Complacency is Death

August 13, 2016 Leave a Comment

This morning one of my close friends told me that she can’t open up her store in SoHo this morning because the “Body Acceptance Movement” is protesting outside her business.

Okay, before this becomes a rant on everything that’s wrong with “BAM”, I have to say that I believe that all people should love their bodies at every size. I believe, more specifically, all women should love themselves so much that it doesn’t matter what size they are.

That being said.. BAM.. which is essentially the Fat Acceptance Movement.. angers me like very few other things in this world. The fact that my friend is losing income and her beautiful clothes can’t be sold today because 20 morbidly obese people are SITTING outside her business, is unacceptable.

I make a living helping people. As a Financial Planner, I help them improve their money situations – I have helped people get out of debt, buy homes, grow their assets, send their kids to college, and even retire comfortably. As a Health Coach, I help people improve their health – I have helped diabetics minimize the effects diabetes has on their lives, helped countless people lose weight, helped people with eating disorders to gain weight in healthy ways, and helped people live better lives with Crohns, MS, and a wide variety of other illnesses with terrible symptoms.

All of the people I have helped have had one thing in common: they all want to improve their current situations.

I don’t understand people who get to a place in their life where not only do they give up on themselves, but they’re encouraging everyone to give up on them too.

My weight has fluctuated my whole adult life, I bounce around somewhere between a size 2 and a size 8 based on how I feed my body and whether or not I’m on a health kick. It’s been pretty stable the last 2.5 years since I found a lifestyle that works for me. I have loved myself at a size 2, and I have loved myself at a size 8. But I loved myself enough to get healthy and always try to make it better. If i wake up tired for a few days straight, I must be lacking something, I must not be getting enough Vitamin B in my diet, or I need to get to sleep sooner. SOMETHING. Something has to improve and I need to change something in my life. That’s the thinking process that I go through. When I’m at a size 8, I also get not-so-subtle nudges from my family members that I need to stop eating pasta and start eating kale.

But the Body Acceptance Movement is a different beast. It says that not only should we stop improving ourselves, it suggests that the people in our lives should also stop trying to help us improve. When you stop loving yourself, the ONE thing you should want is for everyone in your life to love you SO much that they don’t let you continue hurting yourself. Obesity is painful. It is painful to live in a world where everyone judges you, judges everything you put in your mouth, judges what you dress, judges how much space you take up. Obesity is MORE painful on the inside. Obesity makes people immobile. Obesity makes it hard to sleep, hard to move, hard to eat, hard to LIVE. If you are Obese, I honestly hope you have people in your life who love you so much that they help you get healthier. If you give up on yourself, that’s the moment you stop loving yourself. And by asking your family and those around you to “accept you” or rather give up on you, you are asking them to stop loving you too.

I believe that loving yourself at every size stems from loving yourself to better health. Size aside, there is clearly nothing healthy about being obese. All studies indicate that despite all possible issues, diseases, and illness – thyroid, diabetes, MS, etc., you can still control what you put in your body and how you treat it and that you can absolutely lose weight. Studies also show that because of obesity, we will literally be the first generation to not outlive our parents. Your “Body Acceptance” may literally kill you.

So this is essentially a plea. Please stop being complacent in your situation. Instead of asking your loved ones to accept you. Ask your loved ones to support you, help you, and love you so much that they force you to make better decisions, and help you improve your health. Ask them to be your accountability partners. Or ask a stranger or a co-worker or anyone you think will actually keep you honest.

I realize this is easier said than done but: Love yourself more than any challenge that presents itself in your life.

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Growth… It Often Looks Like Failure

May 17, 2016 1 Comment

I’ve spent the last two years or so of my life working on growing and developing myself. In particular I really wanted to get good at a few things:

  1. Staying positive no matter what is going on.
  2. Not letting negative people bring me down.
  3. Not negatively reacting or being bothered by other people and what they do/say.
  4. Waking up every day excited for the day.
  5. Going to sleep with a grateful heart.

Of the last two years, I can honestly say that there have very few days where I have accomplished all five things. However, I have steadily gotten better at doing all of them, in on way or another, and I am VERY good at noticing when I am not doing one of those 5 – and stopping to reassess my behavior.

It took me way too many negative nancy moment, way too many tears, way too many arguments with people on Facebook, and way too much frustration to realize I had a problem. I used to constantly argue about politics -and feel like banging my head against a wall when I couldn’t make every single member of my friends list agree with me. I used to argue all day about one thing or another until I realized it was eating up my life and a complete waste of energy. And more importantly – all the negatively, arguing, and frustration was getting me nowhere fast in terms of my life and my goals.

I’ve learned that growth involves a lot of failing forward.

I’ve gotten really good at being focused on my goals regardless of what my day is looking like, what obstacles come about or what random project gets thrown my way that throws off the next 87 days that I had planned down to 30-minute intervals. I’ve gotten good at focusing on what I need to get done, and gaining that “I’m accomplished” feeling. That feeling just feels so damn good #amiright?

At first, my approach to not letting negative people bother me was to simply block them all away. If I can’t see it.. it’s not really there, right? Yes, that’s right. But I’m also not learning how to deal with the negativity in a way that doesn’t affect me. So a few weeks ago I unblocked everyone on my block list and let pandora’s box be what it may. I must add though, that the unfollow button is a true blessing. No one likes a constant complainer… and I no longer need to see them whine about how awful it is that their Barista can’t get their name right ever or how TERRIBLE the MTA is every.single.day.

Now, I rarely argue on Facebook – there are a few special characters that can bring it out of me, but I always notice it and I always try to end things – make peace and move on with my day to being more productive. It used to eat up hours, now it eats up minutes (most of the time).. we’ll just call that growing because this one was particularly hard for me to do.

I finally have a job, work environment and all around life where I am excited for each of my days. I feel like I’m constantly helping people and feel like I’m growing personally and professionally. Both my day job – being a Financial Planner, and my evening personal gig- being a Health Coach, are personally rewarding in a thousand different ways. It’s frikkin’ awesome (and I am eternally grateful every single day)!

I have also gotten in the habit of writing out my gratitudes. I don’t do it everyday, but whether I do it before bed, when I first wake up, or dead center in the middle of a client meeting.. it still gets done… and it brings my entire perspective right back to what’s really important.

So fail forward. Fail forward every day to get closer and closer to whatever your personal goals are… I sure am!

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Happiness is a Moving Target

February 26, 2016 Leave a Comment

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what leads to true bliss and happiness in relationships. What the magical combination of ingredients is that leads to true everlasting love.

Now I realize that many people will say that there is no such thing as everlasting love, but I’m going to adamantly disagree with the sentiment upfront and disclose that I am your typical romantic. I fully believe we can fall head-over-heels in love at first sight and make it last a life time. I believe in high school sweet hearts. I believe in all the mushy gushy lovey dovey movie stuff. Feel free to judge.. because honestly, in the world of Tinder and Thrinder (is that how it’s spelled?) – it just keeps getting harder and harder to believe it. But for now, I’m not a love skeptic.

I think one of the most important things in a relationship is to have an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful for all the wonderful, lovely amazing things that your significant other does for you – and encourage the same in return. Thank you for picking me up from xyz, thank you for being there for me, thank you for listening, etc etc. Yes, all of these seemingly simple things are part of your normal healthy relationship, but expressing gratitude for those things.. just encourages more of them.

Secondly, and more importantly- don’t apologize all the time. Yes, sometimes we make mistakes, but other times the things we say “sorry” for were actually intentional actions. Sorry is a word that quickly loses its value when it’s overused. This goes for all your relationships! I used to be the constant apologizer “Sorry for canceling tonight, something came up” .. no I just want to sit home and not see anyone and I really shouldn’t have to apologize for that.

Part of not apologizing for our possibly awkward but still intentional actions is being ourselves. Every relationship is just a pre-qualification test for marriage (or whatever your long-term commitment variation of marriage might be) and the truth is that if you’re going to potentially spend 60+ years with someone, you might as well know that they can’t handle being social all the time, or that they leave their socks on the floor for 3 days. Don’t fake it until there’s a ring on it… or make excuses for your significant other if they have behaviors you can’t handle.

Be wholly unapologetically yourself!

Lastly, someone said something to me that really clicked home. Happiness is a moving target. What makes you happy when you’re 18 will be different than what makes you happy at 25 and 30 and 45 and so on. You will change. Your significant other will change and in order to stay happy in your relationship, you have to be able to effectively communicate those internal changes. And you have to accept whatever internal changes your significant other will go through during your lives together.. there will be many and you have to be prepared to deal with every single one of them. Or be subjected to a lifetime of arguing which is well.. miserable. I have many things to say to those people that think consistent arguing is a ‘normal’ part of a relationship.

The largest part of ALL of this is being happy with yourself and accepting all the internal changes that come your way. Spread the love people! Even Facebook has started encouraging it!

 

XOXO

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I Don’t Believe in Compromise

February 16, 2016 Leave a Comment

… I bet you’re like.. did this girl just tell me never to compromise? She must be batshit!

Webster Dictionary defines Compromise as the following: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions..

“Each side making concessions”… sounds like we’re all willingly signing ourselves up for disappointment. Why in the world would you want to sign up to be in a relationship where you’re constantly disappointed and so is your partner? Who wants to give a little all the time? Why wouldn’t you want to live in the ‘extreme’ and just be happy as often as possible?

It is my honest opinion that we need to redefine compromise and how your typical relationship works. 

Let’s try this on for size: If something is MORE important to your significant other than it is to you.. go with what your significant other wants. The opposite is, of course, also true. If something is extremely important to you.. more so than it is to your partner.. don’t battle over it.. just make it clear how important it is.

How many problems are created by both partners being somewhat disappointed ALL THE TIME? Based on this new definition, disappointment would briefly occur for the one partner that doesn’t get his/her way. However, you will be rewarded with a partner who is not disappointed in any way and is instead, hopefully, very happy.

We need to give up on the idea that you’re always going to be happy with every single thing your significant other does, but your ultimate goal should be to make each other as happy as possible. Wouldn’t it be better if we agreed to base our “compromises” based on priorities? You’d be happiest on the things that matter MOST to YOU!

Obviously, your significant other would have to agree to this otherwise you’re forever giving into things and getting nothing back and that will leave you in a very disappointing one-sided relationship.

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Settling is for Wussies

December 1, 2015 1 Comment

I used to think that there is always something in life that we have to settle for. How many people do you know that stay at a job they hate? Stay in a relationship with someone who is “fine”? Stay in crappy apartments because it’s a process to look for something new?

We all know someone, maybe even ourselves, who is settling for something in their lives. I will be very open and tell you that I used to be that person in almost every aspect.

I went to graduate school primarily to appease my family who thinks a regular college degree is not enough. I had a really stable, safe, boring job where I wanted to blow my brains out every morning going to it, but I also knew I’d never be fired and it was really easy. I had some pretty mediocre friends, the ones who would be awesome at parties but don’t actually care about your wellbeing.. a whole large circle of them. And lastly, I had a relationship with that guy that was really good on paper, except he excited me about as much as watching baseball does (read: not at all.. what a stupid boring sport…but hey.. hot dogs!). And mostly, I was settling on me, I had accepted that I would never achieve exceptional things, that I would never have the dream life for myself, and that I was done growing.

Boy, how silly that was!

I started with making small changes – a diet change, a life style change, exploring and doing new things, meeting new people through a new business pursuit, dropping one “friend” at a time (or sometimes three in a day.. because why not?), ending the relationship, moving out on my own, meeting someone new, falling in love with someone incredible, and then changing my job. The entire journey (which is still not even close to being over) has taught me that I absolutely love growing and changing. I’ve fallen in love with the unknown and fallen in love with being unsettled.

Of course, I’m still finishing graduate school, and honestly, a part of me wishes I hadn’t spent the time doing it. But I also realized that no one ever regrets getting an MBA degree.. so whatever! I’m now extra over-qualified!

But the point of this post wasn’t to tell you to get a graduate degree to make your parents happy. It was to tell you that you can create whatever kind of life you want. No, it won’t happen over night. It took me well over a year to about 40% of the way to what I envision.. and that’s where I am now. But that’s okay, I’ve fallen in love with the process. I try new things and explore new options all the time. I don’t shy away from new experiences the way I used to, instead, I welcome them and see if the new experience can fit into the life I want and the person I want to be. Today, I choose to be happy and cheerful. I’ll probably choose the same tomorrow. But it’s a choice for me. Just like it’s a choice for you. So if you have something in your life that’s maybe just “okay” – whatever that may be – go about changing it! Start now.. like right now.. GO!

 

We’re all a work in progress… be the best damn work in progress you can be!

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Overanalyzing: The Killer of Happiness

November 5, 2015 Leave a Comment

If you’re anything like me, you’re prone to over thinking every single action, text, phone call, or the lack of any of the aforementioned items. I have suffered an unmentionable amount of anxiety and unhappiness because of my ability to find something to overanalyze in every single situation in life, relationships, friendships, and everything in-between. And then I stopped and started to just live.

I used to sit there and ponder over every single little thing. What does this mean? But what if it means this instead? What if this text wasn’t meant to go to me? What if it’s a lie? What if he’s actually with his ex-girlfriend right now and not “stuck in traffic”? Sound familiar? Oh, okay.. so I’m not the only insecure girl that ever lived.

The truth that I’ve come to realize is that the habit to overanalyze every situation is really a form of insecurity. A pretty damaging form. If you live in a place where you doubt every single person’s intentions, actions, and words then you aren’t really living in the real world. You’re living in a bubble where every one is out to lie to you or manipulate you in some way, shape, or form. That’s not the right way to approach living, it’s the way we approach it when we live in fear of the unknown instead of accepting what is.

I also realized that when I do or say things, I want people to take me at face value and not try to read and analyze more into it…. so why shouldn’t I give people that same courtesy?

Fear, insecurity, overanalyzing – they all come from past experiences that may have hurt us. We’ve all been there. The problems come in when we try to project our past hurts onto our present and our future. Living in fear, in pain, in hurt is wasting the little time we have on Earth to be happy, to experience, and to smile.

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Look For a Partner

October 12, 2015 Leave a Comment

One of the most important things in a relationship is to always be on each other’s team.

This may seem obvious to some people but to others, the ones who always feel like they’re fighting a losing battle, to the ones that are in strained relationships, the ones who are ready to give up.. don’t. Just remember these very simple words:

You Are On The Same Side

It’s an incredibly easy concept to think about but an incredibly difficult one to put into practice. Especially once someone hurts us or we feel emotionally injured by them. We like to go searching for our pride instead of realizing that as teammates, you have to figure out what your points of tension are and work through them.. TOGETHER.

What makes a partner different than a soulmate or a lover? A partner is: A companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants. But that doesn’t happen instantly. It happens over time, through many open and honest and non-prideful conversations. It happens through happiness and joy and pain and a lot of love. And a lot of work.

Oftentimes we end up in these roller coaster ride relationships, the ones that eat away at our soul, and leave our hearts shattered. I’ve come to believe that those are absolutely necessary for our growth. I think you have to experience unbelievable heart-wrenching pain in order to properly experience unbelievably and wonderful blissful love. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself after all I’ve been through. Because none of the past seems to matter once you’re in that blissful state. Once you’ve found the right hand to hold, the right person to lean on and learn from, and the kind of love you always imagined but weren’t quite sure you’d ever find.

Wherever you go chasing for love; look for a hand to hold.. not a heart to grasp onto.

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It’s All About the Butterflies

September 21, 2015 Leave a Comment

I’ve been handing out relationship advice for a long time now and recently someone asked me what in the world qualified me to do so. My answer was simple (and brilliant): I’m quite good at learning from my mistakes. But then I really got to think about it and the answer is actually the opposite. I’m really good at learning from my successes.

Instead of focusing on all the things that went wrong in previous relationships and all the things I could learn, all the mistakes I made and etc., I do the exact opposite. I focus on all the good stuff. I focus on the times I smiled the most and the little things that made me the happiest in the past. I think about all the things I’ve done that worked in favor of the relationship and things that made it stronger/better/happier.

You see, I’m not counting successful relationships as those that lasted the longest. Sometimes, the relationships in which you made the most mistakes, the ones that were gut-wrenching and painful were the longest. Probably not a good example of things you want going forward. You probably want to think about when you were the most excited to wake up each day. So even if that relationship lasted a month.. why not learn from it?

One of the most important things I learned is that both parties have to contribute to keeping the “butterflies” in the relationship. Little surprises, sweet gifts, delicious home-cooked meals, naked greetings at the door (you know.. for some) or whatever else will make the other person turn their head… and smile.

I don’t often get personal and specific… okay that’s a lie… I try to be coy but I fail epically. But here goes:

Before I first met my current boyfriend we spoke for like 2 weeks.. on the phone, via text, and lots of selfies were exchanged too. I was SO nervous to meet him. I must have sent pics of my outfit that day to like 8 of my friends to make sure it said “I’m cool and awesome and I woke up likes this!” I was literally shaking when he picked me up and I got in his car. We only had a few hours together that day before I had to catch a flight so I knew it had to go well. Afterwords, I was still shaking. I was so excited that I had met this person and spent a couple hours with him. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Flash forward to over a year later: Before every single weekend I spend with my boyfriend, I feel those exact same butterflies. I get excited to see him, to spend time with him. Every time he kisses me, I get excited, I plan an entire weekend worth of outfits because I never know what we’re going to do and I always want him to be impressed by how I look… even in my leggings and tees… because I work on my butt on the regular. On Monday morning when I’m sitting at the office all I think about is how awesome the weekend was, how many smiles were exchanged and what new and exciting things I can come up with for the next weekend.

But here’s the key… I want HIM to be impressed. All of everything I do and plan and focus on is about trying to surprise him and make him smile. It’s not about me. It’s about us and our relationship and making it better for both of us. Because honestly, what’s better than your man smiling at you?

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A Brand New World….

September 2, 2014 Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about those times when you re-enter the dating world. I feel like there’s now a series of steps involved that everyone dreads and tries to avoid as much as possible but it’s inevitable – so I say.. RIP THE BAND- AID OFF!

1) You have to do the facebook relationship status change. Oh this is dramatic. You get all the “OH MY GOSH! What happened?!” messages. And then, if you’re a girl, they slowly transition to creepy guys adding you and trying to message you. So.not.cool. But eventually it all cools down & you begin to figure out how to split up the mutual friend circle that you built with your ex which can be a dramatic process unless you have the greatest friends in the world! LIKE ME! (this is a shameless shout out to my amazing friends <3)

2) You have to start putting yourself out there. Now, if you’ve been following my posts then you know that I entertain the world of online dating. This time around, I actually went for the paid sites in an effort to find something more serious- such as http://www.match.com – which is actually quite effective. If you’re serious about finding a partner, I would recommend staying away from the free dating sites – the tinder, okcupid, plenty of fish sites of the world. These sites are geared more for hook-ups and personally, I think I’m just too old for it or maybe Brooklyn has broken me and I’m over the hook-up scene. #maturity.

3) Being with someone else. This has always been the hardest part for me of breaking up. You also have to step out of your comfort zone. You’re used to being with and interacting with a certain person. You’re used to their mannerisms and you’ve learned to pick up on certain cues they give you. You can tell when they’re sad, happy, in need of a hug or in need of being left alone. Now you have to learn all these things about whoever you’ll be seeing next, and chances are (unless you get really lucky) you’ll have to date several people before you find someone where everything just clicks. This brings me to my next point….

4) Don’t ever settle. No matter how long it takes you to find someone, keep going until you find someone where you “click”. I don’t think there’s a time frame on it and I don’t think you need to date 40 people to find the right one, or at least the right one right now. Whether it’s the first, second or thirty-fifth person you date, you should be EXCITED to see them, or hear from them. They should give you that feeling in your belly when you get a message or a phone call from them… and that feeling should never go away. I think the number one killer to a relationship is when you stop dating and stop flirting. You slowly begin to lose interest because the excitement starts going away. I believe in butterflies. I believe you should be so enthralled with the person you’re seeing that you never play games. You should want to see them as much as possible. You should look into their eyes and see nothing but bliss and joy and happiness. You should feel safe in their arms. This to me, is how you know you found someone worth keeping.

I don’t believe in being with someone because you’re used to them or because you rely on them or because you’re too co-dependent to be on your own. I can safely say that I’ve never felt like I’ve needed any man. Somehow this is offensive to some men but maybe I just look at it different. You’re in my life because I WANT you in it. “Needing”, to me, seems like a pathetic choke-hold on a situation. You should never NEED another person because we’re all mortal. Your significant other can get taken away from this planet at any given moment in time so you should always be surrounded in your life by those you WANT in your life who WANT you in theirs.

I think each relationship that ends is a building block and path way to finding what you truly want. Each relationship carries a lesson. I think the next person I choose to call mine will be absolutely incredible and will make me have a smile plastered from ear to ear on my face. I guess I’m just chasing happiness, and I know myself better now so I’m happy with me and that’s always the first step.

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What’s Your Favorite Wild Animal?

December 12, 2012 Leave a Comment

Okcupid.com has this question about which is more nerve racking for you – first dates or important interviews. Now NORMAL people would probably say important interviews but I beg to be different – and I’m sure I’m not the only one. See any interview can only go so badly being that you’re basing everything you’re discussing off of experience & off of things you know you can or can’t discuss during the interview. Whereas, on a first date, there’s not “can’t say this”.. there’s no official guide. Also, I feel like it’s less nerve racking to lose a job opportunity rather than lose some guy that perhaps you’ve been swooning over – but unlikely since men are childish pigs at best.

Let’s first talk about the fact that guys don’t even know how to ask someone out on a damn date. They say things like “Hey, want to go hang out on friday?” What if you guys are friends and you’ve been hanging out on fridays for the last like 2 years, how the hell am I supposed to know this friday is special? I’d have to wait for that awkward kiss attempt at the end of the night in order to discover you might like me. The only thing worse is the guy that tries to cop a feel on top of that or touches you. Like hello, we just met and you’ve tried to feel more of me than is kosher. I want to meet the guy that goes, “Hi, I like you and I want to take you out somewhere nice, how about ____.”

Since when are men so damn insecure that they can’t pick a place to eat? It’s nice of you to ask once, maybe, but if I say something like “anywhere is fine” then I mean that you should go and yelp some places all on your own and take me somewhere.  If you keep asking I will just assume you’re incompetent.. or don’t have a pair, which would you prefer?

Men should pay for the first date, under all circumstances. Girls have to do the fake “oh can I please pay for half” bit, but the man should pay. And if the man doesn’t pay… then you should never ever EVER see him again. Seriously. Men don’t take women out if you’re not actually taking them out. It’s not that complicated.

Although, I have heard that some women tend to be awful dates themselves – they ruin it for the rest of us. There are the women that message incessantly asking questions prior to the date, like how much can a guy really mess up? It’s not likely that he’s cooking the dinner you’ll be eating or producing the movie you’ll be sitting through, if you don’t like it.. that’s really the worst that will happen. Then there also the silent ones. What kind of woman are you if you don’t like to speak and snoop out information about your date immediately… where are your womanly detective skills?? Let’s be real now, it’s great when a man can “keep” a conversation but they aren’t supposed to be starting them. Get yourself together – he’s paying for you, the least you can do is speak. And if she doesn’t speak – then she can pay because chances are you don’t much care about ever seeing her again.

The topics of conversation on a first date tend to be awkward just by the nature of how things occur but primarily because people are idiots. If you were meeting someone of the opposite sex for the first time and not trying to get with them would you really talk about the weather? Or ask them ridiculous questions. Do you really care what my favorite wild animal is? The only reason that question would work for you in any way is at carnival if you were winning me a toy koala bear by playing some game. Otherwise, how the hell is that relevant for the future? Also, why do you ask about my past relationship on our FIRST date? Do you really want to know my dark side so quickly? Let’s keep some mystery here, we still have dates 2, 3, 4 & 5 to fill up  assuming you’re thinking with the proper “head” on your body.

One final bit of advice, if you’re the guy on a first date that’s actually going well and you go in for the kiss – don’t ask first. The asking for kisses thing is only cute when you’re already in a relationship. Otherwise it’s insecure.

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