A Brand New World….

September 2, 2014 Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about those times when you re-enter the dating world. I feel like there’s now a series of steps involved that everyone dreads and tries to avoid as much as possible but it’s inevitable – so I say.. RIP THE BAND- AID OFF!

1) You have to do the facebook relationship status change. Oh this is dramatic. You get all the “OH MY GOSH! What happened?!” messages. And then, if you’re a girl, they slowly transition to creepy guys adding you and trying to message you. So.not.cool. But eventually it all cools down & you begin to figure out how to split up the mutual friend circle that you built with your ex which can be a dramatic process unless you have the greatest friends in the world! LIKE ME! (this is a shameless shout out to my amazing friends <3)

2) You have to start putting yourself out there. Now, if you’ve been following my posts then you know that I entertain the world of online dating. This time around, I actually went for the paid sites in an effort to find something more serious- such as http://www.match.com – which is actually quite effective. If you’re serious about finding a partner, I would recommend staying away from the free dating sites – the tinder, okcupid, plenty of fish sites of the world. These sites are geared more for hook-ups and personally, I think I’m just too old for it or maybe Brooklyn has broken me and I’m over the hook-up scene. #maturity.

3) Being with someone else. This has always been the hardest part for me of breaking up. You also have to step out of your comfort zone. You’re used to being with and interacting with a certain person. You’re used to their mannerisms and you’ve learned to pick up on certain cues they give you. You can tell when they’re sad, happy, in need of a hug or in need of being left alone. Now you have to learn all these things about whoever you’ll be seeing next, and chances are (unless you get really lucky) you’ll have to date several people before you find someone where everything just clicks. This brings me to my next point….

4) Don’t ever settle. No matter how long it takes you to find someone, keep going until you find someone where you “click”. I don’t think there’s a time frame on it and I don’t think you need to date 40 people to find the right one, or at least the right one right now. Whether it’s the first, second or thirty-fifth person you date, you should be EXCITED to see them, or hear from them. They should give you that feeling in your belly when you get a message or a phone call from them… and that feeling should never go away. I think the number one killer to a relationship is when you stop dating and stop flirting. You slowly begin to lose interest because the excitement starts going away. I believe in butterflies. I believe you should be so enthralled with the person you’re seeing that you never play games. You should want to see them as much as possible. You should look into their eyes and see nothing but bliss and joy and happiness. You should feel safe in their arms. This to me, is how you know you found someone worth keeping.

I don’t believe in being with someone because you’re used to them or because you rely on them or because you’re too co-dependent to be on your own. I can safely say that I’ve never felt like I’ve needed any man. Somehow this is offensive to some men but maybe I just look at it different. You’re in my life because I WANT you in it. “Needing”, to me, seems like a pathetic choke-hold on a situation. You should never NEED another person because we’re all mortal. Your significant other can get taken away from this planet at any given moment in time so you should always be surrounded in your life by those you WANT in your life who WANT you in theirs.

I think each relationship that ends is a building block and path way to finding what you truly want. Each relationship carries a lesson. I think the next person I choose to call mine will be absolutely incredible and will make me have a smile plastered from ear to ear on my face. I guess I’m just chasing happiness, and I know myself better now so I’m happy with me and that’s always the first step.

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In the name of God & All that is Holy!

February 27, 2013 Leave a Comment

I realize that this post may offend some people. So I apologize in advance, and would generally appreciate the feedback and input of those that may be offended. And for the record, I don’t believe in God or any written religion of any sort. The bible, torah, and any other book you can come up with are all very well-written fairy tales to me. I believe you should be a good and moral person in your present life on earth because that’s the right thing to do, not because you’re going to some magical place in your after life. Furthermore, I believe that religion is just no longer needed in society. I believe it was ‘created’ as a way to maintain social order and prevent humans from killing and raping each other non-stop. But now we have government for that. Prison in the present life somehow seems like a bigger threat than Hell in a possible and uncertain ‘next life’. On another note, Heaven must be crowded  – unless you believe everyone is a sinner – in which case…. Hell must be crowded.

Now I must also tell you that my Mom is ready to throw a parade for me because my boyfriend happens to be Jewish. He’s about as Jewish as I am though- meaning not at all. And my mother doesn’t even know when Hanukkah is – but all that is somehow irrelevant because by tradition my family is Jewish and so I absolutely MUST marry a Jew. Us non-real Jews are not the only ones that think this way – although I will say that we’re one of the least accepting religions – I feel like if a Catholic marries a Christian or a Jew it’s not AS big of a deal to the Catholic family as long as the person getting married is happy.

See there’s a multitude of reasons as to why people think very similarly to the way my family thinks. My mom grew up in the Soviet Union, where you were ostracized for being Jewish – and so all the Jewish kids stuck together. And you end up marrying a Russian Jew because THAT’S ALL THERE IS. It’s not like there are a bunch of Canadian Catholics running around in Russia. There are no other people except Russians and there were only 2 religions – Russian Orthodox Christians and the Russian Jews. And that’s how it was in every country, you go to Italy and all you get is Italians. You go to Israel and you have the Muslims separate from the Israelites and that’s just about it. The point is that no other country is a melting pot, except the US. But we all come here and settle into little communities and create our own mini-countries. Now you have all the Russians in Brighton Beach and Sheepshead Bay. You have Poles in Greenpoint, the Spanish in Sunset Park and so on and so forth. So we take this “melting pot” and divide it and try to replicate what we’re claiming to want to get away from.

Now, as an immigrant, I was brought here for better opportunities. I still have yet to figure out why my family thinks that meeting people outside my cultural group is not part of that opportunity. Meeting people with different experiences, beliefs, religion, culture, food, dancing, music, etc.. ALL of that is opportunity. I personally think it’s foolish to avoid it and try to stick to your own little cultural circle. The world is more connected than ever before. I can ship things to people ACROSS THE WORLD in under 24 hours but I avoid the people a couple of blocks down because “they’re not my people” … that’s just an archaic way of thinking.

Part of growing up in a different country than your family grew up in is that you are bound to have to fight some battles; battles between the traditional and the logical.

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Co- Everything

February 9, 2013 Leave a Comment

Ever look around lately and notice how dependent people are?

I don’t just mean the loser dweebs who are living in their Mom’s basement at the age of 38. I mean everyone in every single way is seemingly dependent on someone for something. I’ll just discuss a few that have been tingling my senses recently.

This applies very obviously to couples. They’re the couples that order for each other, agree on everything, and basically blend two separate brains into a (not so bright) one. The ones who can’t possibly imagine being away from their significant other for longer than a few days. What did you do before this person? And more so, what are you planning to do after? If you are relying on your girlfriend to choose your wardrobe – are you going to stop buying clothes when you guys break up? Also, when did this become “okay” to do? The worst part of this is meshing lives (and obviously .. de-meshing them). If your boyfriend is your only friend and you forget that you have a life outside of his existence and you drop all of your girlfriends to focus on this wonderful relationship – what happens if you break up? Are you just hoping your friends are good enough people to be like “well you dropped me like a cheap hooker for the last 2 years- but SURE welcome back into my life!” I wouldn’t count on it.

Another type of dependance is the one where you have those people that value the opinions of their friends so highly that they run to them on EVERY single issue. Especially the ones who are IN relationships and take the advice of their SINGLE friends. Now, I’m not saying that people don’t have knowledge and experience to share. But some instances can’t have objective opinions. If your boyfriend is behaving a certain way, there’s a context and story to it, and unless your friends are actually INVOLVED in your relationship… which I hope they aren’t.. they can’t possibly know what’s best in every situation. Plus, why would you want them to? Create your own relationships, your own happiness, and your own world. The best relationships are the ones kept private.

The absolute worst kind of dependance is one where someone depends on someone else – anyone else – to validate them as a person and to make them happy. This could be family, friend, or significant other. But I’ve come across those people that are not comfortable with themselves to the point that they live and breathe off the opinions of others. This applies to physical and emotional things. You need someone to always tell you that you’re pretty? Or someone to tell you that you’re judging a situation properly? Or someone to tell you to ‘go for it’ when it comes to reaching your goals or dreams? Why do you need constant ass kicking and affirmation? Is it nice when your significant other tells you that you’re beautiful… Sure! Can you live without it? HOPEFULLY. Maybe I’m crazy but I have the automatic assumption that my boyfriend is attracted to me and likes me – otherwise, why would he even bother to be with me?

The point in all of this is that everyone has to find their own happiness. No matter who you’re with – you have to have a life of your own; goals of your own, friends of your own, time by yourself and an overall drive to be successful in life – regardless of whether that relationship continues or not. And mainly – you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.

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Racism.

January 31, 2013 2 Comments

I was going to come up with a clever title for this post but then I decided to be abrupt… much like the topic I’m going to discuss.

If you don’t think that racism still exists – you’re ignorant. and stupid.. but mostly ignorant. It’s all around you and clear as well.. black and white. You can perhaps say that I know nothing on this topic as I’m a white woman. You fail. I’ve dated outside my race – much to the dismay of my white peers and most of my friends.

There’s nothing that gets either race as angry as someone dating someone of a different race. For some reason, even though everyone is all -hush hush- about it.. it’s still socially unacceptable. Even from the point of view of someone who “admires” you. Which may be the most irritating of all – the people that have told me “I admire what you’re doing, you’re so strong” as if I’m overcoming cancer or something. It’s absolutely absurd and necessary for people to discuss openly.

Just to be exact, I’m not only talking about whites dating blacks, I’m also talking about whites dating Asians, or blacks dating Asians, or even Asians dating other types of Asians (you know China and Japan aren’t the only Asian countries, right?).

There are also so many factors at play when thinking about an inter-racial/inter-ethnic relationship. First and foremost is the background of the individuals. Now, I can admit that I grew up in a relatively racist family, mostly because there wasn’t anyone but white people in the Soviet Union and my family was just shocked by the various different types of people that exist in the world when they arrived to the US. Imagine reading a book about a country filled with different types of unicorns and then actually coming to that country – it would be a pretty radical change. The younger generation obviously adapts easier to these changes.. good luck convincing my grandparents that we’re all the same though, they won’t buy it. On the other hand, if you aren’t white, chances are your family or even maybe you have experienced blatant racism at some point in their lives, which would obviously create a mistrust of white people and the prejudice would grow from there.

Next, you have what’s probably the biggest barrier… FAMILY. You can be the least racist or prejudice individual possible but if you bring someone into your home who is of the opposite race and your family isn’t comfortable with that – forget it.. just call it quits. My ex-boyfriend was from Guyana… my family looked at him like he was a crocodile with 2 heads. That obviously doesn’t make someone comfortable and he (appropriately) felt unwelcome in my home. And I felt awkward having him there. One of my friends dated a Chinese- American. He was one of those ghetto Asians – but his family obviously wasn’t. So anytime she’d be at his house she’d feel out of place… obviously the second most comforting place in the world aside from your own home should be your significant other’s home.. it puts a bit of a damper on the relationship when that’s not the case.

After the family issue comes the Public. Getting strange looks on the train from just about everyone is enough to make you go crazy. Actually crazy. Because if you care for someone you don’t feel like what you’re doing is wrong. But apparently everyone else does. It’s like you have the plague, a vicious plague that creates some scary looking bumps on your face that you just want to run away from and hibernate forever. Ok – that was a bit dramatic, but I think you get the point. So either people stare at you like you’re crazy or they look at you in admiration – like you’re accomplishing something spectacular by dating outside your race. Neither one is particularly appealing or appreciated.

All of these points lead to a very significant one; Dating outside your ethnicity also means that the person grew up differently, with different values, different priorities, and a different lifestyle. All of these things will inevitably impact your relationship. Regardless of how much you agree on, you can’t change your upbringing and you can’t change your family. Dating someone within your own race is significantly easier- especially if they coincidentally happen to be from the same country, ethnic/religious background and everything else. That doesn’t mean you should be closed minded though.

Just because something has been done a certain way for a long time, doesn’t mean it’s the right way, the best way or the only way.

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What’s Your Favorite Wild Animal?

December 12, 2012 Leave a Comment

Okcupid.com has this question about which is more nerve racking for you – first dates or important interviews. Now NORMAL people would probably say important interviews but I beg to be different – and I’m sure I’m not the only one. See any interview can only go so badly being that you’re basing everything you’re discussing off of experience & off of things you know you can or can’t discuss during the interview. Whereas, on a first date, there’s not “can’t say this”.. there’s no official guide. Also, I feel like it’s less nerve racking to lose a job opportunity rather than lose some guy that perhaps you’ve been swooning over – but unlikely since men are childish pigs at best.

Let’s first talk about the fact that guys don’t even know how to ask someone out on a damn date. They say things like “Hey, want to go hang out on friday?” What if you guys are friends and you’ve been hanging out on fridays for the last like 2 years, how the hell am I supposed to know this friday is special? I’d have to wait for that awkward kiss attempt at the end of the night in order to discover you might like me. The only thing worse is the guy that tries to cop a feel on top of that or touches you. Like hello, we just met and you’ve tried to feel more of me than is kosher. I want to meet the guy that goes, “Hi, I like you and I want to take you out somewhere nice, how about ____.”

Since when are men so damn insecure that they can’t pick a place to eat? It’s nice of you to ask once, maybe, but if I say something like “anywhere is fine” then I mean that you should go and yelp some places all on your own and take me somewhere.  If you keep asking I will just assume you’re incompetent.. or don’t have a pair, which would you prefer?

Men should pay for the first date, under all circumstances. Girls have to do the fake “oh can I please pay for half” bit, but the man should pay. And if the man doesn’t pay… then you should never ever EVER see him again. Seriously. Men don’t take women out if you’re not actually taking them out. It’s not that complicated.

Although, I have heard that some women tend to be awful dates themselves – they ruin it for the rest of us. There are the women that message incessantly asking questions prior to the date, like how much can a guy really mess up? It’s not likely that he’s cooking the dinner you’ll be eating or producing the movie you’ll be sitting through, if you don’t like it.. that’s really the worst that will happen. Then there also the silent ones. What kind of woman are you if you don’t like to speak and snoop out information about your date immediately… where are your womanly detective skills?? Let’s be real now, it’s great when a man can “keep” a conversation but they aren’t supposed to be starting them. Get yourself together – he’s paying for you, the least you can do is speak. And if she doesn’t speak – then she can pay because chances are you don’t much care about ever seeing her again.

The topics of conversation on a first date tend to be awkward just by the nature of how things occur but primarily because people are idiots. If you were meeting someone of the opposite sex for the first time and not trying to get with them would you really talk about the weather? Or ask them ridiculous questions. Do you really care what my favorite wild animal is? The only reason that question would work for you in any way is at carnival if you were winning me a toy koala bear by playing some game. Otherwise, how the hell is that relevant for the future? Also, why do you ask about my past relationship on our FIRST date? Do you really want to know my dark side so quickly? Let’s keep some mystery here, we still have dates 2, 3, 4 & 5 to fill up  assuming you’re thinking with the proper “head” on your body.

One final bit of advice, if you’re the guy on a first date that’s actually going well and you go in for the kiss – don’t ask first. The asking for kisses thing is only cute when you’re already in a relationship. Otherwise it’s insecure.

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Online Dating Fails

October 2, 2012 2 Comments

I hope you’re all prepared for the wonderful world of online dating – part 2. The things my girlfriends and I have seen in the short time that I’ve decided to troll http://www.okcupid.com have been beyond ridiculous. I apologize for the poor picture quality as I’ve snapshot most of these on my phone. Many thanks to Masha T. and Tanya P. for contributing their experiences. Please brace yourselves.

Retarded pictures

If you join an online dating site, I’d expect you’d want to be taken seriously. You’d also want to put your “best self” out there. One would think….

How many ways can you possibly blank other people out of a photo and make sure they ONLY see your face? Also why in the world would you use the most ridiculous images possible to cover the faces of other people…

If you can’t tell, those are tiny little fluffy dog faces. instead of whoever his friends are.  NOT OKAY DUDE. NOT OKAY.

Hey guy! LAY OFF fake baking. It’s not cute on a girl, and looking orange is even worse on a guy. Also, lay off the teeth bleaching. UGH just so terrible. Who are you trying to attract? Oompa loompas?

Retarded Profiles (and screen names)

Because you can’t read this, I shall explain. First off, his screenname is “TheMrAmazing” . Next, he’s not amazing at all, and quite unattractive. The first line of his profile reads “I apologize in advance for not being in good enough shape for you…” If you read further he goes, “I’m a HUGE virgin, I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs or have sex”. Do all those things make you a HUGE virgin?  I think you meant to say you’re “straight-edge”. Also, if you’re so frikkin amazing why are you on okstupid.com?

Why do you have your ass in the air and the first line of your profile is “Let’s keep it classy here….”. *facepalm. I think it’s because he’s from Staten Island.

Retarded Messages (receiving end)

This one I got twice, and my friend also got The SAME exact message. Cool bro, you can copy and paste. In English this translates to “Hello from Carlson, who lives on a roof, can I land here?”  It’s not cute. Do you just search for Russian speaking girls who will get this and think it’s funny. It’s not. You’re sad.

This might be my favorite. It says (I’m leaving all the bad grammar in tact here): “So if your looking for a man, well not to brag but i eat 4 steaks a day , and my work out consists of chopping wood, and wresting black bears. I live in a house that I carved out of solid rock using nothing but a tooth pick, I drink the finest coffee , which was out lawed in 36 states which is ground and roasted by Chuck Norris hum self! i only own plaid button up long sleeve shirt and blue jeans. well hope to hear from you soon.”

I only have one word: TROLL.

This is how we now judge women. How long does it take you to get ready? Oh only 20 mins – you MUST look like shit. dude wtf is wrong with you? Also, how is this an appropriate question to ask someone when first introducing yourself. Just all over, WHAT? Why would I ever respond to this?

Extra special. He introduces himself as one of “New York’s Finest” and then goes “I’m a cop”. Really? If I didn’t know better the way you’re approaching me, you sound like a mexican construction worker and you might as well be whistling at me on the street because that’s basically what it sounds like in my head when you say “hey, babymama”. You know what; if I rejected this “Fine New Yorker” then he’d probably be one of those assholes that replies with “Fuck you, you ugly ass hoe”. Logic.

These morons have managed to take the disgrace of being “hollered” at on the street into the virtual realm. My IQ has officially decreased by 10 points just by being a member on this site.

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Just Have Sex

September 19, 2012 2 Comments

I’m not sure if anyone else notices this but when you’re not in a relationship the things that other people do in their relationships seem so ridiculous. This may also be true while you’re in one. Perhaps I’ve just been in tune with this since I need material to write about.

The Flip Outs

We’ve all been there. You have that significant other that flips out ALL the time. Accusations everywhere!! I have to ask. What’s the point? What are you hoping to get out of acting like a complete psycho? Do you think accusing your significant other of cheating will make them less likely to cheat? It’s simple. If he’s cheating on you, you’re going to end up finding out sooner or later anyway so you might as well control your stress levels and just chill out. If he’s not cheating on you and you’re accusing a wonderful guy of cheating on you while he’s being loyal then you’re just pushing him away and messing up your relationship for no good reason.

The Stay-At-Homes

Why do people drop their lives, their friendships, and their personalities once they get into a relationship? Your man has to work late and you’re calling me up complaining that now you’re stuck sitting at home. I invite you to go have dinner and you say no. Excuse me what? Did you just forget how to be a person? I don’t understand how you give up your entire life and who you are just because someone stamps Girlfriend on your forehead. You know what’s going to happen when you guys break up? You’re going to be all alone and have no friends… and the only person you have to blame is yourself.

The Future Builders

So you just went on your third date with this guy and you’re imagining what your babies are going to look like. You know there’s a word for people like you. It’s fucking CREEPY. This guy is probably on his 4th date with someone else and just picked up a girl at a bar right after he dropped you home. Calm down. It’s a third date not a proposal. You don’t even know if this guy is really into you yet or he’s trying to figure out how many dinners it’s going to take until your panties drop. Also, if you find a guy who is the one doing this, it’s not cute, it’s sad and pathetic and chances are he doesn’t have much going for him personality/looks wise and you need to re-evaluate your decision to date him.

The Compulsive Liars

The people who lie about everything all the time to see how many lies they can get away with before they get caught by their significant others. Then they cry like little babies and are like “OMG I’m so stupid, why didn’t I just tell him I bought red socks instead of blue ones”. Yea, you are stupid, and he’s even more stupid for staying with you.

The Fuck Ups

I mean generally, in life. The people who do ridiculous things like quit their jobs or drop out of school while in a relationship. Then they complain they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Then they complain that their significant other is complaining that they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

The Doing-Too-Much Problem

I know a bunch of girls that constantly complain that their boyfriends are too busy studying and working to make time to see them every day. Really? This makes me want to vomit. I understand if your boyfriend has like 5 jobs for no good reason and is basically avoiding seeing you but if your man is out there making himself a better person and still making time to see you at least once a week, especially if he treats you well, then suck it up. It’s part of “being a supportive girlfriend”. Learn to do it because it will pay off big time once he rises to the top.

The Not-Doing-Enough Problem

You both get so lazy that you stop going anywhere. Even the boring double dates start being few and far between. You’ve probably almost merged into one person because all you do is lay around and do nothing together. It’s disgusting. Go find yourself a life and learn to spend time apart.

The Ones Who Stop Giving A Shit About Their Bodies

This is probably my favorite, because it happens so simultaneously in relationships. Every time you see the couple they have each gained about 15 pounds. 2 years together and there’s a sesame chicken & fried rice deficit in NYC and they both weigh 350 pounds. It’s not cute. No one else will ever love you if you keep doing this to yourself. The key to loving someone else is to love yourself first. I couldn’t love myself in size 16 pants. Sorry. If people on the train genuinely offer you their seats because they think you’re pregnant then it’s time to visit the produce section more often.

The Non-Communicators

…with each other anyway. They have no problems communicating with EVERYONE else around them. These are the girls that think there’s something wrong so they call up 19 of their closest girlfriends and discuss it in detail, piecing together every word he’s said over the last 15 weeks as if he were God dictating the damn Bible over again. Men, on the other hand, will just drink themselves retarded with their guy friends over a game of football (which women will take to mean that the guy no longer loves them and avoids spending time with them). Just go and learn to talk to your significant other. seriously.

The Sex Problems

Why is the one person you don’t discuss sex with, and all the things you might want to try, your significant other? Then you end up having vanilla sex for 3 years. Go pick up 50 Shades of Grey and have a discussion over who’s bringing in the toys and make things come alive. This helps to fix other things. Perhaps your man would be more willing to communicate with you if you were open to trying it with your left leg behind your head?

The Money Problems

You know those people that are like, “I bought him a gift for $300, but the gift he bought me was only $200, WTF?!” That’s not okay. Stop being such a materialistic douche. Who counts money in relationships anyway? We’re all young and basically broke. Worse is if you offer to pick something up for your boyfriend, like his dry-cleaning, and then complain that he didn’t pay you back for it. Really? Are we doing that now? He’s your significant other, and it was like $8. Calm down, he probably spent 90 times that amount before you gave him the “privilege” of calling you his girlfriend.

The FBI Agents

Another favorite. I love the girls that get all the passwords and constantly check the guys’ phones. And then proceed to ask them questions about who every single person is in their contacts and if they’ve ever slept with them. And then if so, how many times and how long ago was it and “omg you slept with her only 4 years ago- delete her now!” How is this helping your relationship? If you have trust problems you need to seek counseling and stop subjecting your boyfriend to your personal problems. OMG did you just find out that he’s friends with his ex on facebook? Are you now stalking his entire life? You’re sad. Just Stop.

The Actual Stalkers

These are the people who actually follow their significant others around and call them while they’re looking at them to make sure they aren’t lying.

Ancient meme:

Girl: Where are you?

Boy: In bed, thinking of you, and you?

Girl: Right behind you at the club.

See, this kind of stuff actually happens though. And as mentioned earlier… the guy who wants to lie and cheat is going to lie and cheat no matter how psycho you act so just stop!

The Drama Queens

We’ve all been with that person that just seriously enjoys arguing and fighting. It’s like a way for them to spice up the relationship or something when they’re bored. “OMG you’re wearing a purple shirt today! That was your exes favorite color, you must be cheating on me!!!”. I’ve heard people also tend to take things more seriously as time goes on. I have a friend who fought with her boyfriend over yogurt at one point. Hey! Don’t laugh.. Yogurt is important.

 

In conclusion I would just like to say: Fuck relationships, just have sex.

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Online Dating – YES THAT!

September 17, 2012 2 Comments

This will be a guest post – because my dear friend Tanya P. could not control her anger any longer at the pathetic bunch of dweebs she’s been encountering online. Please, if you have a shitty personality in real life – don’t take it into the virtual realm.

“I read Nika’s rants about the lack of common sense in young and especially single people and I have a rant of my own to contribute: ONLINE DATING.

True to my new nature of accepting change over the past year, I decided to be less stubborn and give online dating a shot because who knows maybe I’ll be one of those success stories. MAYBE being the keyword. Well just like frat boys at a dive bar celebrating “Thirsty Thursday” you men have managed to take stupidity to a whole different dimension: ONLINE INTERACTIONS. It shouldn’t be that hard to fake having one or two redeeming qualities considering the person at the other end doesn’t see the stupid smirk on your face. But apparently it is.

Let’s start with your approach or lack there of.  My favorite one that I personally encountered was “Hey ma your madd beautiful. You look madd intelligent.” What? Seriously dude did you just use the word “madd” and how did you manage to connect my physical attractiveness to my level of intelligence in one thought. The other issue is NEVER address a woman as “ma” “mammi” or the white boy version “sweety.” If it doesn’t work for the 4’9 stereotypical drunk Mexican on the street – you seem to have forgotten it’s sure as hell easier to ignore you online. There are certain one-liners every guy seems to use, the most horrible and seemingly popular approach is “Hey beautiful whats upp? ” Just because you gave me a compliment doesn’t mean I suddenly feel obligated to carry out any type of conversation with you.

Speaking of compliments there is no reason to give a girl more than one compliment on her looks. Most girls use online dating to find a boyfriend or husband, NOT to be reassured by men about their “above average” looks. Just because you ran out of things to say doesn’t mean it’s okay to fill the gap with a compliment. Try telling her something unique about yourself or ask her about her favorite part of the city. That is a much better conversation because there is a 95% chance she’s not vain enough to only want to discuss her physical attributes. Than again I don’t know what the other chicks on these sites are like.

Now that we covered approach and over complimenting let’s discuss the two most redeeming qualities the guys online have: creepy and desperate. Do you know how many of my friends yell at me for not smiling in photographs? Why because it’s easy to come off as creepy if you are staring straight at the camera without conveying some type of emotion. If I can manage to find four photos where I am smiling so should everyone else on the website. If your eyes look vacant in your photos you look creepy. Also what you write in your profile should be a reflection on who you are. If sex, women and big boobies are mentioned anywhere in your profile description than I don’t want anything to do with your sleezy ass.

Now lets talk about desperate some guys are. Umm buddy it says at the side of the messages what time you wrote the message so don’t write me three messages 20 minutes apart at 12 am when I am probably sleeping and not replying because I’m sleeping. Additionally don’t leave me your number if I never asked for it because unless your drop-dead gorgeous I will not text you ever at this rate. Also don’t visit my profile every single day after I ignored your last five messages. Yes I am online, NO I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Oh and why in the world is every single of your photos with a different “hot” chick. Seriously you say your looking for a girlfriend but all your photos are of you and the attractive chicks you’ve known since high school but were never able to get with. It looks like a visual list of references of all the girls who can vouch for why you should be “friends zoned.”

Anyways this rant doesn’t even begin to surface the inbox full of bullshit I’ve experienced online. I assumed people doing online dating are just people who have no luck with the opposite sex. I was wrong for every one good guy there is a pool of dense males. This  the same collection you find at a bar or club. There are plenty of fish in the sea but the sea has been polluted.”

 

I would also like to add to this – since I needed new blog material and have recently joined okcupid.com (Please judge me because I’m already judging myself – and everyone else on the site) – If you don’t have a normal screen name and you’re like 28.. please shot yourself in the mouth Kurt Cobain style. Your screen name should NOT be anything along the lines of xxCUTEJOCKxx or even better VagLover29. That’s a definite no-no and you’ll be sitting home with your right hand for a very VERY long time.

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Stalking & Facebook

September 2, 2012 1 Comment

OK so let me tell you about the magic that is facebook that SOMEHOW guys are completely clueless about.

See the thing is that you can log out of your own facebook and log into someone elses. GIRLS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. Especially the psycho ones. So you know that girl you dated that messaged you 15,000 times a day and then you would “coincidentally” run into her at the dry cleaners which is 9 miles from her house? Yea, if you ever lived in Brooklyn and you’re a guy.. chances are you dated one of these psychos. Oh.. you thought she liked giving you head.. no she just wanted to smell your penis to make sure you weren’t cheating. Girls be CRAY CRAY!

Now, see Facebook made stalking the lives of your significant other/sugar daddy/friends-with-benefits/cute guy at the local store.. significantly easier. You can find out almost everything about someone through their facebook, and if not, then you can at the least find out who you know in common and make sure you find out everything about that person. And if you don’t have that person added, it’s nearly a guarantee that one of your close friends does. I currently have about 5 friends that use my facebook SOLELY for stalking purposes. Welcome to BROOKLYN!

You can find out everything your ex is up to – and guys are downright stupid with this. Guys like to act like big shots once they are single and post on FB every single thing they are doing and make it sound really awesome. ie: “At the gas station – hot bitches be staring at me everywhere I go” or even better is “Lifting 99,000 lbs at the gym today, gotta look good 😉 **insert douche photo with 20lb weight here**”. Sorry it’s just sad & pathetic.

Girls, on the other hand, like to put on the sluttiest apparel possible (the more naked the better) and go out to the most ridiculous clubs (future posts on OPM to come), and then take as many pics with as many guys as possible.

Yes… this is what the dating world has come to.

The only thing that sucks in all this is that chances are I’m probably getting stalked right back. Amid ex-bfs and girls that I dropped from my life because of the drama they caused.. I’m pretty sure there are crazy b*tches out there stalking my life. This could be a comforting thought if I often walked in the middle of nowhere and could possibly drop dead at any moment.. then at least the stalking abilities of others would be useful.

The BEST part of all this is seeing who your exes date after you. Don’t lie.. even before the times of facebook you wanted to know. It’s even better when that new person makes you feel a lot better about who you are. Suddenly eating Chunky Monkey ice cream is no longer necessary when your ex downgrades.

I am of the firm belief that facebook – if you rely on it as a legitimate source of information – can only be a friendship/relationship killer. I highly recommend you find a significant other that does not think the entire world starts and ends on facebook… otherwise you might fall victim to the penis sniffing.

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