Bottle Poppin’ = Panty Droppin’?

September 27, 2012 2 Comments

In the nightlife scene of “playas” and “smuts”… Yes.

I wasn’t going to do a post about clubbing, the club scene, OPM or the laundry list of shitty people that attend this crap… But I came up with the catchy title so I might as well. I’ll keep it short though, because it’s really not worth spending a significant amount of time on. I need to disclaim this by saying that I have a personal bias against people who club hop, promoters, the “VIPs” and everything else. I used to be heavily involved with this nonsense and it just drove me crazy. I basically avoid OPM like it’s the plague.

First of all, how do you not get tired of doing the same thing with the same people over and over? The music is the same. The sluts are still stupid. The guys are still assholes. Why are you still going and then complaining that your life sucks and nothing changes? You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Were you actually expecting to meet your future husband at OPM? That’s probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Unless you want your husband receiving oral sex in OPM bathrooms forever. How could you even use one of the toilets at this point? Smut juice is just all over that shit. Plus, the best place to find your boyfriend in the club is probably with your “best friend” in some corner with their clothes off.

Secondly, all the girls that go there to meet up with promoters that pop bottles. I HAVE NO WORDS. That actually never happens. I feel like the girls that go there belong somewhere between a trailer park and a trash dump. Especially the FAKE ones. News Flash gentlemen, boobs aren’t supposed to touch a girls’ chin. Their cheeks are not supposed to be higher than their ears. AND their lips are not supposed to be 7 inches wide. The pictures that come up on facebook the next day are retarded, and embarrassing. This is why your unemployed ass is mooching off promoters in shitty clubs, no one will hire you if you have a picture of your own boob in your mouth. Plus, all these bimbos look the same, dress the same, wear the same shoes, have their pin straight hair the same way. How do you tell them apart?  By how wide their vaginas are, clearly.

Next, the damn apparel. Typical conversations are like “Bro, is that an Emporio shirt bro?” No, it just has EMPORIO ARMANI written across the chest in one foot tall silver letters, but it’s NOT that. The amount of gucci loafers seen in that place is unacceptable. If I have a Hermes belt and YSLs on I’m automatically a better person than you who deserves better vodka to look trashier in my expensive clothes. Leave the club, get into your maxima or infiniti (haven’t decided which is worse yet) and drive into the bay. Half these guys have been in the USA for at least 18 years if not their whole lives, yet they somehow have a Russian accent. Bro, go to school and read, bro. Brooklyn is all about brands. You spend more on clothing than education. Anyone else see a problem with this?

Men also really need to learn to approach girls. Grinding up against a girl without introducing yourself is the equivalent of asking a girl out on facebook. Neither is classy and neither will get you the girl you want to bring home to your mom. The girls you find in these places use the epic excuse “I just came here to dance with my friends”. No, she didn’t. She came there to get treated like the hoe that she is and then complain about why “all guys treat her the same way”.

My dear friend Allen S. had this to say about his expectations of OPM and the women that go there:

“Once I step in there I’m already running visual identification as to what half-drunk, or non-drunk, but dressed like a nympho female is primed for “buttocks grind introduction” asap. I separate from my male friends and enter “the game,” crotch first and hope that she’s an emotional and psychological mess to the point that sex to her is the only option. That’s a good night.” 

I’ll leave you all to ponder why you probably shouldn’t be visiting these places on a regular basis. Although I heard Snoop Dogg was there a couple of week ago, perhaps he got desperate for ass.

Hamsters in a wheel.

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Just Have Sex

September 19, 2012 2 Comments

I’m not sure if anyone else notices this but when you’re not in a relationship the things that other people do in their relationships seem so ridiculous. This may also be true while you’re in one. Perhaps I’ve just been in tune with this since I need material to write about.

The Flip Outs

We’ve all been there. You have that significant other that flips out ALL the time. Accusations everywhere!! I have to ask. What’s the point? What are you hoping to get out of acting like a complete psycho? Do you think accusing your significant other of cheating will make them less likely to cheat? It’s simple. If he’s cheating on you, you’re going to end up finding out sooner or later anyway so you might as well control your stress levels and just chill out. If he’s not cheating on you and you’re accusing a wonderful guy of cheating on you while he’s being loyal then you’re just pushing him away and messing up your relationship for no good reason.

The Stay-At-Homes

Why do people drop their lives, their friendships, and their personalities once they get into a relationship? Your man has to work late and you’re calling me up complaining that now you’re stuck sitting at home. I invite you to go have dinner and you say no. Excuse me what? Did you just forget how to be a person? I don’t understand how you give up your entire life and who you are just because someone stamps Girlfriend on your forehead. You know what’s going to happen when you guys break up? You’re going to be all alone and have no friends… and the only person you have to blame is yourself.

The Future Builders

So you just went on your third date with this guy and you’re imagining what your babies are going to look like. You know there’s a word for people like you. It’s fucking CREEPY. This guy is probably on his 4th date with someone else and just picked up a girl at a bar right after he dropped you home. Calm down. It’s a third date not a proposal. You don’t even know if this guy is really into you yet or he’s trying to figure out how many dinners it’s going to take until your panties drop. Also, if you find a guy who is the one doing this, it’s not cute, it’s sad and pathetic and chances are he doesn’t have much going for him personality/looks wise and you need to re-evaluate your decision to date him.

The Compulsive Liars

The people who lie about everything all the time to see how many lies they can get away with before they get caught by their significant others. Then they cry like little babies and are like “OMG I’m so stupid, why didn’t I just tell him I bought red socks instead of blue ones”. Yea, you are stupid, and he’s even more stupid for staying with you.

The Fuck Ups

I mean generally, in life. The people who do ridiculous things like quit their jobs or drop out of school while in a relationship. Then they complain they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Then they complain that their significant other is complaining that they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

The Doing-Too-Much Problem

I know a bunch of girls that constantly complain that their boyfriends are too busy studying and working to make time to see them every day. Really? This makes me want to vomit. I understand if your boyfriend has like 5 jobs for no good reason and is basically avoiding seeing you but if your man is out there making himself a better person and still making time to see you at least once a week, especially if he treats you well, then suck it up. It’s part of “being a supportive girlfriend”. Learn to do it because it will pay off big time once he rises to the top.

The Not-Doing-Enough Problem

You both get so lazy that you stop going anywhere. Even the boring double dates start being few and far between. You’ve probably almost merged into one person because all you do is lay around and do nothing together. It’s disgusting. Go find yourself a life and learn to spend time apart.

The Ones Who Stop Giving A Shit About Their Bodies

This is probably my favorite, because it happens so simultaneously in relationships. Every time you see the couple they have each gained about 15 pounds. 2 years together and there’s a sesame chicken & fried rice deficit in NYC and they both weigh 350 pounds. It’s not cute. No one else will ever love you if you keep doing this to yourself. The key to loving someone else is to love yourself first. I couldn’t love myself in size 16 pants. Sorry. If people on the train genuinely offer you their seats because they think you’re pregnant then it’s time to visit the produce section more often.

The Non-Communicators

…with each other anyway. They have no problems communicating with EVERYONE else around them. These are the girls that think there’s something wrong so they call up 19 of their closest girlfriends and discuss it in detail, piecing together every word he’s said over the last 15 weeks as if he were God dictating the damn Bible over again. Men, on the other hand, will just drink themselves retarded with their guy friends over a game of football (which women will take to mean that the guy no longer loves them and avoids spending time with them). Just go and learn to talk to your significant other. seriously.

The Sex Problems

Why is the one person you don’t discuss sex with, and all the things you might want to try, your significant other? Then you end up having vanilla sex for 3 years. Go pick up 50 Shades of Grey and have a discussion over who’s bringing in the toys and make things come alive. This helps to fix other things. Perhaps your man would be more willing to communicate with you if you were open to trying it with your left leg behind your head?

The Money Problems

You know those people that are like, “I bought him a gift for $300, but the gift he bought me was only $200, WTF?!” That’s not okay. Stop being such a materialistic douche. Who counts money in relationships anyway? We’re all young and basically broke. Worse is if you offer to pick something up for your boyfriend, like his dry-cleaning, and then complain that he didn’t pay you back for it. Really? Are we doing that now? He’s your significant other, and it was like $8. Calm down, he probably spent 90 times that amount before you gave him the “privilege” of calling you his girlfriend.

The FBI Agents

Another favorite. I love the girls that get all the passwords and constantly check the guys’ phones. And then proceed to ask them questions about who every single person is in their contacts and if they’ve ever slept with them. And then if so, how many times and how long ago was it and “omg you slept with her only 4 years ago- delete her now!” How is this helping your relationship? If you have trust problems you need to seek counseling and stop subjecting your boyfriend to your personal problems. OMG did you just find out that he’s friends with his ex on facebook? Are you now stalking his entire life? You’re sad. Just Stop.

The Actual Stalkers

These are the people who actually follow their significant others around and call them while they’re looking at them to make sure they aren’t lying.

Ancient meme:

Girl: Where are you?

Boy: In bed, thinking of you, and you?

Girl: Right behind you at the club.

See, this kind of stuff actually happens though. And as mentioned earlier… the guy who wants to lie and cheat is going to lie and cheat no matter how psycho you act so just stop!

The Drama Queens

We’ve all been with that person that just seriously enjoys arguing and fighting. It’s like a way for them to spice up the relationship or something when they’re bored. “OMG you’re wearing a purple shirt today! That was your exes favorite color, you must be cheating on me!!!”. I’ve heard people also tend to take things more seriously as time goes on. I have a friend who fought with her boyfriend over yogurt at one point. Hey! Don’t laugh.. Yogurt is important.

 

In conclusion I would just like to say: Fuck relationships, just have sex.

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Online Dating – YES THAT!

September 17, 2012 2 Comments

This will be a guest post – because my dear friend Tanya P. could not control her anger any longer at the pathetic bunch of dweebs she’s been encountering online. Please, if you have a shitty personality in real life – don’t take it into the virtual realm.

“I read Nika’s rants about the lack of common sense in young and especially single people and I have a rant of my own to contribute: ONLINE DATING.

True to my new nature of accepting change over the past year, I decided to be less stubborn and give online dating a shot because who knows maybe I’ll be one of those success stories. MAYBE being the keyword. Well just like frat boys at a dive bar celebrating “Thirsty Thursday” you men have managed to take stupidity to a whole different dimension: ONLINE INTERACTIONS. It shouldn’t be that hard to fake having one or two redeeming qualities considering the person at the other end doesn’t see the stupid smirk on your face. But apparently it is.

Let’s start with your approach or lack there of.  My favorite one that I personally encountered was “Hey ma your madd beautiful. You look madd intelligent.” What? Seriously dude did you just use the word “madd” and how did you manage to connect my physical attractiveness to my level of intelligence in one thought. The other issue is NEVER address a woman as “ma” “mammi” or the white boy version “sweety.” If it doesn’t work for the 4’9 stereotypical drunk Mexican on the street – you seem to have forgotten it’s sure as hell easier to ignore you online. There are certain one-liners every guy seems to use, the most horrible and seemingly popular approach is “Hey beautiful whats upp? ” Just because you gave me a compliment doesn’t mean I suddenly feel obligated to carry out any type of conversation with you.

Speaking of compliments there is no reason to give a girl more than one compliment on her looks. Most girls use online dating to find a boyfriend or husband, NOT to be reassured by men about their “above average” looks. Just because you ran out of things to say doesn’t mean it’s okay to fill the gap with a compliment. Try telling her something unique about yourself or ask her about her favorite part of the city. That is a much better conversation because there is a 95% chance she’s not vain enough to only want to discuss her physical attributes. Than again I don’t know what the other chicks on these sites are like.

Now that we covered approach and over complimenting let’s discuss the two most redeeming qualities the guys online have: creepy and desperate. Do you know how many of my friends yell at me for not smiling in photographs? Why because it’s easy to come off as creepy if you are staring straight at the camera without conveying some type of emotion. If I can manage to find four photos where I am smiling so should everyone else on the website. If your eyes look vacant in your photos you look creepy. Also what you write in your profile should be a reflection on who you are. If sex, women and big boobies are mentioned anywhere in your profile description than I don’t want anything to do with your sleezy ass.

Now lets talk about desperate some guys are. Umm buddy it says at the side of the messages what time you wrote the message so don’t write me three messages 20 minutes apart at 12 am when I am probably sleeping and not replying because I’m sleeping. Additionally don’t leave me your number if I never asked for it because unless your drop-dead gorgeous I will not text you ever at this rate. Also don’t visit my profile every single day after I ignored your last five messages. Yes I am online, NO I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Oh and why in the world is every single of your photos with a different “hot” chick. Seriously you say your looking for a girlfriend but all your photos are of you and the attractive chicks you’ve known since high school but were never able to get with. It looks like a visual list of references of all the girls who can vouch for why you should be “friends zoned.”

Anyways this rant doesn’t even begin to surface the inbox full of bullshit I’ve experienced online. I assumed people doing online dating are just people who have no luck with the opposite sex. I was wrong for every one good guy there is a pool of dense males. This  the same collection you find at a bar or club. There are plenty of fish in the sea but the sea has been polluted.”

 

I would also like to add to this – since I needed new blog material and have recently joined okcupid.com (Please judge me because I’m already judging myself – and everyone else on the site) – If you don’t have a normal screen name and you’re like 28.. please shot yourself in the mouth Kurt Cobain style. Your screen name should NOT be anything along the lines of xxCUTEJOCKxx or even better VagLover29. That’s a definite no-no and you’ll be sitting home with your right hand for a very VERY long time.

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Fashion Dont’s

September 14, 2012 2 Comments

I’m sure this has all been said before, but it’s still out there & I still see it Every.Single.Day. so this will be my one and only fashion post because it really needs to be said again. I’m only covering the basics here so please your common sense and your mirrors. This post is also superficial as all hell. Don’t judge me.. even though I judge all of you.

Women:

DON’T ‘rock’ the muffin top. No really. There’s nothing and I mean NOTHING in this world that is less sexy then a muffin top. If you have love handles – which can be very sexy when used appropriately – buy some high rise jeans.

I literally just threw up in my mouth looking at this. The actual kind of literally – not the way Joe Biden uses it.

DON’T wear jeans (or any pants) that you can’t climb out of.. and can barely climb in to. Seriously, if getting your pants on in the morning has become a mission and you’re considering hiring an assistant just to help you. Please consider the possibility that you MAY be a different size.. or learn to eat less muffins. You’ll regret it later when your zipper breaks in the middle of the day and your neon pink rugrats undies are out there for the world to see. Tiny jeans also contribute to the muffin top look. Please see above if you’re confused.

 

DON’T wear tops that don’t close properly. I think this is pretty self explanatory, but if you’re a 36DD bra size, then you are absolutely NOT a size X-small – no matter how tiny the rest of you is. (Regretting those boobie implants yet?)

 

DON’T leave your house in whatever you woke up in… unless you’re going outside to throw out the trash. Seriously girls – a woman can never be over-dressed. But she can ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY be under dressed. I used to go to school wearing sweats – I wish someone would have smacked me back then. Pajamas, sport shorts, sweat pants (Juicy suits are no longer in) and other variations of home apparel are to be worn at HOME. You should look good, feel good, and attract attention for all the right reasons no matter where you go. Put a little effort in – you never know who you’re going to run into. If he happens to be a sexy, single, and totally fuckable man.. you’ll probably wish you took the time to climb out of your minnie mouse t-shirt.

 

Men:

DON’T wear a poorly fitted suit. Get it tailored or just don’t bother. The only thing less classy then a man without a suit? A man with a poorly fitted suit.

DON’T wear sandals. and ESPECIALLY DON’T wear sandals and socks. The only time you are allowed to display your feet is at the beach in BEACH flip flops. Period and end of story. No excuses.

DON’T wear Uggs. There’s no explanation necessary for this one.

 

DON’T wear tank tops. ESPECIALLY if you don’t have the muscles to pull it off. A tank top basically says “I think I have super awesome biceps, triceps, abs, shoulders and back muscle” If you don’t have ALL OF THE ABOVE.. please stick to shirts with sleeves.

The exception to this rule is if you look like this:

 

 

I’m going to end this post with the picture above. Eye candy is always appealing.

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Curse of Altruism

September 10, 2012 1 Comment

This is going to be DEEP TALK people. Time to use some of that 95% of untapped brain matter.

We all want to help others – and by all I mean those of us with a heart and soul – it’s a noble purpose and is certainly personally rewarding. However, how much are we really willing (and able) to give?

Hypothetical Situation: Let’s call you Betty. You’re 26 years old, living on your own in a one bedroom apartment – costing you $1,100 a month, add the usual utilities – cable, internet, electricity and let’s say you’re paying about $1,250 (most people pay way more). Other bills include your cell phone – about $100 per month. We’ll also say that Betty doesn’t drive, she just spends $104 on her monthly MetroCard and hopes she gets rides from friends & family should she ever need to go somewhere special. She also lives a relatively frugal existence and does all her own cooking and doesn’t eat out, adding just about $200 a month in groceries – oh she’s also Vegan so she doesn’t have the added cost of eating gourmet pig fat. We’re up to $1654 so far. Let’s say Betty doesn’t really shop too often – but obviously everyone needs clothing, and shoes, so let’s bring her grand total up to about $2,000 a month in expenses. This is REALLY low by the way – she’d probably never go to the movies if her budget was really $2,000… But this is the wonderful world of Nika economics.. so everything is possible. Let’s also say that Betty is one of the lucky few who graduated college and actually got a job. She’s also lucky enough to receive decent pay of $40,000 per year. This means that her bi-weekly net pay would be about $1,248.57 after all the taxes (according to http://www.paycheckcity.com) Which means she makes about $2,500 a month… that’s without having a life.

Let’s summarize. Net Pay = $2,500 , Net Expenses = $2,000. Are you seeing the problem yet? We’re going to assume that Betty doesn’t want to live this meager and sad lifestyle forever and actually wants to have a savings – just like any other normal person. Not to get into politics, but this is why it matters who’s in office and how they’re spending the money – because it’s only your pocket that’s going to be cut into deeper – and let’s be frank and say that aside from the douchebag cop that’s giving you a pointless ticket, we don’t see our tax dollars coming back to us.

The problem is simple – she can’t really be altruistic. Except maybe with her time, but we can all agree that time seems to slip by us when we also have goals of personal development – going to the gym, or learning a craft, or even participating in a book club, etc.

We talk about helping others like it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. We should all help! But in all reality – we probably can’t. How much of yourself, your life, the future of your children could you possibly sacrifice to help a stranger? How much of living your own life can you possibly give up before realizing you aren’t accomplishing anything real and 15 years from now doesn’t look any brighter then tomorrow. You end up being just a hamster on a wheel. This also ties into a topic I feel rather strongly about: Living in the moment.

A bunch of my friends are festival junkies, namely Burning Man. Burning Man tickets themselves go for somewhere around $400 – with flights and accommodations and everything else, you could easily spend $1500 on this damn festival. Sounds awesome right?! Until you can’t pay your damn rent! Living in the moment works well – until tomorrow. Until you realize you have life and responsibilities and getting into a week long acid-trip probably isn’t worth being homeless for.

You have to plan for tomorrow, and not the literal tomorrow, but the next 3+, 5+, 10+ years. Because honestly, if you don’t, you might as well say “fuck it” to your 9-to-5 and go live somewhere doing something useful instead of living your pathetic existence the way it is. My friend Ilya suggests teaching English in Guatemala.

This is why money matters, why having a good job and making a good income matters. You have to realize that the world isn’t all butterflies and pretty clouds. That the thought of back-packing through Europe with the help of locals sounds lovely, but in the real world .. isn’t likely. I’ve been called a “corporate whore”, a “sell-out”, and even a “money-hungry bitch” multiple times, but let’s get real here: In order to help others, you have to be pretty self-sufficient first. Having an underpaid, over-taxed society only works well while there is that 1% at the top handling all the donations for us since none of us can afford it.

Would the world really be worse-off with more millionaires?

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Fake it ALL

September 7, 2012 Leave a Comment

I wonder what it’s like to be a guy who’s been dating a girl for a while (or not since everyone is a slut anyways- sex on the first date?) and you take her home at night and her bra comes off and she has NO BOOBS. Bitch, why are you wearing a D cup? This is why Victoria’s Secret is terrible. Have you touched their bras recently? They’re like pillows. For girls like me, who were naturally gifted with a fair amount of chest fat, it’s really hard to find a good bra. You’re stuck in between having no support and your nipples showing everywhere or having extra cushion that’s completely unnecessary. Fuck Victoria’s Secret.

My favorite though, has to be the girls with the CAKED on make-up. WTF is up with that shit? Who do you think you’re fooling? Do you get up in the morning when sleeping over a guy’s house and creep into the bathroom and put all the make up back on? You need to stop going to MAC every other day – it’s not making you any prettier – in fact, you’re starting to look like a man. I’m pretty sure men realize that girls aren’t born with bright pink cheeks and eyelashes that touch their eyebrows. Make-up is supposed to enhance your natural features – not make you look like the tranny version of Cher. Seriously- PUT THE EYEBROW BRUSH DOWN!

See this is why the dating world is just not fair. Guys don’t wear make up – at least not the guys I like to date.. I don’t know what kind of shit you freaks are into. And there are no such things as “push up underwear” to enhance the size of their manhood. It’s just not right. Plus, unless you’re a hoe, you’re probably sleeping over at the end of your like 7th date and if you wake up next to the guy and he’s scared of what your REAL face looks like – it sucks for him for banking out so much money on all your dates. I can just picture the morning scene:

Girl: “Wow, it’s so lovely to wake up in your arms”

Guy: *stretching* “AHHHH!!!!!!!!!! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!!! GET OUT OF MY BED! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!”

Girls are all sorts of fake.

How about those bitches that order Salad  at every restaurant? If I was a guy I’d be mad. Why would you go to Wolfgang’s and order a garden salad? Did you forget how to chop tomatoes on your own or rip up some lettuce? Who wants to pay $40 for some leaves in a bowl? That’d be a deal breaker for me. It’s  absolutely not okay to throw out money like that. You know what comes next right? She goes home and eats 2 pints of hagen dazs all on her own. Plus, that’s pretty boring. Especially if you’re trying some place new – I like to try as many things as possible. Any guy willing to split up some random dishes with me and try multiple things – he gets bonus points automatically. Even better are the girls that “pre-eat” before a date. Yea, girls actually think guys expect them to not eat as much so they’ll go to like Wendy’s and order enough food for 17 people and eat it and then eat 2 bites of a house salad on their date. Who came up with these things? I’m sorry, I’m a human being – I enjoy food & I don’t give a shit how hot the guy is – if you can’t watch me eat then you need to find yourself a barbie doll to accompany you on dates.

The right guy for you is going to think the sun shines out of your ass regardless of how much cheesecake you stuff into your face.

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Our “Comfort”-able Lives

September 4, 2012 4 Comments

We all like to think that the USA is this amazing country where absolutely everything is available at our fingertips and made for us to live comfortably… and therefore everyone is happy all the time. I beg to differ. In fact I’m pretty sure the opposite is true.

I saw an ad this morning on the train for Jet Blue that said “The Best Snacks Free – fly Jet Blue”. This is how we choose our flights? Fuck getting there without crashing, why does that matter? OHHH free pretzels? I’m there!

How many people do you know that are happy with their jobs? Or even their fields of study in college? I know about 3 in total. And the longer people stay in their fields, the more unhappy they seem to be. People go to work like drones, doing whatever mediocre and pathetic thing they can in order to feed their families.

Let’s talk about food for a moment. Since when did we as a people start “craving” nasty shit. Like burgers, and taco bell, and all this disgusting crap. And since when does everything revolve around calories. You REALLY can’t tell that a quadruple pounder is unhealthy without looking at the fact that it has 16,000 calories? And WTF do you need to put into a cupcake that it has like 1,100 calories. That’s a whole day’s worth of food for me. As a kid, I was never allowed to eat any of that. The most unhealthy thing I ate was pizza. And not that dominos crap – but really pizza with REAL tomato sauce. When did we stop eating REAL food? You know like carrots and raspberries? Maybe your 4 year old kid wouldn’t be the size of a God damn WHALE if you didn’t feed him 10 whopper meals a day. Maybe you also wouldn’t be so miserable if you didn’t wake up every morning with clogged arteries. Maybe that set of 30 stairs wouldn’t be so hard to climb if your diet didn’t revolve around fried chicken and fries. Might I add how all this crap has become our comfort food. We take a lunch break from our shitty jobs to go get our shitty  fried food and go back to our shitty jobs just to finish work and get more shitty fried food to feed our shitty obese families.

Let’s talk about family. How many people are actually happy in their marriages? How many people do you know that actually want to come home and spend QUALITY time with their families? Who even remembers what quality time is? What happened to good ol’ fashioned game nights? You know what family time is now? You have a pathetic and lonely emo teenager listening to some Slipknot locked in his room, an annoying and equally pathetic whale sized 4 year old demanding more fries or ice cream in the kitchen. The wife is probably ready to drown herself while taking a bath because she gained 19 pounds on Weight Watchers and the Dad, if there is one, sitting watching some football with fried chicken in one hand and his 20th beer in the other. That’s your modern family.

So how comfortable are we really? We wake up every morning feeling like shit because our diet of “comfort” food is weighing us down more and more. We then avoid movement as much as possible and find whatever means necessary to get to work without really moving – even if that involves driving in bumper to bumper traffic for 4 hours instead of walking to the train station. We sit for 8 hours staring at computers, pretending we’re important and making a “difference” some how – the only real difference being the amount of money lining your boss’s pocket. We take breaks from our pathetic jobs to eat “comfort” food to add more weight to our already fat bodies. Then we go home and do everything possible to avoid spending time with our shitty equally fat families. We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much, and care too little. Then we elect “representatives” to make “changes” in our lives…. and their lives are equally as pathetic as ours.. except their burgers cost $10 instead of $2.

Now we can’t change everything at once. But here’s an idea, change the things you can. Stop ordering sesame chicken every chance you get. Stop treating your wife like she’s obligated to stay with you. Stop letting your kids destroy their bodies. Just stop. Add a carrot a day to your diet.. because you have to start somewhere. Change something, do something. You have an awesome ability to analyze yourself and stop being a douche-bag.

 

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Stalking & Facebook

September 2, 2012 1 Comment

OK so let me tell you about the magic that is facebook that SOMEHOW guys are completely clueless about.

See the thing is that you can log out of your own facebook and log into someone elses. GIRLS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. Especially the psycho ones. So you know that girl you dated that messaged you 15,000 times a day and then you would “coincidentally” run into her at the dry cleaners which is 9 miles from her house? Yea, if you ever lived in Brooklyn and you’re a guy.. chances are you dated one of these psychos. Oh.. you thought she liked giving you head.. no she just wanted to smell your penis to make sure you weren’t cheating. Girls be CRAY CRAY!

Now, see Facebook made stalking the lives of your significant other/sugar daddy/friends-with-benefits/cute guy at the local store.. significantly easier. You can find out almost everything about someone through their facebook, and if not, then you can at the least find out who you know in common and make sure you find out everything about that person. And if you don’t have that person added, it’s nearly a guarantee that one of your close friends does. I currently have about 5 friends that use my facebook SOLELY for stalking purposes. Welcome to BROOKLYN!

You can find out everything your ex is up to – and guys are downright stupid with this. Guys like to act like big shots once they are single and post on FB every single thing they are doing and make it sound really awesome. ie: “At the gas station – hot bitches be staring at me everywhere I go” or even better is “Lifting 99,000 lbs at the gym today, gotta look good 😉 **insert douche photo with 20lb weight here**”. Sorry it’s just sad & pathetic.

Girls, on the other hand, like to put on the sluttiest apparel possible (the more naked the better) and go out to the most ridiculous clubs (future posts on OPM to come), and then take as many pics with as many guys as possible.

Yes… this is what the dating world has come to.

The only thing that sucks in all this is that chances are I’m probably getting stalked right back. Amid ex-bfs and girls that I dropped from my life because of the drama they caused.. I’m pretty sure there are crazy b*tches out there stalking my life. This could be a comforting thought if I often walked in the middle of nowhere and could possibly drop dead at any moment.. then at least the stalking abilities of others would be useful.

The BEST part of all this is seeing who your exes date after you. Don’t lie.. even before the times of facebook you wanted to know. It’s even better when that new person makes you feel a lot better about who you are. Suddenly eating Chunky Monkey ice cream is no longer necessary when your ex downgrades.

I am of the firm belief that facebook – if you rely on it as a legitimate source of information – can only be a friendship/relationship killer. I highly recommend you find a significant other that does not think the entire world starts and ends on facebook… otherwise you might fall victim to the penis sniffing.

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