Online Dating Fails

I hope you’re all prepared for the wonderful world of online dating – part 2. The things my girlfriends and I have seen in the short time that I’ve decided to troll http://www.okcupid.com have been beyond ridiculous. I apologize for the poor picture quality as I’ve snapshot most of these on my phone. Many thanks to Masha T. and Tanya P. for contributing their experiences. Please brace yourselves.

Retarded pictures

If you join an online dating site, I’d expect you’d want to be taken seriously. You’d also want to put your “best self” out there. One would think….

How many ways can you possibly blank other people out of a photo and make sure they ONLY see your face? Also why in the world would you use the most ridiculous images possible to cover the faces of other people…

If you can’t tell, those are tiny little fluffy dog faces. instead of whoever his friends are.  NOT OKAY DUDE. NOT OKAY.

Hey guy! LAY OFF fake baking. It’s not cute on a girl, and looking orange is even worse on a guy. Also, lay off the teeth bleaching. UGH just so terrible. Who are you trying to attract? Oompa loompas?

Retarded Profiles (and screen names)

Because you can’t read this, I shall explain. First off, his screenname is “TheMrAmazing” . Next, he’s not amazing at all, and quite unattractive. The first line of his profile reads “I apologize in advance for not being in good enough shape for you…” If you read further he goes, “I’m a HUGE virgin, I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs or have sex”. Do all those things make you a HUGE virgin?  I think you meant to say you’re “straight-edge”. Also, if you’re so frikkin amazing why are you on okstupid.com?

Why do you have your ass in the air and the first line of your profile is “Let’s keep it classy here….”. *facepalm. I think it’s because he’s from Staten Island.

Retarded Messages (receiving end)

This one I got twice, and my friend also got The SAME exact message. Cool bro, you can copy and paste. In English this translates to “Hello from Carlson, who lives on a roof, can I land here?”  It’s not cute. Do you just search for Russian speaking girls who will get this and think it’s funny. It’s not. You’re sad.

This might be my favorite. It says (I’m leaving all the bad grammar in tact here): “So if your looking for a man, well not to brag but i eat 4 steaks a day , and my work out consists of chopping wood, and wresting black bears. I live in a house that I carved out of solid rock using nothing but a tooth pick, I drink the finest coffee , which was out lawed in 36 states which is ground and roasted by Chuck Norris hum self! i only own plaid button up long sleeve shirt and blue jeans. well hope to hear from you soon.”

I only have one word: TROLL.

This is how we now judge women. How long does it take you to get ready? Oh only 20 mins – you MUST look like shit. dude wtf is wrong with you? Also, how is this an appropriate question to ask someone when first introducing yourself. Just all over, WHAT? Why would I ever respond to this?

Extra special. He introduces himself as one of “New York’s Finest” and then goes “I’m a cop”. Really? If I didn’t know better the way you’re approaching me, you sound like a mexican construction worker and you might as well be whistling at me on the street because that’s basically what it sounds like in my head when you say “hey, babymama”. You know what; if I rejected this “Fine New Yorker” then he’d probably be one of those assholes that replies with “Fuck you, you ugly ass hoe”. Logic.

These morons have managed to take the disgrace of being “hollered” at on the street into the virtual realm. My IQ has officially decreased by 10 points just by being a member on this site.