Complacency is Death

August 13, 2016 Leave a Comment

This morning one of my close friends told me that she can’t open up her store in SoHo this morning because the “Body Acceptance Movement” is protesting outside her business.

Okay, before this becomes a rant on everything that’s wrong with “BAM”, I have to say that I believe that all people should love their bodies at every size. I believe, more specifically, all women should love themselves so much that it doesn’t matter what size they are.

That being said.. BAM.. which is essentially the Fat Acceptance Movement.. angers me like very few other things in this world. The fact that my friend is losing income and her beautiful clothes can’t be sold today because 20 morbidly obese people are SITTING outside her business, is unacceptable.

I make a living helping people. As a Financial Planner, I help them improve their money situations – I have helped people get out of debt, buy homes, grow their assets, send their kids to college, and even retire comfortably. As a Health Coach, I help people improve their health – I have helped diabetics minimize the effects diabetes has on their lives, helped countless people lose weight, helped people with eating disorders to gain weight in healthy ways, and helped people live better lives with Crohns, MS, and a wide variety of other illnesses with terrible symptoms.

All of the people I have helped have had one thing in common: they all want to improve their current situations.

I don’t understand people who get to a place in their life where not only do they give up on themselves, but they’re encouraging everyone to give up on them too.

My weight has fluctuated my whole adult life, I bounce around somewhere between a size 2 and a size 8 based on how I feed my body and whether or not I’m on a health kick. It’s been pretty stable the last 2.5 years since I found a lifestyle that works for me. I have loved myself at a size 2, and I have loved myself at a size 8. But I loved myself enough to get healthy and always try to make it better. If i wake up tired for a few days straight, I must be lacking something, I must not be getting enough Vitamin B in my diet, or I need to get to sleep sooner. SOMETHING. Something has to improve and I need to change something in my life. That’s the thinking process that I go through. When I’m at a size 8, I also get not-so-subtle nudges from my family members that I need to stop eating pasta and start eating kale.

But the Body Acceptance Movement is a different beast. It says that not only should we stop improving ourselves, it suggests that the people in our lives should also stop trying to help us improve. When you stop loving yourself, the ONE thing you should want is for everyone in your life to love you SO much that they don’t let you continue hurting yourself. Obesity is painful. It is painful to live in a world where everyone judges you, judges everything you put in your mouth, judges what you dress, judges how much space you take up. Obesity is MORE painful on the inside. Obesity makes people immobile. Obesity makes it hard to sleep, hard to move, hard to eat, hard to LIVE. If you are Obese, I honestly hope you have people in your life who love you so much that they help you get healthier. If you give up on yourself, that’s the moment you stop loving yourself. And by asking your family and those around you to “accept you” or rather give up on you, you are asking them to stop loving you too.

I believe that loving yourself at every size stems from loving yourself to better health. Size aside, there is clearly nothing healthy about being obese. All studies indicate that despite all possible issues, diseases, and illness – thyroid, diabetes, MS, etc., you can still control what you put in your body and how you treat it and that you can absolutely lose weight. Studies also show that because of obesity, we will literally be the first generation to not outlive our parents. Your “Body Acceptance” may literally kill you.

So this is essentially a plea. Please stop being complacent in your situation. Instead of asking your loved ones to accept you. Ask your loved ones to support you, help you, and love you so much that they force you to make better decisions, and help you improve your health. Ask them to be your accountability partners. Or ask a stranger or a co-worker or anyone you think will actually keep you honest.

I realize this is easier said than done but: Love yourself more than any challenge that presents itself in your life.

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Growth… It Often Looks Like Failure

May 17, 2016 1 Comment

I’ve spent the last two years or so of my life working on growing and developing myself. In particular I really wanted to get good at a few things:

  1. Staying positive no matter what is going on.
  2. Not letting negative people bring me down.
  3. Not negatively reacting or being bothered by other people and what they do/say.
  4. Waking up every day excited for the day.
  5. Going to sleep with a grateful heart.

Of the last two years, I can honestly say that there have very few days where I have accomplished all five things. However, I have steadily gotten better at doing all of them, in on way or another, and I am VERY good at noticing when I am not doing one of those 5 – and stopping to reassess my behavior.

It took me way too many negative nancy moment, way too many tears, way too many arguments with people on Facebook, and way too much frustration to realize I had a problem. I used to constantly argue about politics -and feel like banging my head against a wall when I couldn’t make every single member of my friends list agree with me. I used to argue all day about one thing or another until I realized it was eating up my life and a complete waste of energy. And more importantly – all the negatively, arguing, and frustration was getting me nowhere fast in terms of my life and my goals.

I’ve learned that growth involves a lot of failing forward.

I’ve gotten really good at being focused on my goals regardless of what my day is looking like, what obstacles come about or what random project gets thrown my way that throws off the next 87 days that I had planned down to 30-minute intervals. I’ve gotten good at focusing on what I need to get done, and gaining that “I’m accomplished” feeling. That feeling just feels so damn good #amiright?

At first, my approach to not letting negative people bother me was to simply block them all away. If I can’t see it.. it’s not really there, right? Yes, that’s right. But I’m also not learning how to deal with the negativity in a way that doesn’t affect me. So a few weeks ago I unblocked everyone on my block list and let pandora’s box be what it may. I must add though, that the unfollow button is a true blessing. No one likes a constant complainer… and I no longer need to see them whine about how awful it is that their Barista can’t get their name right ever or how TERRIBLE the MTA is every.single.day.

Now, I rarely argue on Facebook – there are a few special characters that can bring it out of me, but I always notice it and I always try to end things – make peace and move on with my day to being more productive. It used to eat up hours, now it eats up minutes (most of the time).. we’ll just call that growing because this one was particularly hard for me to do.

I finally have a job, work environment and all around life where I am excited for each of my days. I feel like I’m constantly helping people and feel like I’m growing personally and professionally. Both my day job – being a Financial Planner, and my evening personal gig- being a Health Coach, are personally rewarding in a thousand different ways. It’s frikkin’ awesome (and I am eternally grateful every single day)!

I have also gotten in the habit of writing out my gratitudes. I don’t do it everyday, but whether I do it before bed, when I first wake up, or dead center in the middle of a client meeting.. it still gets done… and it brings my entire perspective right back to what’s really important.

So fail forward. Fail forward every day to get closer and closer to whatever your personal goals are… I sure am!

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How to Pick a Financial Advisor

April 2, 2016 Leave a Comment

I know that I generally write about relationships, love, eating, etc etc. But today I really want to take time out to write on something that is so important in our world today and something that is seriously lacking.

I recently left a job at a large banking institution due to the many many unethical (in my opinion) on-goings that I was witnessing on a day-to-day basis. This is not to say that the institution itself is doing anything wrong, and it is not to say that everyone who works at a large bank is unethical (see- protecting my butt from getting sued over here!), but it is to say that many people who sign agreements with advisors.. have no idea what they’re signing and who they’re signing up with. So, I thought it would be helpful and important to put together a list of things to look out for, questions to ask, and information you should know before actually signing the agreement:

  1. The main question you should ask is if the advisor is obligated to live up to a “Fiduciary Standard” this means that they would be legally obligated to do what’s in your best interest… and be able to prove that that’s what they’re doing. The other type of standard that is common is the “Suitability Standard” which basically means as long as they can convince someone that whatever investments they recommended or put you in were suitable for you.. they’re fine. Basically, it’s horse sh*t. Stay away from advisors only held to a suitability standard.
  2. Ask about the qualifications of the advisor. In many large banking institutions, the only thing an advisor needs in order to work with clients is the passing of the Series 7 exam. While it’s a great exam for learning about options, it is not a great qualifier for being able to provide sound financial advice. I’ve seen several advisors unable to answer basic tax and estate planning questions because they simply aren’t qualified to do so and don’t have adequate knowledge. They can plug numbers into a financial software and generate an analysis that shows you’re 80% or 90% likely to achieve X amount of growth, but they can’t explain to you what those numbers actually mean to your life. Make sure they themselves or someone on their team has a CFP® (CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER PROFESSIONAL) designation on their team. Or a CPWA or a ChFC or a JD or something that goes beyond just what they need to be able to sell you things.
  3. Have them do a full financial planning analysis of EVERYTHING you have in your life before you agree to sign on with them. Make sure they’re able to discuss with you implications of your current investments/lack of investments going forward – ask about changes in the next 5,10,20, 30+ years. If you are unwilling to share information with someone and they want to bring you on anyway – that’s a huge red flag. A good advisor will not give out advice without knowing about everything going on in your financial life. They should ask about your banking accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, your family life, your goals, how much you spend, how much you’d like to spend, charitable inclinations, your estate plan – wills, trusts, power of attorney, your benefits from your job, social security – anything and everything that touches your financial life. If they don’t ask for these things.. walk away.
  4. If an advisor proposes a portfolio to you, ask detailed questions about what’s in it. Make sure you understand the TOTAL fees that will be charged to you. Oftentimes, aside from the management fees the advisor will charge you, there are also transactions fees, fund fees, marketing fees, and etc. Make sure you know what you’re paying because it will be charged from your portfolio. Ask questions related to changes that will be made once you hit certain life markers. What will change once you have kids? What will change when your kids go off to college? What will change once you retire? If the answers are really vague or that nothing will change… that’s a sign to walk away as well. A portfolio should change with changes that happens in your life.
  5. (This may be the most important of them all) Make sure the person feels good to you. I fully believe that the best people to work with are people you like. People you’d go out to dinner with. People you’d trust with your kids. Because ultimately, by handing over your assets to be managed by someone – that’s what you’re doing.. you’re trusting them with everything you have and your kids’ futures.. so if you don’t feel comfortable being in their office or they intimidate you in any way, don’t work with them.

I know that trusting someone with your assets is really difficult- especially in the post- 2008/2009 world. But just asking a few questions and really understanding what you’re signing up for can save a lot of heartache down the line. A good advisor will be ready, excited, and willing to educate you as much as they possibly can in order to give you comfort.

An advisor that just says “Trust me, I know this, and everything will be okay” is the biggest red flag out there.

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Happiness is a Moving Target

February 26, 2016 Leave a Comment

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what leads to true bliss and happiness in relationships. What the magical combination of ingredients is that leads to true everlasting love.

Now I realize that many people will say that there is no such thing as everlasting love, but I’m going to adamantly disagree with the sentiment upfront and disclose that I am your typical romantic. I fully believe we can fall head-over-heels in love at first sight and make it last a life time. I believe in high school sweet hearts. I believe in all the mushy gushy lovey dovey movie stuff. Feel free to judge.. because honestly, in the world of Tinder and Thrinder (is that how it’s spelled?) – it just keeps getting harder and harder to believe it. But for now, I’m not a love skeptic.

I think one of the most important things in a relationship is to have an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful for all the wonderful, lovely amazing things that your significant other does for you – and encourage the same in return. Thank you for picking me up from xyz, thank you for being there for me, thank you for listening, etc etc. Yes, all of these seemingly simple things are part of your normal healthy relationship, but expressing gratitude for those things.. just encourages more of them.

Secondly, and more importantly- don’t apologize all the time. Yes, sometimes we make mistakes, but other times the things we say “sorry” for were actually intentional actions. Sorry is a word that quickly loses its value when it’s overused. This goes for all your relationships! I used to be the constant apologizer “Sorry for canceling tonight, something came up” .. no I just want to sit home and not see anyone and I really shouldn’t have to apologize for that.

Part of not apologizing for our possibly awkward but still intentional actions is being ourselves. Every relationship is just a pre-qualification test for marriage (or whatever your long-term commitment variation of marriage might be) and the truth is that if you’re going to potentially spend 60+ years with someone, you might as well know that they can’t handle being social all the time, or that they leave their socks on the floor for 3 days. Don’t fake it until there’s a ring on it… or make excuses for your significant other if they have behaviors you can’t handle.

Be wholly unapologetically yourself!

Lastly, someone said something to me that really clicked home. Happiness is a moving target. What makes you happy when you’re 18 will be different than what makes you happy at 25 and 30 and 45 and so on. You will change. Your significant other will change and in order to stay happy in your relationship, you have to be able to effectively communicate those internal changes. And you have to accept whatever internal changes your significant other will go through during your lives together.. there will be many and you have to be prepared to deal with every single one of them. Or be subjected to a lifetime of arguing which is well.. miserable. I have many things to say to those people that think consistent arguing is a ‘normal’ part of a relationship.

The largest part of ALL of this is being happy with yourself and accepting all the internal changes that come your way. Spread the love people! Even Facebook has started encouraging it!

 

XOXO

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I Don’t Believe in Compromise

February 16, 2016 Leave a Comment

… I bet you’re like.. did this girl just tell me never to compromise? She must be batshit!

Webster Dictionary defines Compromise as the following: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions..

“Each side making concessions”… sounds like we’re all willingly signing ourselves up for disappointment. Why in the world would you want to sign up to be in a relationship where you’re constantly disappointed and so is your partner? Who wants to give a little all the time? Why wouldn’t you want to live in the ‘extreme’ and just be happy as often as possible?

It is my honest opinion that we need to redefine compromise and how your typical relationship works. 

Let’s try this on for size: If something is MORE important to your significant other than it is to you.. go with what your significant other wants. The opposite is, of course, also true. If something is extremely important to you.. more so than it is to your partner.. don’t battle over it.. just make it clear how important it is.

How many problems are created by both partners being somewhat disappointed ALL THE TIME? Based on this new definition, disappointment would briefly occur for the one partner that doesn’t get his/her way. However, you will be rewarded with a partner who is not disappointed in any way and is instead, hopefully, very happy.

We need to give up on the idea that you’re always going to be happy with every single thing your significant other does, but your ultimate goal should be to make each other as happy as possible. Wouldn’t it be better if we agreed to base our “compromises” based on priorities? You’d be happiest on the things that matter MOST to YOU!

Obviously, your significant other would have to agree to this otherwise you’re forever giving into things and getting nothing back and that will leave you in a very disappointing one-sided relationship.

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Consistency is Everything

January 24, 2016 Leave a Comment

Happy New Year!

Alright, that’s all you get. Mostly because you’ve probably long forgotten about all your wonderful New Year’s goals and ALL the changes you’ve promised yourself you’re going to make in #2016. (This is your super sweet reminder to refresh those goals before it’s November!)

Thinking about New Year’s resolutions and how so many people have already let theirs go down the drain, I started thinking about everything else we probably promise to do on a regular basis and quickly forget about.

Eating healthy, exercising, cooking at home more often, calling our friends and family members, spending more quality time, reading, writing a blog, keeping our closets organized, and maybe even showing love and affection.

All of these things that we aim to be better at – to do more of. They seem to slip into the cracks of “life”. Complaining about our jobs, about our bosses, focusing on everything our significant others don’t do, drama with friends – these are the things we tend to draw our attention to. The things we seem to focus on.

A brilliant and favorite author of mine – Rod Hairston says the following:

“What you Focus on you Find, What you Focus on Grows, What you Focus on Seems Real, What you Focus on You Become.”

So before you forget about all those things that seem to fade away quickly after January 1st of every year – ask yourself who you want to become?

Oftentimes, we find ourselves in places we never actually aimed to go. Does the alcoholic take a sip of beer and decide he wants to ruin his life by becoming a slave to alcohol? Probably not. I’ve coached hundreds of people who wanted to lose weight and NONE of them ever set a goal to gain it in the first place. They just “ended up” there.

So much of who we actually become has to do with our daily habits. Our unconscious choices. Our day-in and day-out actions and inactions. They’re the ones that actually create our outcomes.

So let’s actually make #2016 different. Let’s change our every day. Let’s figure out who/what we want to become and get there through consistent daily action.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU! (I really feel like this is an appropriate way to end this)

 

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Settling is for Wussies

December 1, 2015 1 Comment

I used to think that there is always something in life that we have to settle for. How many people do you know that stay at a job they hate? Stay in a relationship with someone who is “fine”? Stay in crappy apartments because it’s a process to look for something new?

We all know someone, maybe even ourselves, who is settling for something in their lives. I will be very open and tell you that I used to be that person in almost every aspect.

I went to graduate school primarily to appease my family who thinks a regular college degree is not enough. I had a really stable, safe, boring job where I wanted to blow my brains out every morning going to it, but I also knew I’d never be fired and it was really easy. I had some pretty mediocre friends, the ones who would be awesome at parties but don’t actually care about your wellbeing.. a whole large circle of them. And lastly, I had a relationship with that guy that was really good on paper, except he excited me about as much as watching baseball does (read: not at all.. what a stupid boring sport…but hey.. hot dogs!). And mostly, I was settling on me, I had accepted that I would never achieve exceptional things, that I would never have the dream life for myself, and that I was done growing.

Boy, how silly that was!

I started with making small changes – a diet change, a life style change, exploring and doing new things, meeting new people through a new business pursuit, dropping one “friend” at a time (or sometimes three in a day.. because why not?), ending the relationship, moving out on my own, meeting someone new, falling in love with someone incredible, and then changing my job. The entire journey (which is still not even close to being over) has taught me that I absolutely love growing and changing. I’ve fallen in love with the unknown and fallen in love with being unsettled.

Of course, I’m still finishing graduate school, and honestly, a part of me wishes I hadn’t spent the time doing it. But I also realized that no one ever regrets getting an MBA degree.. so whatever! I’m now extra over-qualified!

But the point of this post wasn’t to tell you to get a graduate degree to make your parents happy. It was to tell you that you can create whatever kind of life you want. No, it won’t happen over night. It took me well over a year to about 40% of the way to what I envision.. and that’s where I am now. But that’s okay, I’ve fallen in love with the process. I try new things and explore new options all the time. I don’t shy away from new experiences the way I used to, instead, I welcome them and see if the new experience can fit into the life I want and the person I want to be. Today, I choose to be happy and cheerful. I’ll probably choose the same tomorrow. But it’s a choice for me. Just like it’s a choice for you. So if you have something in your life that’s maybe just “okay” – whatever that may be – go about changing it! Start now.. like right now.. GO!

 

We’re all a work in progress… be the best damn work in progress you can be!

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Overanalyzing: The Killer of Happiness

November 5, 2015 Leave a Comment

If you’re anything like me, you’re prone to over thinking every single action, text, phone call, or the lack of any of the aforementioned items. I have suffered an unmentionable amount of anxiety and unhappiness because of my ability to find something to overanalyze in every single situation in life, relationships, friendships, and everything in-between. And then I stopped and started to just live.

I used to sit there and ponder over every single little thing. What does this mean? But what if it means this instead? What if this text wasn’t meant to go to me? What if it’s a lie? What if he’s actually with his ex-girlfriend right now and not “stuck in traffic”? Sound familiar? Oh, okay.. so I’m not the only insecure girl that ever lived.

The truth that I’ve come to realize is that the habit to overanalyze every situation is really a form of insecurity. A pretty damaging form. If you live in a place where you doubt every single person’s intentions, actions, and words then you aren’t really living in the real world. You’re living in a bubble where every one is out to lie to you or manipulate you in some way, shape, or form. That’s not the right way to approach living, it’s the way we approach it when we live in fear of the unknown instead of accepting what is.

I also realized that when I do or say things, I want people to take me at face value and not try to read and analyze more into it…. so why shouldn’t I give people that same courtesy?

Fear, insecurity, overanalyzing – they all come from past experiences that may have hurt us. We’ve all been there. The problems come in when we try to project our past hurts onto our present and our future. Living in fear, in pain, in hurt is wasting the little time we have on Earth to be happy, to experience, and to smile.

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Look For a Partner

October 12, 2015 Leave a Comment

One of the most important things in a relationship is to always be on each other’s team.

This may seem obvious to some people but to others, the ones who always feel like they’re fighting a losing battle, to the ones that are in strained relationships, the ones who are ready to give up.. don’t. Just remember these very simple words:

You Are On The Same Side

It’s an incredibly easy concept to think about but an incredibly difficult one to put into practice. Especially once someone hurts us or we feel emotionally injured by them. We like to go searching for our pride instead of realizing that as teammates, you have to figure out what your points of tension are and work through them.. TOGETHER.

What makes a partner different than a soulmate or a lover? A partner is: A companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants. But that doesn’t happen instantly. It happens over time, through many open and honest and non-prideful conversations. It happens through happiness and joy and pain and a lot of love. And a lot of work.

Oftentimes we end up in these roller coaster ride relationships, the ones that eat away at our soul, and leave our hearts shattered. I’ve come to believe that those are absolutely necessary for our growth. I think you have to experience unbelievable heart-wrenching pain in order to properly experience unbelievably and wonderful blissful love. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself after all I’ve been through. Because none of the past seems to matter once you’re in that blissful state. Once you’ve found the right hand to hold, the right person to lean on and learn from, and the kind of love you always imagined but weren’t quite sure you’d ever find.

Wherever you go chasing for love; look for a hand to hold.. not a heart to grasp onto.

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Day to Day

October 27, 2014 Leave a Comment

Oftentimes we go through each of our days without any particular goals  or dreams in mind. We’re just kind of rolling along in life. I think this is probably most common while you’re a student and while you’re somewhere in the middle of your career. Everything just kind of… goes. And instead of trying to pick a direction for it, we just roll with the routine. We don’t even pay attention to the people we’re meeting on a regular basis and our friendships become stagnant.

Wow, how frikkin’ depressing is that!

The big key that we’re missing in all this is the people we skip out on the chance to get to know. This can be anyone – your Uber driver (some of the friendliest people I’ve ever met), the girl at the coffee shop you frequent everyday, the guy who takes your lunch order, the mail man, etc. (Keep in mind, this is not a running list of people you MAY have the opportunity to sleep with). Getting to know these people COULD potentially break you out of your routine since you might find yourself in a whole new circle of friends with a whole new set of places to frequent.

We often underestimate the role that other people can play in our lives. Who we meet and choose to spend our time with could determine way more than just where we go on Friday and Saturday nights. They could be the reason we get a new job, switch careers, or the reason we meet our future spouses. Each person you meet brings something to your life. Sometimes it’s a lesson to be as far away from that person forever as possible. But other times, it’s that we’re beautiful people with a lot to share and have the potential to bring value to the lives of the people we meet.

Get to know your neighbors – partially so maybe they won’t kill you – but also because they might be really awesome people!

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