How to Pick a Financial Advisor

I know that I generally write about relationships, love, eating, etc etc. But today I really want to take time out to write on something that is so important in our world today and something that is seriously lacking.

I recently left a job at a large banking institution due to the many many unethical (in my opinion) on-goings that I was witnessing on a day-to-day basis. This is not to say that the institution itself is doing anything wrong, and it is not to say that everyone who works at a large bank is unethical (see- protecting my butt from getting sued over here!), but it is to say that many people who sign agreements with advisors.. have no idea what they’re signing and who they’re signing up with. So, I thought it would be helpful and important to put together a list of things to look out for, questions to ask, and information you should know before actually signing the agreement:

  1. The main question you should ask is if the advisor is obligated to live up to a “Fiduciary Standard” this means that they would be legally obligated to do what’s in your best interest… and be able to prove that that’s what they’re doing. The other type of standard that is common is the “Suitability Standard” which basically means as long as they can convince someone that whatever investments they recommended or put you in were suitable for you.. they’re fine. Basically, it’s horse sh*t. Stay away from advisors only held to a suitability standard.
  2. Ask about the qualifications of the advisor. In many large banking institutions, the only thing an advisor needs in order to work with clients is the passing of the Series 7 exam. While it’s a great exam for learning about options, it is not a great qualifier for being able to provide sound financial advice. I’ve seen several advisors unable to answer basic tax and estate planning questions because they simply aren’t qualified to do so and don’t have adequate knowledge. They can plug numbers into a financial software and generate an analysis that shows you’re 80% or 90% likely to achieve X amount of growth, but they can’t explain to you what those numbers actually mean to your life. Make sure they themselves or someone on their team has a CFP® (CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER PROFESSIONAL) designation on their team. Or a CPWA or a ChFC or a JD or something that goes beyond just what they need to be able to sell you things.
  3. Have them do a full financial planning analysis of EVERYTHING you have in your life before you agree to sign on with them. Make sure they’re able to discuss with you implications of your current investments/lack of investments going forward – ask about changes in the next 5,10,20, 30+ years. If you are unwilling to share information with someone and they want to bring you on anyway – that’s a huge red flag. A good advisor will not give out advice without knowing about everything going on in your financial life. They should ask about your banking accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, your family life, your goals, how much you spend, how much you’d like to spend, charitable inclinations, your estate plan – wills, trusts, power of attorney, your benefits from your job, social security – anything and everything that touches your financial life. If they don’t ask for these things.. walk away.
  4. If an advisor proposes a portfolio to you, ask detailed questions about what’s in it. Make sure you understand the TOTAL fees that will be charged to you. Oftentimes, aside from the management fees the advisor will charge you, there are also transactions fees, fund fees, marketing fees, and etc. Make sure you know what you’re paying because it will be charged from your portfolio. Ask questions related to changes that will be made once you hit certain life markers. What will change once you have kids? What will change when your kids go off to college? What will change once you retire? If the answers are really vague or that nothing will change… that’s a sign to walk away as well. A portfolio should change with changes that happens in your life.
  5. (This may be the most important of them all) Make sure the person feels good to you. I fully believe that the best people to work with are people you like. People you’d go out to dinner with. People you’d trust with your kids. Because ultimately, by handing over your assets to be managed by someone – that’s what you’re doing.. you’re trusting them with everything you have and your kids’ futures.. so if you don’t feel comfortable being in their office or they intimidate you in any way, don’t work with them.

I know that trusting someone with your assets is really difficult- especially in the post- 2008/2009 world. But just asking a few questions and really understanding what you’re signing up for can save a lot of heartache down the line. A good advisor will be ready, excited, and willing to educate you as much as they possibly can in order to give you comfort.

An advisor that just says “Trust me, I know this, and everything will be okay” is the biggest red flag out there.

I Don’t Believe in Compromise

… I bet you’re like.. did this girl just tell me never to compromise? She must be batshit!

Webster Dictionary defines Compromise as the following: an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions..

“Each side making concessions”… sounds like we’re all willingly signing ourselves up for disappointment. Why in the world would you want to sign up to be in a relationship where you’re constantly disappointed and so is your partner? Who wants to give a little all the time? Why wouldn’t you want to live in the ‘extreme’ and just be happy as often as possible?

It is my honest opinion that we need to redefine compromise and how your typical relationship works. 

Let’s try this on for size: If something is MORE important to your significant other than it is to you.. go with what your significant other wants. The opposite is, of course, also true. If something is extremely important to you.. more so than it is to your partner.. don’t battle over it.. just make it clear how important it is.

How many problems are created by both partners being somewhat disappointed ALL THE TIME? Based on this new definition, disappointment would briefly occur for the one partner that doesn’t get his/her way. However, you will be rewarded with a partner who is not disappointed in any way and is instead, hopefully, very happy.

We need to give up on the idea that you’re always going to be happy with every single thing your significant other does, but your ultimate goal should be to make each other as happy as possible. Wouldn’t it be better if we agreed to base our “compromises” based on priorities? You’d be happiest on the things that matter MOST to YOU!

Obviously, your significant other would have to agree to this otherwise you’re forever giving into things and getting nothing back and that will leave you in a very disappointing one-sided relationship.

Consistency is Everything

Happy New Year!

Alright, that’s all you get. Mostly because you’ve probably long forgotten about all your wonderful New Year’s goals and ALL the changes you’ve promised yourself you’re going to make in #2016. (This is your super sweet reminder to refresh those goals before it’s November!)

Thinking about New Year’s resolutions and how so many people have already let theirs go down the drain, I started thinking about everything else we probably promise to do on a regular basis and quickly forget about.

Eating healthy, exercising, cooking at home more often, calling our friends and family members, spending more quality time, reading, writing a blog, keeping our closets organized, and maybe even showing love and affection.

All of these things that we aim to be better at – to do more of. They seem to slip into the cracks of “life”. Complaining about our jobs, about our bosses, focusing on everything our significant others don’t do, drama with friends – these are the things we tend to draw our attention to. The things we seem to focus on.

A brilliant and favorite author of mine – Rod Hairston says the following:

“What you Focus on you Find, What you Focus on Grows, What you Focus on Seems Real, What you Focus on You Become.”

So before you forget about all those things that seem to fade away quickly after January 1st of every year – ask yourself who you want to become?

Oftentimes, we find ourselves in places we never actually aimed to go. Does the alcoholic take a sip of beer and decide he wants to ruin his life by becoming a slave to alcohol? Probably not. I’ve coached hundreds of people who wanted to lose weight and NONE of them ever set a goal to gain it in the first place. They just “ended up” there.

So much of who we actually become has to do with our daily habits. Our unconscious choices. Our day-in and day-out actions and inactions. They’re the ones that actually create our outcomes.

So let’s actually make #2016 different. Let’s change our every day. Let’s figure out who/what we want to become and get there through consistent daily action.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU! (I really feel like this is an appropriate way to end this)

 

There’s No Such Thing as 50/50

Today I listened to a podcast which discussed how we have to be our best selves at all times, regardless of how people are to us.

This obviously got me thinking about relationships and I’ve realized that many relationship problems could be solved if we stopped being so reactive or responsive to what our counterpart does.

For instance, how many people start planning a bunch of stuff in their relationship and then stop because the other person never plans anything? And then you start arguing with them that they never plan anything? How often do people have arguments in their relationship that they stopped going out and doing stuff? Or that their significant other stopped being as affectionate or as loving or as giving?

Well, what if we stopped and evaluated everything that we stopped doing? What if we carried our end of the relationship as if the real relationship was 100/100 instead of the usual 50/50?

The truth is that we often stop doing things we’d normally be doing, or start behaving even slightly different because of how our partner behaves. Facebook is a great example of this – how many times do people who normally post their relationships all over FB suddenly get involved and there’s no trace? Why? Because the new person their with isn’t a big fan of putting things out there.

The answer is simply- who cares what the other person does?

You should want to be the best girlfriend or best boyfriend or best husband or best wife FOR YOU! For yourself! Why wouldn’t you want to be the absolute best person you can be in every situation?

This post is really loaded with questions, but they’re questions that we should all ask ourselves.

Would we be behaving the way we’re behaving regardless of any external factors?

The same is true for all the relationships in our lives. Are you friends with someone just because they’re friends with you, or you know them for a long time, or do they still bring value into your life? Do you still WANT them in your life?

So many parts of our lives are reactions or responses to what others are doing instead of actions that come from inside our hearts.

Never Stop Giving

I didn’t grow up in a family that was big on charitable giving – we gave old clothes and such away to family and friends and whatever was left went to the salvation army.. but that was about it.

Somehow, I ended up being a person that might be borderline obsessed with finding ways to give back. Partially because I honestly believe it’s my obligation but also because I think it’s just the good person thing to do.

I’m not here to patronize you about how you should donate toys to homeless children, volunteer at soup kitchens or anything else. Although, if you’re sitting in a warm place somewhere, reading this on your laptop or computer.. you should probably consider what you can do to give back.. even if it’s only dropping $1 occasionally in the bucket of a random homeless person.

I am here to tell you that giving isn’t about how much or how little you do. It’s not about how often you do it. It’s about giving yourself to as many people as possible (presumably those who deserve it) as much as you can. I really do think the world works in some sort of strange karmic way and although we all make mistakes, we can undo those errors simply by being better humans whenever we get the chance.

Giving doesn’t only mean donating items, time or money. It means giving in every sense of the word. Giving your heart, fully and completely to those you love. Providing value, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to your friends when they need one. And ultimately, giving everything you are as a human being each day to the world.

The world needs you – it needs your heart, your mind, your soul – every day. It needs you to give yourself to make it a better and more beautiful place.

The world needs you.

Settling is for Wussies

I used to think that there is always something in life that we have to settle for. How many people do you know that stay at a job they hate? Stay in a relationship with someone who is “fine”? Stay in crappy apartments because it’s a process to look for something new?

We all know someone, maybe even ourselves, who is settling for something in their lives. I will be very open and tell you that I used to be that person in almost every aspect.

I went to graduate school primarily to appease my family who thinks a regular college degree is not enough. I had a really stable, safe, boring job where I wanted to blow my brains out every morning going to it, but I also knew I’d never be fired and it was really easy. I had some pretty mediocre friends, the ones who would be awesome at parties but don’t actually care about your wellbeing.. a whole large circle of them. And lastly, I had a relationship with that guy that was really good on paper, except he excited me about as much as watching baseball does (read: not at all.. what a stupid boring sport…but hey.. hot dogs!). And mostly, I was settling on me, I had accepted that I would never achieve exceptional things, that I would never have the dream life for myself, and that I was done growing.

Boy, how silly that was!

I started with making small changes – a diet change, a life style change, exploring and doing new things, meeting new people through a new business pursuit, dropping one “friend” at a time (or sometimes three in a day.. because why not?), ending the relationship, moving out on my own, meeting someone new, falling in love with someone incredible, and then changing my job. The entire journey (which is still not even close to being over) has taught me that I absolutely love growing and changing. I’ve fallen in love with the unknown and fallen in love with being unsettled.

Of course, I’m still finishing graduate school, and honestly, a part of me wishes I hadn’t spent the time doing it. But I also realized that no one ever regrets getting an MBA degree.. so whatever! I’m now extra over-qualified!

But the point of this post wasn’t to tell you to get a graduate degree to make your parents happy. It was to tell you that you can create whatever kind of life you want. No, it won’t happen over night. It took me well over a year to about 40% of the way to what I envision.. and that’s where I am now. But that’s okay, I’ve fallen in love with the process. I try new things and explore new options all the time. I don’t shy away from new experiences the way I used to, instead, I welcome them and see if the new experience can fit into the life I want and the person I want to be. Today, I choose to be happy and cheerful. I’ll probably choose the same tomorrow. But it’s a choice for me. Just like it’s a choice for you. So if you have something in your life that’s maybe just “okay” – whatever that may be – go about changing it! Start now.. like right now.. GO!

 

We’re all a work in progress… be the best damn work in progress you can be!

Overanalyzing: The Killer of Happiness

If you’re anything like me, you’re prone to over thinking every single action, text, phone call, or the lack of any of the aforementioned items. I have suffered an unmentionable amount of anxiety and unhappiness because of my ability to find something to overanalyze in every single situation in life, relationships, friendships, and everything in-between. And then I stopped and started to just live.

I used to sit there and ponder over every single little thing. What does this mean? But what if it means this instead? What if this text wasn’t meant to go to me? What if it’s a lie? What if he’s actually with his ex-girlfriend right now and not “stuck in traffic”? Sound familiar? Oh, okay.. so I’m not the only insecure girl that ever lived.

The truth that I’ve come to realize is that the habit to overanalyze every situation is really a form of insecurity. A pretty damaging form. If you live in a place where you doubt every single person’s intentions, actions, and words then you aren’t really living in the real world. You’re living in a bubble where every one is out to lie to you or manipulate you in some way, shape, or form. That’s not the right way to approach living, it’s the way we approach it when we live in fear of the unknown instead of accepting what is.

I also realized that when I do or say things, I want people to take me at face value and not try to read and analyze more into it…. so why shouldn’t I give people that same courtesy?

Fear, insecurity, overanalyzing – they all come from past experiences that may have hurt us. We’ve all been there. The problems come in when we try to project our past hurts onto our present and our future. Living in fear, in pain, in hurt is wasting the little time we have on Earth to be happy, to experience, and to smile.

Ignore Your Friends… and those Crazy Voices in Your Head

Okay, I’m officially drawing a line.

There is a very big line between what actually exists in reality, the voices in our heads & the red flags we seem to attribute to various occurrences in our relationships.

I can’t tell you how many times my friends have come to me asking if something is a red flag. My answer is always “it depends”. I’m not really sure how I can answer that for someone because I’m not involved in the day-to-day happenings, emotions and exchanges that occur between the couple. Primarily, I have no idea what kind of foundation someone has built in their relationship and perhaps a significant other speaking with an ex would be  major problem for some – where the foundation is less than solid and built up on some ply wood, while others have built a strong foundation and even lacquered the floors!

It’s amazing how many problems can be caused by well-intentioned friends offering well-intentioned advice. But the truth is that they can’t possibly know what they’re offering advice on. They aren’t you. You can’t take someone else’s problems, issues, and experiences and apply them universally across all situations. Life doesn’t work that way and most of the time the best way to work out issues or doubts that come up in a relationship is to just discuss them with your significant other.

No one else can know your relationship, how strong it is, how many insecurities you’ve formed because of it, and possibly how crazy it makes you every single day that you’re in it. Maybe it doesn’t make you crazy at all. Maybe your significant other has done absolutely nothing to make you not trust them but you’re projecting insecurities from the past onto your current relationship. If this is you. Stop. Like right now. And go apologize to your significant other for projecting your personal problems onto them.

We all have junk in our past to look back on… some more than others but generally speaking, if we wanted to bring in past problems into new relationships, we could all do a good job of scaring people away quite quickly. But that’s not what new relationships are for. It’s not about your past. It’s about trying to build a new future.. possibly together. Why would you want to take away from that by involving your past? Might as well invite your ex to next sleepover party you have. Sound crazy, doesn’t it? Well that’s what you’re doing if you’re bringing issues from the past into your new relationship.

The only thing you should be concerned about is finding new ways to amaze, excite and love your significant other every change you get.

P.S. You get bonus points if you can find all the apartment hunting related analogies in this post.

Look For a Partner

One of the most important things in a relationship is to always be on each other’s team.

This may seem obvious to some people but to others, the ones who always feel like they’re fighting a losing battle, to the ones that are in strained relationships, the ones who are ready to give up.. don’t. Just remember these very simple words:

You Are On The Same Side

It’s an incredibly easy concept to think about but an incredibly difficult one to put into practice. Especially once someone hurts us or we feel emotionally injured by them. We like to go searching for our pride instead of realizing that as teammates, you have to figure out what your points of tension are and work through them.. TOGETHER.

What makes a partner different than a soulmate or a lover? A partner is: A companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants. But that doesn’t happen instantly. It happens over time, through many open and honest and non-prideful conversations. It happens through happiness and joy and pain and a lot of love. And a lot of work.

Oftentimes we end up in these roller coaster ride relationships, the ones that eat away at our soul, and leave our hearts shattered. I’ve come to believe that those are absolutely necessary for our growth. I think you have to experience unbelievable heart-wrenching pain in order to properly experience unbelievably and wonderful blissful love. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself after all I’ve been through. Because none of the past seems to matter once you’re in that blissful state. Once you’ve found the right hand to hold, the right person to lean on and learn from, and the kind of love you always imagined but weren’t quite sure you’d ever find.

Wherever you go chasing for love; look for a hand to hold.. not a heart to grasp onto.

Don’t Let Them Change You

You know, I think I’m going to turn last week’s post into an ongoing theme and try to post weekly. This is a result of an extremely boring Monday evening class. Thanks, grad school for increasing my blog reads!!

One of the most disappointing things that I constantly see are beautiful, wonderful people who enter relationships and end up becoming jaded and angry. Of course when someone else takes you for granted, hurts you, or all around treats you poorly it’s very easy to become a ‘monster’ version of yourself. But is that really who you want to be?

No matter what someone does…

DON’T LET THEM CHANGE YOU

Too often in relationships, we become bitter based on someone else’s actions. That’s really the wrong way to go, especially when we’re not bitter by nature. When your significant other forgets an important holiday, neglects to keep a promise they made or simply does something that bothers you to a great extent, it’s become the new norm to “teach them a lesson”or “give them a taste of their own medicine” instead of just discussing what the issues might be. You end up in a constant cycle of who can hurt who more. Is that really what you want your relationship to look like?

I love to cook for my significant other.. he’ll agree with this sentiment and I try to do it as often as possible. I don’t care how tired I am, how upset I am, what a crappy day I had, how much he upset me or anything else. I will make (way too much) food and I will feed it to him. And for all the years we’ll be together, that won’t change. It’s part of who I am as a person. (How lucky is my future husband, srsly?)

At the same time, we all know those people who morph into the relationships they enter. Now, I don’t mean spending all your time with the person. I mean changing WHO you are – changing your interests, your friends, your priorities based on the relationship you enter. I actually know someone who changed religions with each new person they dated. Really? At what point do you choose the person YOU want to be? When you entered the relationship the person liked you for who you were, they didn’t ask you to become a walking replica of themselves… no one really wants that. Keep your interests, keep your religious practices, keep up everything that makes you..YOU!

Revenge and anger might be satisfying for 30 seconds, but a happy relationship is satisfying for life.