The Rules of Bookface

… Because frankly.. there should be some. I see a variety of stupid shit every single day. I’m annoyed.

Pictures of your lunch

Not Okay. Unless you’re eating something REALLY cool. Like exotic and different. Or you’re sharing a recipe. No one wants to see pictures of your McDonald’s McFatFuck Burger or your ceasar salad.

Memes that “aren’t” directed at anyone

You’re really obvious when you post a meme that says “I’m better than your ex, gonna be better than your next” and write a comment along the lines of “oh, I wonder who this can be for?!” Please, be less obvious. At least post pictures of men with tiny penises that “aren’t” directed at your ex.

ALL THE DUCK FACES

I’ve done this. I am the queen of duck faces. I do it because I like to make fun of all you orange looking girls that look ridiculous. I have seen some serious duck face photos with like 15 girls all in front of one mirror with duck faces on. NOT OKAY. under any circumstances. Being intoxicated is not an excuse either.

The same picture on repeat in 19 different places

How many times can you wear an Armani shirt at a dbag club and take the same “Pauly D” looking photo? Dumping a bottle of gel into your hair doesn’t make you cool. Taking photos of it makes you even less cool. In fact, this may be a reason to deport you.

Public Statuses that are really inside jokes with your BFFFFFFFFLLLLLLL

This isn’t myspace and we aren’t 12 years old. ‘Nuf said.

Relationship Complaining

… Should be kept private. Stop posting statuses that are like “OMG what would YOU do if YOUR boyfriend went through your thong drawer?” … No one is in your relationship except you. Deal with your own problems. The opposite works the same way. The only person you should be confessing your undying love to is your boyfriend, not your boyfriend and ALL of his closest friends and family and the rest of the world. Imagine an employer going on your facebook and the first thing they see is “my babyyy bought me the most AMAZiNG teddy bear EVERR” Yea.. you’re not getting hired.

Friending Your Mom

… and her being the kind of Mom that keeps track of your life and all your friends. You don’t want your friends walking into your home one day and your mom being like “oh, hey I saw you went to that restaurant in downtown….” not cute. The only thing worse than stalking people on facebook, is having your mom stalk people on facebook.

Asking someone out … through a wall post

For those of you who don’t understand this: NEVER ask anyone out over facebook. Even worse (unless you want to be laughed at for all eternity) is asking someone out publicly on facebook via their wall. This isn’t impressive. This IS very douchey. End of story.

Anyone see any other ridiculous facebook behavior??

Boss Nature

First, I must credit the title of this post & the motivation for it to two awesome friends, M.T. and I.M. (yes, I decided to use initials starting now). We just came back from an incredible trip to New Hampshire – also made stops in Massachusetts and in Maine. Overall, my impression of New England as a whole has greatly improved and I’m officially in love with nature, the earth, hiking, and overall body movement.

Despite an insane lack of [comfortable] sleep, I felt like I came alive being in the forest. Climbing sure left me short of breath because I’m an American. As much as I hate to admit this, I have totally absorbed the American way of life into my daily routine. After this weekend, I want nothing more than to be rid of it. As I sit here and write this post, I am absolutely missing the feeling of my limbs moving. We have evolved into an increasingly sedentary society. We sit for work, we sit on our way to and from work, whether we’re driving, flying or taking the train we are constantly sitting. We get home from work and sit in front of the television; we sit down at a dining table for dinner, then we do some more sitting before we go to bed.

The sedentary society that has come to be in clashes drastically with human physiology. We went from moving all the time too hardly moving and our bodies aren’t adapting well. For tens of thousands of years humans were nomadic, constantly walking from settlement to settlement. Fast-forward to the present and it has only been about 50-100 years that so many of us sit all day long. Even in just the past 20 years, because of the predominance of computers in daily life, sitting is a “new” phenomenon for the body.

I have often categorized myself as a pretty active person, because in comparison to many people, I am.. I bike ride as often as possible, sometimes going for 20 or more miles. I walk at least 5 miles every single day of my life, I do yoga, and I genuinely enjoy things like Zumba, Insanity, hoop dancing, etc. My workout DVD collection allows for a lot of variation and keeping things interesting… I do cardio and weights and everything else you can come up with. Taking walks or doing any physical activity with close friends around the city always gives me at least a small ego boost because I never lose stamina (sorry ladies, just the truth), and am never tired as quickly as some of my girlfriends tend to get.

Frankly, that’s all bullshit. Being out in nature and feeling my body do what it’s meant to do was incredible and rejuvenating and exhausting all at once. I don’t remember the last time I felt so.. free. I feel like I should be hiking every single day. Like every part of my body was woken up. It was exhilarating. Although I’m sore as all hell today… I am thoroughly enjoying every minute of feeling my muscles burn – it means they worked, and furthermore, it means I worked.

We as humans are constantly finding ways to make things simpler, faster, easier.. we’re all about doing the least amount of work. Examples are everywhere: The hostel where we stayed had real garlic and a jar of crushed garlic – guess which one I used for cooking? Obviously I took the easy way out, as so many other people would have. I’ve been trying to transition to a whole foods – plant based diet and the first question I always get from people about it is: was it hard to stop eating meat? Of course it’s hard, why would you want it to be easy? What’s the reward in that? I consciously decide to put healthier foods into my body every day. Is it easier to walk to McDonald’s and order things based on NUMBER? Sure it is. Is it making me feel good about myself, my body or my life? No, it’s not.

My point in all this story telling is that you should get out there. You should discover something new. Every day should be different and challenging and exciting. Make your body work because Humans were made to move. Stop taking short cuts because life is only worth it if you work hard for everything you achieve. The world is beautiful.

Online Dating Fails

I hope you’re all prepared for the wonderful world of online dating – part 2. The things my girlfriends and I have seen in the short time that I’ve decided to troll http://www.okcupid.com have been beyond ridiculous. I apologize for the poor picture quality as I’ve snapshot most of these on my phone. Many thanks to Masha T. and Tanya P. for contributing their experiences. Please brace yourselves.

Retarded pictures

If you join an online dating site, I’d expect you’d want to be taken seriously. You’d also want to put your “best self” out there. One would think….

How many ways can you possibly blank other people out of a photo and make sure they ONLY see your face? Also why in the world would you use the most ridiculous images possible to cover the faces of other people…

If you can’t tell, those are tiny little fluffy dog faces. instead of whoever his friends are.  NOT OKAY DUDE. NOT OKAY.

Hey guy! LAY OFF fake baking. It’s not cute on a girl, and looking orange is even worse on a guy. Also, lay off the teeth bleaching. UGH just so terrible. Who are you trying to attract? Oompa loompas?

Retarded Profiles (and screen names)

Because you can’t read this, I shall explain. First off, his screenname is “TheMrAmazing” . Next, he’s not amazing at all, and quite unattractive. The first line of his profile reads “I apologize in advance for not being in good enough shape for you…” If you read further he goes, “I’m a HUGE virgin, I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs or have sex”. Do all those things make you a HUGE virgin?  I think you meant to say you’re “straight-edge”. Also, if you’re so frikkin amazing why are you on okstupid.com?

Why do you have your ass in the air and the first line of your profile is “Let’s keep it classy here….”. *facepalm. I think it’s because he’s from Staten Island.

Retarded Messages (receiving end)

This one I got twice, and my friend also got The SAME exact message. Cool bro, you can copy and paste. In English this translates to “Hello from Carlson, who lives on a roof, can I land here?”  It’s not cute. Do you just search for Russian speaking girls who will get this and think it’s funny. It’s not. You’re sad.

This might be my favorite. It says (I’m leaving all the bad grammar in tact here): “So if your looking for a man, well not to brag but i eat 4 steaks a day , and my work out consists of chopping wood, and wresting black bears. I live in a house that I carved out of solid rock using nothing but a tooth pick, I drink the finest coffee , which was out lawed in 36 states which is ground and roasted by Chuck Norris hum self! i only own plaid button up long sleeve shirt and blue jeans. well hope to hear from you soon.”

I only have one word: TROLL.

This is how we now judge women. How long does it take you to get ready? Oh only 20 mins – you MUST look like shit. dude wtf is wrong with you? Also, how is this an appropriate question to ask someone when first introducing yourself. Just all over, WHAT? Why would I ever respond to this?

Extra special. He introduces himself as one of “New York’s Finest” and then goes “I’m a cop”. Really? If I didn’t know better the way you’re approaching me, you sound like a mexican construction worker and you might as well be whistling at me on the street because that’s basically what it sounds like in my head when you say “hey, babymama”. You know what; if I rejected this “Fine New Yorker” then he’d probably be one of those assholes that replies with “Fuck you, you ugly ass hoe”. Logic.

These morons have managed to take the disgrace of being “hollered” at on the street into the virtual realm. My IQ has officially decreased by 10 points just by being a member on this site.