Settling is for Wussies

December 1, 2015 1 Comment

I used to think that there is always something in life that we have to settle for. How many people do you know that stay at a job they hate? Stay in a relationship with someone who is “fine”? Stay in crappy apartments because it’s a process to look for something new?

We all know someone, maybe even ourselves, who is settling for something in their lives. I will be very open and tell you that I used to be that person in almost every aspect.

I went to graduate school primarily to appease my family who thinks a regular college degree is not enough. I had a really stable, safe, boring job where I wanted to blow my brains out every morning going to it, but I also knew I’d never be fired and it was really easy. I had some pretty mediocre friends, the ones who would be awesome at parties but don’t actually care about your wellbeing.. a whole large circle of them. And lastly, I had a relationship with that guy that was really good on paper, except he excited me about as much as watching baseball does (read: not at all.. what a stupid boring sport…but hey.. hot dogs!). And mostly, I was settling on me, I had accepted that I would never achieve exceptional things, that I would never have the dream life for myself, and that I was done growing.

Boy, how silly that was!

I started with making small changes – a diet change, a life style change, exploring and doing new things, meeting new people through a new business pursuit, dropping one “friend” at a time (or sometimes three in a day.. because why not?), ending the relationship, moving out on my own, meeting someone new, falling in love with someone incredible, and then changing my job. The entire journey (which is still not even close to being over) has taught me that I absolutely love growing and changing. I’ve fallen in love with the unknown and fallen in love with being unsettled.

Of course, I’m still finishing graduate school, and honestly, a part of me wishes I hadn’t spent the time doing it. But I also realized that no one ever regrets getting an MBA degree.. so whatever! I’m now extra over-qualified!

But the point of this post wasn’t to tell you to get a graduate degree to make your parents happy. It was to tell you that you can create whatever kind of life you want. No, it won’t happen over night. It took me well over a year to about 40% of the way to what I envision.. and that’s where I am now. But that’s okay, I’ve fallen in love with the process. I try new things and explore new options all the time. I don’t shy away from new experiences the way I used to, instead, I welcome them and see if the new experience can fit into the life I want and the person I want to be. Today, I choose to be happy and cheerful. I’ll probably choose the same tomorrow. But it’s a choice for me. Just like it’s a choice for you. So if you have something in your life that’s maybe just “okay” – whatever that may be – go about changing it! Start now.. like right now.. GO!

 

We’re all a work in progress… be the best damn work in progress you can be!

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Overanalyzing: The Killer of Happiness

November 5, 2015 Leave a Comment

If you’re anything like me, you’re prone to over thinking every single action, text, phone call, or the lack of any of the aforementioned items. I have suffered an unmentionable amount of anxiety and unhappiness because of my ability to find something to overanalyze in every single situation in life, relationships, friendships, and everything in-between. And then I stopped and started to just live.

I used to sit there and ponder over every single little thing. What does this mean? But what if it means this instead? What if this text wasn’t meant to go to me? What if it’s a lie? What if he’s actually with his ex-girlfriend right now and not “stuck in traffic”? Sound familiar? Oh, okay.. so I’m not the only insecure girl that ever lived.

The truth that I’ve come to realize is that the habit to overanalyze every situation is really a form of insecurity. A pretty damaging form. If you live in a place where you doubt every single person’s intentions, actions, and words then you aren’t really living in the real world. You’re living in a bubble where every one is out to lie to you or manipulate you in some way, shape, or form. That’s not the right way to approach living, it’s the way we approach it when we live in fear of the unknown instead of accepting what is.

I also realized that when I do or say things, I want people to take me at face value and not try to read and analyze more into it…. so why shouldn’t I give people that same courtesy?

Fear, insecurity, overanalyzing – they all come from past experiences that may have hurt us. We’ve all been there. The problems come in when we try to project our past hurts onto our present and our future. Living in fear, in pain, in hurt is wasting the little time we have on Earth to be happy, to experience, and to smile.

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Ignore Your Friends… and those Crazy Voices in Your Head

October 27, 2015 Leave a Comment

Okay, I’m officially drawing a line.

There is a very big line between what actually exists in reality, the voices in our heads & the red flags we seem to attribute to various occurrences in our relationships.

I can’t tell you how many times my friends have come to me asking if something is a red flag. My answer is always “it depends”. I’m not really sure how I can answer that for someone because I’m not involved in the day-to-day happenings, emotions and exchanges that occur between the couple. Primarily, I have no idea what kind of foundation someone has built in their relationship and perhaps a significant other speaking with an ex would be  major problem for some – where the foundation is less than solid and built up on some ply wood, while others have built a strong foundation and even lacquered the floors!

It’s amazing how many problems can be caused by well-intentioned friends offering well-intentioned advice. But the truth is that they can’t possibly know what they’re offering advice on. They aren’t you. You can’t take someone else’s problems, issues, and experiences and apply them universally across all situations. Life doesn’t work that way and most of the time the best way to work out issues or doubts that come up in a relationship is to just discuss them with your significant other.

No one else can know your relationship, how strong it is, how many insecurities you’ve formed because of it, and possibly how crazy it makes you every single day that you’re in it. Maybe it doesn’t make you crazy at all. Maybe your significant other has done absolutely nothing to make you not trust them but you’re projecting insecurities from the past onto your current relationship. If this is you. Stop. Like right now. And go apologize to your significant other for projecting your personal problems onto them.

We all have junk in our past to look back on… some more than others but generally speaking, if we wanted to bring in past problems into new relationships, we could all do a good job of scaring people away quite quickly. But that’s not what new relationships are for. It’s not about your past. It’s about trying to build a new future.. possibly together. Why would you want to take away from that by involving your past? Might as well invite your ex to next sleepover party you have. Sound crazy, doesn’t it? Well that’s what you’re doing if you’re bringing issues from the past into your new relationship.

The only thing you should be concerned about is finding new ways to amaze, excite and love your significant other every change you get.

P.S. You get bonus points if you can find all the apartment hunting related analogies in this post.

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Look For a Partner

October 12, 2015 Leave a Comment

One of the most important things in a relationship is to always be on each other’s team.

This may seem obvious to some people but to others, the ones who always feel like they’re fighting a losing battle, to the ones that are in strained relationships, the ones who are ready to give up.. don’t. Just remember these very simple words:

You Are On The Same Side

It’s an incredibly easy concept to think about but an incredibly difficult one to put into practice. Especially once someone hurts us or we feel emotionally injured by them. We like to go searching for our pride instead of realizing that as teammates, you have to figure out what your points of tension are and work through them.. TOGETHER.

What makes a partner different than a soulmate or a lover? A partner is: A companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants. But that doesn’t happen instantly. It happens over time, through many open and honest and non-prideful conversations. It happens through happiness and joy and pain and a lot of love. And a lot of work.

Oftentimes we end up in these roller coaster ride relationships, the ones that eat away at our soul, and leave our hearts shattered. I’ve come to believe that those are absolutely necessary for our growth. I think you have to experience unbelievable heart-wrenching pain in order to properly experience unbelievably and wonderful blissful love. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself after all I’ve been through. Because none of the past seems to matter once you’re in that blissful state. Once you’ve found the right hand to hold, the right person to lean on and learn from, and the kind of love you always imagined but weren’t quite sure you’d ever find.

Wherever you go chasing for love; look for a hand to hold.. not a heart to grasp onto.

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It’s All About the Butterflies

September 21, 2015 Leave a Comment

I’ve been handing out relationship advice for a long time now and recently someone asked me what in the world qualified me to do so. My answer was simple (and brilliant): I’m quite good at learning from my mistakes. But then I really got to think about it and the answer is actually the opposite. I’m really good at learning from my successes.

Instead of focusing on all the things that went wrong in previous relationships and all the things I could learn, all the mistakes I made and etc., I do the exact opposite. I focus on all the good stuff. I focus on the times I smiled the most and the little things that made me the happiest in the past. I think about all the things I’ve done that worked in favor of the relationship and things that made it stronger/better/happier.

You see, I’m not counting successful relationships as those that lasted the longest. Sometimes, the relationships in which you made the most mistakes, the ones that were gut-wrenching and painful were the longest. Probably not a good example of things you want going forward. You probably want to think about when you were the most excited to wake up each day. So even if that relationship lasted a month.. why not learn from it?

One of the most important things I learned is that both parties have to contribute to keeping the “butterflies” in the relationship. Little surprises, sweet gifts, delicious home-cooked meals, naked greetings at the door (you know.. for some) or whatever else will make the other person turn their head… and smile.

I don’t often get personal and specific… okay that’s a lie… I try to be coy but I fail epically. But here goes:

Before I first met my current boyfriend we spoke for like 2 weeks.. on the phone, via text, and lots of selfies were exchanged too. I was SO nervous to meet him. I must have sent pics of my outfit that day to like 8 of my friends to make sure it said “I’m cool and awesome and I woke up likes this!” I was literally shaking when he picked me up and I got in his car. We only had a few hours together that day before I had to catch a flight so I knew it had to go well. Afterwords, I was still shaking. I was so excited that I had met this person and spent a couple hours with him. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Flash forward to over a year later: Before every single weekend I spend with my boyfriend, I feel those exact same butterflies. I get excited to see him, to spend time with him. Every time he kisses me, I get excited, I plan an entire weekend worth of outfits because I never know what we’re going to do and I always want him to be impressed by how I look… even in my leggings and tees… because I work on my butt on the regular. On Monday morning when I’m sitting at the office all I think about is how awesome the weekend was, how many smiles were exchanged and what new and exciting things I can come up with for the next weekend.

But here’s the key… I want HIM to be impressed. All of everything I do and plan and focus on is about trying to surprise him and make him smile. It’s not about me. It’s about us and our relationship and making it better for both of us. Because honestly, what’s better than your man smiling at you?

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Happiness is…

December 16, 2014 1 Comment

I spend a lot of time thinking about happiness. Mostly because life is pretty damn short and if you aren’t enjoying yourself with whatever it is you’re doing then what’s the point?

Happiness is so many things. You can define it as the little things that make you happy on a daily/ongoing basis or the big picture things that make you chase your dreams. You can define it with the positive emotions you feel towards people or situations. However one choose to define it, it’s a display of who you are on an authentic and deep level. So, in an effort to be more vulnerable in general as a person… here are my ways of defining it:

Happiness is doggy cuddles.

Happiness is waking up with someone’s arms wrapped around you.

Happiness is incredibly delicious food.

Happiness is cooking & watching someone enjoy the food I make.

Happiness is anything related to Friends, the TV show.

Happiness is shoulder kisses.

Happiness is a walk when it’s the absolute perfect temperature outside.

Happiness is skiing.

Happiness is gratitude from a client after you’ve put a lot of work into helping them.

Happiness is being in the same room as family, friends & loved ones.

Happiness is crawling into a warm comfortable bed at night.

Happiness is the smell of fresh pine.

I welcome all of you to share what makes you extra happy!

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A Brand New World….

September 2, 2014 Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about those times when you re-enter the dating world. I feel like there’s now a series of steps involved that everyone dreads and tries to avoid as much as possible but it’s inevitable – so I say.. RIP THE BAND- AID OFF!

1) You have to do the facebook relationship status change. Oh this is dramatic. You get all the “OH MY GOSH! What happened?!” messages. And then, if you’re a girl, they slowly transition to creepy guys adding you and trying to message you. So.not.cool. But eventually it all cools down & you begin to figure out how to split up the mutual friend circle that you built with your ex which can be a dramatic process unless you have the greatest friends in the world! LIKE ME! (this is a shameless shout out to my amazing friends <3)

2) You have to start putting yourself out there. Now, if you’ve been following my posts then you know that I entertain the world of online dating. This time around, I actually went for the paid sites in an effort to find something more serious- such as http://www.match.com – which is actually quite effective. If you’re serious about finding a partner, I would recommend staying away from the free dating sites – the tinder, okcupid, plenty of fish sites of the world. These sites are geared more for hook-ups and personally, I think I’m just too old for it or maybe Brooklyn has broken me and I’m over the hook-up scene. #maturity.

3) Being with someone else. This has always been the hardest part for me of breaking up. You also have to step out of your comfort zone. You’re used to being with and interacting with a certain person. You’re used to their mannerisms and you’ve learned to pick up on certain cues they give you. You can tell when they’re sad, happy, in need of a hug or in need of being left alone. Now you have to learn all these things about whoever you’ll be seeing next, and chances are (unless you get really lucky) you’ll have to date several people before you find someone where everything just clicks. This brings me to my next point….

4) Don’t ever settle. No matter how long it takes you to find someone, keep going until you find someone where you “click”. I don’t think there’s a time frame on it and I don’t think you need to date 40 people to find the right one, or at least the right one right now. Whether it’s the first, second or thirty-fifth person you date, you should be EXCITED to see them, or hear from them. They should give you that feeling in your belly when you get a message or a phone call from them… and that feeling should never go away. I think the number one killer to a relationship is when you stop dating and stop flirting. You slowly begin to lose interest because the excitement starts going away. I believe in butterflies. I believe you should be so enthralled with the person you’re seeing that you never play games. You should want to see them as much as possible. You should look into their eyes and see nothing but bliss and joy and happiness. You should feel safe in their arms. This to me, is how you know you found someone worth keeping.

I don’t believe in being with someone because you’re used to them or because you rely on them or because you’re too co-dependent to be on your own. I can safely say that I’ve never felt like I’ve needed any man. Somehow this is offensive to some men but maybe I just look at it different. You’re in my life because I WANT you in it. “Needing”, to me, seems like a pathetic choke-hold on a situation. You should never NEED another person because we’re all mortal. Your significant other can get taken away from this planet at any given moment in time so you should always be surrounded in your life by those you WANT in your life who WANT you in theirs.

I think each relationship that ends is a building block and path way to finding what you truly want. Each relationship carries a lesson. I think the next person I choose to call mine will be absolutely incredible and will make me have a smile plastered from ear to ear on my face. I guess I’m just chasing happiness, and I know myself better now so I’m happy with me and that’s always the first step.

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What’s Your Favorite Wild Animal?

December 12, 2012 Leave a Comment

Okcupid.com has this question about which is more nerve racking for you – first dates or important interviews. Now NORMAL people would probably say important interviews but I beg to be different – and I’m sure I’m not the only one. See any interview can only go so badly being that you’re basing everything you’re discussing off of experience & off of things you know you can or can’t discuss during the interview. Whereas, on a first date, there’s not “can’t say this”.. there’s no official guide. Also, I feel like it’s less nerve racking to lose a job opportunity rather than lose some guy that perhaps you’ve been swooning over – but unlikely since men are childish pigs at best.

Let’s first talk about the fact that guys don’t even know how to ask someone out on a damn date. They say things like “Hey, want to go hang out on friday?” What if you guys are friends and you’ve been hanging out on fridays for the last like 2 years, how the hell am I supposed to know this friday is special? I’d have to wait for that awkward kiss attempt at the end of the night in order to discover you might like me. The only thing worse is the guy that tries to cop a feel on top of that or touches you. Like hello, we just met and you’ve tried to feel more of me than is kosher. I want to meet the guy that goes, “Hi, I like you and I want to take you out somewhere nice, how about ____.”

Since when are men so damn insecure that they can’t pick a place to eat? It’s nice of you to ask once, maybe, but if I say something like “anywhere is fine” then I mean that you should go and yelp some places all on your own and take me somewhere.  If you keep asking I will just assume you’re incompetent.. or don’t have a pair, which would you prefer?

Men should pay for the first date, under all circumstances. Girls have to do the fake “oh can I please pay for half” bit, but the man should pay. And if the man doesn’t pay… then you should never ever EVER see him again. Seriously. Men don’t take women out if you’re not actually taking them out. It’s not that complicated.

Although, I have heard that some women tend to be awful dates themselves – they ruin it for the rest of us. There are the women that message incessantly asking questions prior to the date, like how much can a guy really mess up? It’s not likely that he’s cooking the dinner you’ll be eating or producing the movie you’ll be sitting through, if you don’t like it.. that’s really the worst that will happen. Then there also the silent ones. What kind of woman are you if you don’t like to speak and snoop out information about your date immediately… where are your womanly detective skills?? Let’s be real now, it’s great when a man can “keep” a conversation but they aren’t supposed to be starting them. Get yourself together – he’s paying for you, the least you can do is speak. And if she doesn’t speak – then she can pay because chances are you don’t much care about ever seeing her again.

The topics of conversation on a first date tend to be awkward just by the nature of how things occur but primarily because people are idiots. If you were meeting someone of the opposite sex for the first time and not trying to get with them would you really talk about the weather? Or ask them ridiculous questions. Do you really care what my favorite wild animal is? The only reason that question would work for you in any way is at carnival if you were winning me a toy koala bear by playing some game. Otherwise, how the hell is that relevant for the future? Also, why do you ask about my past relationship on our FIRST date? Do you really want to know my dark side so quickly? Let’s keep some mystery here, we still have dates 2, 3, 4 & 5 to fill up  assuming you’re thinking with the proper “head” on your body.

One final bit of advice, if you’re the guy on a first date that’s actually going well and you go in for the kiss – don’t ask first. The asking for kisses thing is only cute when you’re already in a relationship. Otherwise it’s insecure.

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