Recently I’ve been feeling like every time I take my dog outside something absolutely ridiculous happens that makes me want to hit someone over the head with my least favorite accounting textbook. So below is a list of “fun facts” as well the ridiculous experiences that correspond.

1. Dogs can tell that you’re human. Some dude seriously barked at my dog, several times, and then asked me why my dog wasn’t responding to his barking and said there’s something wrong with my dog. No dude, there’s something wrong with you. Dogs can tell that the bark coming from your mouth is not one that belongs to another dog. #thatsnothowitworksbro.

2. I know my dog better than you know my dog. So my dog is a mixed breed, he’s a cockalier (half american cocker spaniel and half king charles cavalier spaniel) but he looks very close to a regular cocker. People often try to convince me that my dog is some sort of weird mix. “He’s not a cocker at all! He’s a german shepherd shitsu!” What?! Are you blind? I also get “OMG we have the same dog, don’t you just love poodles?”. Have you looked at your dog lately, because my dog looks about as much like a poodle as your dog does a doberman. 

3. Your shitty little rugrat needs training, not my dog. If your little weasel sticks his disgusting fingers into my dog’s eyes or mouth then he will get bitten and it’s not my dog that needs help… it’s you and your child. Put that thing on a leash, will ya? If your kid squeals, at decibel levels that would wake dead people, why are you surprised that my dog is barking? If i could, I would bark at that level of irritation too. 

4. It is not my dog’s job to stay away from you, it is your job to stay away from my dog. If you’re afraid of my dog then walk away, cross the street, move aside… just pick something and do it but don’t stand there in the middle of the street and say “Can your dog move” . No, he’s a dog, he wants to strut in the middle of the street and he won’t move for your royally stupid self. 

5. My dog doesn’t HAVE to like you. Dogs, like many people, do not like every single person they meet. Sometimes, he will be very happy to hand you a paw and say hello and let you pet him. Other times, he just wants to get on with his walk and doesn’t care about your existence. Why are you offended? He doesn’t owe you anything! You’re actually nobody to him. Start feeding him, he’ll gain more interest, I promise.

6. Don’t feed my dog without my consent. I really never thought this would be a situation but I was walking by a restaurant the other day and some guy just threw his chicken wing at my dog. Without asking me or anything. So I picked it up with a plastic bag and handed it back to the guy and said “no, thank you”. Apparently I’m the asshole in this situation… he made sure to let me know. 

7. I like my dog better than I will ever potentially like you. I would throw you under a bus to save my dog. I’m just going to leave it at that. 

8. I will not tie my dog up for you. If you’re a store that doesn’t allow my dog to go in with me, for whatever reason, I simply won’t shop at your store. There are other stores that will be happy to have my dog and I as patrons and those are the ones I will frequent. Usually, I don’t ever stop by stores on dog walks, but on the occasions that I absolutely can’t escape it, I already know the places in my neighborhood that know that they will simply charge me for anything my dog might ruin – it’s that simple. Plus, he never ruins anything meanwhile there’s a shitty little 7 year old knocking things off shelves and that’s not a problem at all! 

I think that’s all I have for today. Have any other dog owners experienced any frustrations lately?