Happiness is a Moving Target

February 26, 2016 Leave a Comment

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what leads to true bliss and happiness in relationships. What the magical combination of ingredients is that leads to true everlasting love.

Now I realize that many people will say that there is no such thing as everlasting love, but I’m going to adamantly disagree with the sentiment upfront and disclose that I am your typical romantic. I fully believe we can fall head-over-heels in love at first sight and make it last a life time. I believe in high school sweet hearts. I believe in all the mushy gushy lovey dovey movie stuff. Feel free to judge.. because honestly, in the world of Tinder and Thrinder (is that how it’s spelled?) – it just keeps getting harder and harder to believe it. But for now, I’m not a love skeptic.

I think one of the most important things in a relationship is to have an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful for all the wonderful, lovely amazing things that your significant other does for you – and encourage the same in return. Thank you for picking me up from xyz, thank you for being there for me, thank you for listening, etc etc. Yes, all of these seemingly simple things are part of your normal healthy relationship, but expressing gratitude for those things.. just encourages more of them.

Secondly, and more importantly- don’t apologize all the time. Yes, sometimes we make mistakes, but other times the things we say “sorry” for were actually intentional actions. Sorry is a word that quickly loses its value when it’s overused. This goes for all your relationships! I used to be the constant apologizer “Sorry for canceling tonight, something came up” .. no I just want to sit home and not see anyone and I really shouldn’t have to apologize for that.

Part of not apologizing for our possibly awkward but still intentional actions is being ourselves. Every relationship is just a pre-qualification test for marriage (or whatever your long-term commitment variation of marriage might be) and the truth is that if you’re going to potentially spend 60+ years with someone, you might as well know that they can’t handle being social all the time, or that they leave their socks on the floor for 3 days. Don’t fake it until there’s a ring on it… or make excuses for your significant other if they have behaviors you can’t handle.

Be wholly unapologetically yourself!

Lastly, someone said something to me that really clicked home. Happiness is a moving target. What makes you happy when you’re 18 will be different than what makes you happy at 25 and 30 and 45 and so on. You will change. Your significant other will change and in order to stay happy in your relationship, you have to be able to effectively communicate those internal changes. And you have to accept whatever internal changes your significant other will go through during your lives together.. there will be many and you have to be prepared to deal with every single one of them. Or be subjected to a lifetime of arguing which is well.. miserable. I have many things to say to those people that think consistent arguing is a ‘normal’ part of a relationship.

The largest part of ALL of this is being happy with yourself and accepting all the internal changes that come your way. Spread the love people! Even Facebook has started encouraging it!

 

XOXO

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Settling is for Wussies

December 1, 2015 1 Comment

I used to think that there is always something in life that we have to settle for. How many people do you know that stay at a job they hate? Stay in a relationship with someone who is “fine”? Stay in crappy apartments because it’s a process to look for something new?

We all know someone, maybe even ourselves, who is settling for something in their lives. I will be very open and tell you that I used to be that person in almost every aspect.

I went to graduate school primarily to appease my family who thinks a regular college degree is not enough. I had a really stable, safe, boring job where I wanted to blow my brains out every morning going to it, but I also knew I’d never be fired and it was really easy. I had some pretty mediocre friends, the ones who would be awesome at parties but don’t actually care about your wellbeing.. a whole large circle of them. And lastly, I had a relationship with that guy that was really good on paper, except he excited me about as much as watching baseball does (read: not at all.. what a stupid boring sport…but hey.. hot dogs!). And mostly, I was settling on me, I had accepted that I would never achieve exceptional things, that I would never have the dream life for myself, and that I was done growing.

Boy, how silly that was!

I started with making small changes – a diet change, a life style change, exploring and doing new things, meeting new people through a new business pursuit, dropping one “friend” at a time (or sometimes three in a day.. because why not?), ending the relationship, moving out on my own, meeting someone new, falling in love with someone incredible, and then changing my job. The entire journey (which is still not even close to being over) has taught me that I absolutely love growing and changing. I’ve fallen in love with the unknown and fallen in love with being unsettled.

Of course, I’m still finishing graduate school, and honestly, a part of me wishes I hadn’t spent the time doing it. But I also realized that no one ever regrets getting an MBA degree.. so whatever! I’m now extra over-qualified!

But the point of this post wasn’t to tell you to get a graduate degree to make your parents happy. It was to tell you that you can create whatever kind of life you want. No, it won’t happen over night. It took me well over a year to about 40% of the way to what I envision.. and that’s where I am now. But that’s okay, I’ve fallen in love with the process. I try new things and explore new options all the time. I don’t shy away from new experiences the way I used to, instead, I welcome them and see if the new experience can fit into the life I want and the person I want to be. Today, I choose to be happy and cheerful. I’ll probably choose the same tomorrow. But it’s a choice for me. Just like it’s a choice for you. So if you have something in your life that’s maybe just “okay” – whatever that may be – go about changing it! Start now.. like right now.. GO!

 

We’re all a work in progress… be the best damn work in progress you can be!

Filed Under: Dating world, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Brand New World….

September 2, 2014 Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about those times when you re-enter the dating world. I feel like there’s now a series of steps involved that everyone dreads and tries to avoid as much as possible but it’s inevitable – so I say.. RIP THE BAND- AID OFF!

1) You have to do the facebook relationship status change. Oh this is dramatic. You get all the “OH MY GOSH! What happened?!” messages. And then, if you’re a girl, they slowly transition to creepy guys adding you and trying to message you. So.not.cool. But eventually it all cools down & you begin to figure out how to split up the mutual friend circle that you built with your ex which can be a dramatic process unless you have the greatest friends in the world! LIKE ME! (this is a shameless shout out to my amazing friends <3)

2) You have to start putting yourself out there. Now, if you’ve been following my posts then you know that I entertain the world of online dating. This time around, I actually went for the paid sites in an effort to find something more serious- such as http://www.match.com – which is actually quite effective. If you’re serious about finding a partner, I would recommend staying away from the free dating sites – the tinder, okcupid, plenty of fish sites of the world. These sites are geared more for hook-ups and personally, I think I’m just too old for it or maybe Brooklyn has broken me and I’m over the hook-up scene. #maturity.

3) Being with someone else. This has always been the hardest part for me of breaking up. You also have to step out of your comfort zone. You’re used to being with and interacting with a certain person. You’re used to their mannerisms and you’ve learned to pick up on certain cues they give you. You can tell when they’re sad, happy, in need of a hug or in need of being left alone. Now you have to learn all these things about whoever you’ll be seeing next, and chances are (unless you get really lucky) you’ll have to date several people before you find someone where everything just clicks. This brings me to my next point….

4) Don’t ever settle. No matter how long it takes you to find someone, keep going until you find someone where you “click”. I don’t think there’s a time frame on it and I don’t think you need to date 40 people to find the right one, or at least the right one right now. Whether it’s the first, second or thirty-fifth person you date, you should be EXCITED to see them, or hear from them. They should give you that feeling in your belly when you get a message or a phone call from them… and that feeling should never go away. I think the number one killer to a relationship is when you stop dating and stop flirting. You slowly begin to lose interest because the excitement starts going away. I believe in butterflies. I believe you should be so enthralled with the person you’re seeing that you never play games. You should want to see them as much as possible. You should look into their eyes and see nothing but bliss and joy and happiness. You should feel safe in their arms. This to me, is how you know you found someone worth keeping.

I don’t believe in being with someone because you’re used to them or because you rely on them or because you’re too co-dependent to be on your own. I can safely say that I’ve never felt like I’ve needed any man. Somehow this is offensive to some men but maybe I just look at it different. You’re in my life because I WANT you in it. “Needing”, to me, seems like a pathetic choke-hold on a situation. You should never NEED another person because we’re all mortal. Your significant other can get taken away from this planet at any given moment in time so you should always be surrounded in your life by those you WANT in your life who WANT you in theirs.

I think each relationship that ends is a building block and path way to finding what you truly want. Each relationship carries a lesson. I think the next person I choose to call mine will be absolutely incredible and will make me have a smile plastered from ear to ear on my face. I guess I’m just chasing happiness, and I know myself better now so I’m happy with me and that’s always the first step.

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Your Social Identity

August 19, 2014 Leave a Comment

I feel like social identities have become a particularly interesting topic in the last few weeks as people have completed or not completed the ice bucket challenge for ALS. I have to disclaim the rest of this post by saying that I support absolutely any method of fundraising for charities that anyone can come up with! However, I think the point should be to ALSO raise awareness about the issues involved and I really don’t think that people know any more about ALS then they did before the challenge went viral.

I do think that people value their social identity more than they value money. 

What percentage of people completed the challenge (or have done a whole host of other things on Facebook) just to “save face” in front of their friends? I blatantly refused to do the challenge and donated money instead and got name-called. Really classy. 

I think I’ve seen interesting sides of people throughout all this. Obviously, I have friends who know exactly what it’s all about, why people are doing it and what is symbolizes and they donate $100 even after dumping ice on their heads – Those people get nothing but my applause. But I do hope that some people will become more AWARE in general. Aware of themselves if nothing else. Don’t let your internet persona change you and don’t do things just because “everyone is doing it”. Didn’t we learn anything in grade school?

Filed Under: Dating world, Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Co- Everything

February 9, 2013 Leave a Comment

Ever look around lately and notice how dependent people are?

I don’t just mean the loser dweebs who are living in their Mom’s basement at the age of 38. I mean everyone in every single way is seemingly dependent on someone for something. I’ll just discuss a few that have been tingling my senses recently.

This applies very obviously to couples. They’re the couples that order for each other, agree on everything, and basically blend two separate brains into a (not so bright) one. The ones who can’t possibly imagine being away from their significant other for longer than a few days. What did you do before this person? And more so, what are you planning to do after? If you are relying on your girlfriend to choose your wardrobe – are you going to stop buying clothes when you guys break up? Also, when did this become “okay” to do? The worst part of this is meshing lives (and obviously .. de-meshing them). If your boyfriend is your only friend and you forget that you have a life outside of his existence and you drop all of your girlfriends to focus on this wonderful relationship – what happens if you break up? Are you just hoping your friends are good enough people to be like “well you dropped me like a cheap hooker for the last 2 years- but SURE welcome back into my life!” I wouldn’t count on it.

Another type of dependance is the one where you have those people that value the opinions of their friends so highly that they run to them on EVERY single issue. Especially the ones who are IN relationships and take the advice of their SINGLE friends. Now, I’m not saying that people don’t have knowledge and experience to share. But some instances can’t have objective opinions. If your boyfriend is behaving a certain way, there’s a context and story to it, and unless your friends are actually INVOLVED in your relationship… which I hope they aren’t.. they can’t possibly know what’s best in every situation. Plus, why would you want them to? Create your own relationships, your own happiness, and your own world. The best relationships are the ones kept private.

The absolute worst kind of dependance is one where someone depends on someone else – anyone else – to validate them as a person and to make them happy. This could be family, friend, or significant other. But I’ve come across those people that are not comfortable with themselves to the point that they live and breathe off the opinions of others. This applies to physical and emotional things. You need someone to always tell you that you’re pretty? Or someone to tell you that you’re judging a situation properly? Or someone to tell you to ‘go for it’ when it comes to reaching your goals or dreams? Why do you need constant ass kicking and affirmation? Is it nice when your significant other tells you that you’re beautiful… Sure! Can you live without it? HOPEFULLY. Maybe I’m crazy but I have the automatic assumption that my boyfriend is attracted to me and likes me – otherwise, why would he even bother to be with me?

The point in all of this is that everyone has to find their own happiness. No matter who you’re with – you have to have a life of your own; goals of your own, friends of your own, time by yourself and an overall drive to be successful in life – regardless of whether that relationship continues or not. And mainly – you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.

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Racism.

January 31, 2013 2 Comments

I was going to come up with a clever title for this post but then I decided to be abrupt… much like the topic I’m going to discuss.

If you don’t think that racism still exists – you’re ignorant. and stupid.. but mostly ignorant. It’s all around you and clear as well.. black and white. You can perhaps say that I know nothing on this topic as I’m a white woman. You fail. I’ve dated outside my race – much to the dismay of my white peers and most of my friends.

There’s nothing that gets either race as angry as someone dating someone of a different race. For some reason, even though everyone is all -hush hush- about it.. it’s still socially unacceptable. Even from the point of view of someone who “admires” you. Which may be the most irritating of all – the people that have told me “I admire what you’re doing, you’re so strong” as if I’m overcoming cancer or something. It’s absolutely absurd and necessary for people to discuss openly.

Just to be exact, I’m not only talking about whites dating blacks, I’m also talking about whites dating Asians, or blacks dating Asians, or even Asians dating other types of Asians (you know China and Japan aren’t the only Asian countries, right?).

There are also so many factors at play when thinking about an inter-racial/inter-ethnic relationship. First and foremost is the background of the individuals. Now, I can admit that I grew up in a relatively racist family, mostly because there wasn’t anyone but white people in the Soviet Union and my family was just shocked by the various different types of people that exist in the world when they arrived to the US. Imagine reading a book about a country filled with different types of unicorns and then actually coming to that country – it would be a pretty radical change. The younger generation obviously adapts easier to these changes.. good luck convincing my grandparents that we’re all the same though, they won’t buy it. On the other hand, if you aren’t white, chances are your family or even maybe you have experienced blatant racism at some point in their lives, which would obviously create a mistrust of white people and the prejudice would grow from there.

Next, you have what’s probably the biggest barrier… FAMILY. You can be the least racist or prejudice individual possible but if you bring someone into your home who is of the opposite race and your family isn’t comfortable with that – forget it.. just call it quits. My ex-boyfriend was from Guyana… my family looked at him like he was a crocodile with 2 heads. That obviously doesn’t make someone comfortable and he (appropriately) felt unwelcome in my home. And I felt awkward having him there. One of my friends dated a Chinese- American. He was one of those ghetto Asians – but his family obviously wasn’t. So anytime she’d be at his house she’d feel out of place… obviously the second most comforting place in the world aside from your own home should be your significant other’s home.. it puts a bit of a damper on the relationship when that’s not the case.

After the family issue comes the Public. Getting strange looks on the train from just about everyone is enough to make you go crazy. Actually crazy. Because if you care for someone you don’t feel like what you’re doing is wrong. But apparently everyone else does. It’s like you have the plague, a vicious plague that creates some scary looking bumps on your face that you just want to run away from and hibernate forever. Ok – that was a bit dramatic, but I think you get the point. So either people stare at you like you’re crazy or they look at you in admiration – like you’re accomplishing something spectacular by dating outside your race. Neither one is particularly appealing or appreciated.

All of these points lead to a very significant one; Dating outside your ethnicity also means that the person grew up differently, with different values, different priorities, and a different lifestyle. All of these things will inevitably impact your relationship. Regardless of how much you agree on, you can’t change your upbringing and you can’t change your family. Dating someone within your own race is significantly easier- especially if they coincidentally happen to be from the same country, ethnic/religious background and everything else. That doesn’t mean you should be closed minded though.

Just because something has been done a certain way for a long time, doesn’t mean it’s the right way, the best way or the only way.

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What’s Your Favorite Wild Animal?

December 12, 2012 Leave a Comment

Okcupid.com has this question about which is more nerve racking for you – first dates or important interviews. Now NORMAL people would probably say important interviews but I beg to be different – and I’m sure I’m not the only one. See any interview can only go so badly being that you’re basing everything you’re discussing off of experience & off of things you know you can or can’t discuss during the interview. Whereas, on a first date, there’s not “can’t say this”.. there’s no official guide. Also, I feel like it’s less nerve racking to lose a job opportunity rather than lose some guy that perhaps you’ve been swooning over – but unlikely since men are childish pigs at best.

Let’s first talk about the fact that guys don’t even know how to ask someone out on a damn date. They say things like “Hey, want to go hang out on friday?” What if you guys are friends and you’ve been hanging out on fridays for the last like 2 years, how the hell am I supposed to know this friday is special? I’d have to wait for that awkward kiss attempt at the end of the night in order to discover you might like me. The only thing worse is the guy that tries to cop a feel on top of that or touches you. Like hello, we just met and you’ve tried to feel more of me than is kosher. I want to meet the guy that goes, “Hi, I like you and I want to take you out somewhere nice, how about ____.”

Since when are men so damn insecure that they can’t pick a place to eat? It’s nice of you to ask once, maybe, but if I say something like “anywhere is fine” then I mean that you should go and yelp some places all on your own and take me somewhere.  If you keep asking I will just assume you’re incompetent.. or don’t have a pair, which would you prefer?

Men should pay for the first date, under all circumstances. Girls have to do the fake “oh can I please pay for half” bit, but the man should pay. And if the man doesn’t pay… then you should never ever EVER see him again. Seriously. Men don’t take women out if you’re not actually taking them out. It’s not that complicated.

Although, I have heard that some women tend to be awful dates themselves – they ruin it for the rest of us. There are the women that message incessantly asking questions prior to the date, like how much can a guy really mess up? It’s not likely that he’s cooking the dinner you’ll be eating or producing the movie you’ll be sitting through, if you don’t like it.. that’s really the worst that will happen. Then there also the silent ones. What kind of woman are you if you don’t like to speak and snoop out information about your date immediately… where are your womanly detective skills?? Let’s be real now, it’s great when a man can “keep” a conversation but they aren’t supposed to be starting them. Get yourself together – he’s paying for you, the least you can do is speak. And if she doesn’t speak – then she can pay because chances are you don’t much care about ever seeing her again.

The topics of conversation on a first date tend to be awkward just by the nature of how things occur but primarily because people are idiots. If you were meeting someone of the opposite sex for the first time and not trying to get with them would you really talk about the weather? Or ask them ridiculous questions. Do you really care what my favorite wild animal is? The only reason that question would work for you in any way is at carnival if you were winning me a toy koala bear by playing some game. Otherwise, how the hell is that relevant for the future? Also, why do you ask about my past relationship on our FIRST date? Do you really want to know my dark side so quickly? Let’s keep some mystery here, we still have dates 2, 3, 4 & 5 to fill up  assuming you’re thinking with the proper “head” on your body.

One final bit of advice, if you’re the guy on a first date that’s actually going well and you go in for the kiss – don’t ask first. The asking for kisses thing is only cute when you’re already in a relationship. Otherwise it’s insecure.

Filed Under: Dating world Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bikini Waxes & Cocktails?

August 28, 2012 2 Comments

I hate to break it some.. mostly female.. individuals but hair on your body is no longer “in” , it’s not “classy” and frankly in the summertime, it’s down right disgusting. Please get rid of it.

NYC offers plenty of options (& styles) to get this done!

Waxing salons now offer a full MENU of options. Just for the bikini zone alone you can get a simple bikini wax (so there’s nothing popping out at the beach), you can get an “extended bikini wax” (in case your bathing suit is sliding up into places you don’t want it to be), you can get a good ol’ fashioned brazilian (this probably makes men the happiest) and you can even get designs on it – so instead of tattooing your latest bf’s name you can just get his initials on your va-jay-jay! Oh and you can even put Swarovski crystals on you by Vajazzling! By the way- is there ANYTHING now a days that Swarovski isn’t on? I think crystals on my lady parts is where I draw the line.

Now, in an effort of full disclosure – I’ve been grooming myself since I was like 14. Frankly, hair skeeves me out. This being said, I’ve met a lot of “professionals” in the field. Now, I would imagine your life would have to take a lot of strange turns in order to have the desire to regularly wax vaginas. I mean, that really takes a certain type of person to be able to do that. Plus, if you hate hearing girls scream.. this is clearly NOT the job for you. On the other hand, you have to be pretty personable. No girl wants some crazy angry bitch pulling out hair on her lady parts. I’ve been to my share of “strange” women over the last 8 years.

In my little Russian community, everyone has a “guy” or “lady” they go to for all their things. All of these people operate out of their homes. It’s amazing how much money you can make running a business without ever owning a storefront… Guaranteed a Russian can teach you. So my waxing experience started when I went to my mom’s waxing lady located in some random building like 18 miles from home on the other side of Brooklyn. I had to cab to get my hair torn out. Obviously, she used the cheapest wax possible and I lost skin along with hair during this process (but that’s okay – we like it Soviet Union style… most of the time).

 

When I started working in the city I found a good place there to get them done at relatively low prices. Seriously, I’ve seen places that charge like $200 for a wax.. really? Are you putting my hair into gold and giving it back to me? Because that’s the only way that price makes sense. So being that it’s the city, everything has to be high end. I actually enjoy going for my waxes now-a-days. First of all, when I arrive the front desk offers me a free cocktail (there’s a menu for those too!) and I end up having about 4 of these while I’m waiting for my favorite lady to come get me – because it’s the city and if your appointment is for 4pm.. you’re sitting there till at least 5:15. 4 drinks is totally plausible in this time period. Next, when my lady comes she offers me wine. Okay I don’t about YOU ladies but after 4 cocktails and a glass of wine – you can tear anything out of me that you want… Frankly, I’m so drunk at this point I’d probably be taking my pants off anyway.

 

I haven’t really decided how I feel about man hair at this point. There’s something manly about a guy having some hair because frankly if he doesn’t, it just reminds me of a 10 year old boy. On the other hand, the werewolf look isn’t great. Thoughts on this, ladies?

Filed Under: Dating world

“Poking” Around

August 22, 2012 4 Comments

So apparently FaceBook is the end all of proper communication and etiquette. Now, While I admittedly use the site way more than necessary, and in fact linger on it all day even at work, I do not see it as a way to build lasting relationships, meet new people or find people to date. The fact that anyone could is beyond amusing to me. And so begins my Journey into the “Single” World.

If you’ve ever changed your relationship status to “Single” after being in a relationship for 3 years you’d know the pain you encounter when EVERY ONE (& their mother) messages you with the same questions; “What happened?!” and “OMG are you OKAY?!”. Nothing happened.. life is shit and I wasted another 3 years on someone who clearly wasn’t worth my time.. and No I’m not Okay.. I died yet am able to somehow answer your messages?

By the time you hit your early/mid twenties you’ve most likely been through a number of break ups and though you think you know exactly what to expect.. it’s never quite what you expect and it’s never quite as pleasant as you wish it was.

First of all, you have the returning of the stuff. Now my ex happens to be exceptionally special and also returned some of the stuff I BOUGHT HIM during the relationship to me – anyone need size 9.5 men’s shoes?.. I now have a nice collection. This is a good way of reminding me why I should never spend money on anyone but myself. Selfishness is POWER.

Secondly, you have all the messages exchanged “take care, I hope you have a nice life you dumb *profanity* *profanity* *profanity*” .. It only gets messier if you keep the conversation going so you need to end it dead in the tracks before it REALLY starts.

Third, you have the reconnecting with people you may have completely forgotten about or left in the dust amid being a “happy couple”. The number of apologies that are exchanged is just astronomical but it’s nice to know people love to hear you’re not happy anymore and therefore are more than happy to be your friend. Misery loves company.

Then comes the worst of it all… when people (who probably want to get in your pants as quickly as possible) start to contact you in strange and obscure ways that make you question the sanity of the world we live in.

So apparently the people that are interested(?) in me like to use FaceBook. A lot. And still remember that it has the POKE function. As a friend pointed out… Someone still uses that? So as an example let’s call this gentlemen Richard. Because Richard’s nickname would be Dick and that’s what this guy is.

Richard and I exchange some poking back and forth – for weeks. You know you see the alert come up so you hit “poke back” and don’t even think twice about it. Then FINALLY it occurs to him to message me and his message is “So that we’ve been poking back and forth, when are you coming over?”  No greeting, no “how are you”, not even the Brooklyn favorite of “Waddup shawty?!”… nope, none of that. Excuse me? Is this now a legitimate way to WOO someone? You hit a button a couple times a week – this must mean that you’re interested in me and can’t wait to take off all your clothes.

 

 

Dear men – quit poking around and learn to treat a woman properly.

Filed Under: Dating world

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