Many people – particularly the members of the Russian population of Brooklyn (namely Sheepshead Bay)- enjoy the party scene in New York. Except they create their own version of parties .. an absolutely absurd spectacle that repeats itself on weekend nights nearly every week that people are constantly forced to go to.. you can’t not show up (no seriously…it’s non-negotiable). Frankly it’s one of the more embarrassing aspects of my cultural group – though quite the amusing shit show when you’re there.

For all you non-Russians – these events take place at huge Russian restaurants/banquet halls. Just to name a few you have Chinar, Passage, Baku, Chateau d’ Alik, Paradise, etc. They include dinner, dancing, and excessive drinking. Sounds like a blast right?

All these events are ways for people to gather their 90 closest family members and “friends” and expect them to dress as if they’re meeting the Queen of England at a ball. If you don’t dress as such, prepare to be talked about for WEEKS on end in conversations between your closest family and friends that all run along the lines of “Larisa, did you see what Svetlana was wearing?! It’s as if she was going to the bazaar for bread not to a party!”  How COULD YOU NOT wear a diamond encrusted ball gown to a random restaurant in Sheepshead Bay?! And God forbid you’re a woman who brings a “non-approved” date with you. You must bring someone babushka will love otherwise prepare to hear about what an embarrassment you are to your family for the next month or so. Followed by offerings by random family members to pay you off to dump this “unacceptable” man.

Now on to the most ridiculous performances and performers that the world has EVER seen. Be prepared to see some black Russian singing transvestite parading on the stage, in a Cher style ball gown, with 2 back up singers that look like they walked straight out of playboy and onto the stage in front of you. Somehow they ALL sing perfectly well in English, Russian, Italian, French & sometimes even Spanish.  They all have the same dance move.. which involves taking tiny steps in each direction back and forth in rhythm to the music…. Except for the main singer who will stomp around back and forth across the entire stage and occasionally lean into the crowd- nearly falling face first off the stage. And in every restaurant the song selection varies based on how old or young the crowd is. The older they are.. the more Russian folk music you will be hearing- interspersed of course with some Kanye West. Completely normal.

Dinner consists of what seems to be never ending variations of the same dish. Really.. how many ways can you make potato salad? And this meal is served over the course of about 6 hours – because obviously every one must dance between each bite .. oh and take vodka shots. By the way, everyone brings their own bottles – you spend weeks collecting the alcohol necessary for one of these events because a 1 liter bottle of Vodka will last exactly 6 minutes. Normally you start eating around 10pm (of course you made reservations for 8 but Russians wouldn’t be Russian if we didn’t show up “fashionably late”) and by the time you’re done and all the grandpas are hitting on all the 17 year olds.. It’s about 4:30 am and it’s time to go to El Greco for breakfast.

On that note.. I’m gonna go get some food!