuss a few that have been tingling my senses recently.

This applies very obviously to couples. They’re the couples that order for each other, agree on everything, and basically blend two separate brains into a (not so bright) one. The ones who can’t possibly imagine being away from their significant other for longer than a few days. What did you do before this person? And more so, what are you planning to do after? If you are relying on your girlfriend to choose your wardrobe – are you going to stop buying clothes when you guys break up? Also, when did this become “okay” to do? The worst part of this is meshing lives (and obviously .. de-meshing them). If your boyfriend is your only friend and you forget that you have a life outside of his existence and you drop all of your girlfriends to focus on this wonderful relationship – what happens if you break up? Are you just hoping your friends are good enough people to be like “well you dropped me like a cheap hooker for the last 2 years- but SURE welcome back into my life!” I wouldn’t count on it.

Another type of dependance is the one where you have those people that value the opinions of their friends so highly that they run to them on EVERY single issue. Especially the ones who are IN relationships and take the advice of their SINGLE friends. Now, I’m not saying that people don’t have knowledge and experience to share. But some instances can’t have objective opinions. If your boyfriend is behaving a certain way, there’s a context and story to it, and unless your friends are actually INVOLVED in your relationship… which I hope they aren’t.. they can’t possibly know what’s best in every situation. Plus, why would you want them to? Create your own relationships, your own happiness, and your own world. The best relationships are the ones kept private.

The absolute worst kind of dependance is one where someone depends on someone else – anyone else – to validate them as a person and to make them happy. This could be family, friend, or significant other. But I’ve come across those people that are not comfortable with themselves to the point that they live and breathe off the opinions of others. This applies to physical and emotional things. You need someone to always tell you that you’re pretty? Or someone to tell you that you’re judging a situation properly? Or someone to tell you to ‘go for it’ when it comes to reaching your goals or dreams? Why do you need constant ass kicking and affirmation? Is it nice when your significant other tells you that you’re beautiful… Sure! Can you live without it? HOPEFULLY. Maybe I’m crazy but I have the automatic assumption that my boyfriend is attracted to me and likes me – otherwise, why would he even bother to be with me?

The point in all of this is that everyone has to find their own happiness. No matter who you’re with – you have to have a life of your own; goals of your own, friends of your own, time by yourself and an overall drive to be successful in life – regardless of whether that relationship continues or not. And mainly – you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.

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Everyone Has A Breaking Point

November 18, 2012 Leave a Comment

I used to be a different person. Somewhat. I used to have hate in my heart. I was competitive, I was aggressive, I was mean. There was a point in my life where self gratification – of the immediate variety – was all I cared about.

Then I woke up.

I realized that every single person affects your life – one way or another – every single interaction has contributed to the character you have and the person you are. More so, you affect other people, the mistakes you make in your own life will in one way or another come back to you and to the people you care about. Maybe not immediately, but in the long run – consequences for your actions are abundant in their strength and their variety.

There are people I know who haven’t woken up.

These people continue to (seemingly) think that the mistakes they make are forever forgivable. That no matter how many times they mess up, the people around them will continue to forgive. I’ve said this to some people in the my life before – everyone has a breaking point. It just takes one time, one thing – maybe it’s small, maybe it’s life changing. But there will be one thing that will be irreversible and unforgivable.

Now, I say this having forgiven people for the most ridiculous things, for evil things, for (as my friend M.T. would say) non-human things. Mostly because I still naively believe that everyone is good. That even in the most evil of people – the people that have done deliberately hurtful things – there is a good side. There is a good heart screaming out to be discovered.

However, my naiveness (yes, that’s now a word) ends with forgiveness. It doesn’t extend to forgetting. It doesn’t extend to continued tolerance of disgusting behavior. Because forgetting it would be the same as encouraging it. I appreciate all the people that have forgiven me for the things I’ve done wrong, but MORE SO I am grateful that it was never encouraged.

I will end this post on a positive note – your life’s work should be to have a good and warm heart. You should do and say good things to good people and be surrounded by goodness. It makes it easier to be happy and at the end of the day, what’s a life without happiness?

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